Lost in Darkness
by Dean's Little Secret
Summary: Sequel to Touched by Darkness: It's been an month since Sam saved Dean from the fiery pits of Hell, but when they head to the small gloomy town of Forks, they find themselves in an all too familiar Hell. Warning inside.
1. Prologue

_**Written by Dean's Little Secret and co-written by perfectharmony22**_

**Warning: Rape, torture and language **

**Prologue**

One year.

Twelve months.

Three hundred and sixty days.

So long to try and start to forget the pain.

But no matter how much time passes, no matter how many days go by the pain remains the same. The monster that ruined your life is still so vivid, so real. The nightmare is your life. The terror is in every waking moment, no matter who is there. The trust you once had is ripped away and replaced with fear. You think everyone knows your darkest secret. You see pity in their eyes, disappointment in their voice. But you keep pushing on, trying to find the light. A way out of this dark place.

You keep believing and when you finally grasp at some hope, it's torn away. You are once again trying to escape the monster, trying so hard to find the light and awake from this nightmare. You collapse into familiar arms, seeking the comfort and security. You cry until your throat is numb and your eyes are red. You clutch the hand that is in your own and you don't let go. You hear the familiar words of comfort and feel them caress your head, lulling you to sleep. You succumb to the darkness.

You are always shadowed in darkness. Always screaming, crying, begging to be freed. You scream for the one person who makes you feel human. You cry out to him, you beg for him to come save you. He doesn't show. The maliciously smile on the monsters face makes you feel sick, the unwelcome hands make you cringe. The feel of his breath against your neck makes you shiver and pull away.

One year, twelve months, three hundred and sixty days to forget it all.


	2. Chapter 1 And the Walls will Crumble

**Lost in Darkness**

**Chapter one: And the Walls will Crumble**

Sam Winchester stared at the ceiling of a cheap crummy motel room. His blankets twisted around his sweat soaked body. He took a deep breath; sucking much needed air into his lungs. He slowly sat up surveying the room. Dean was sound a sleep in the opposite bed, Tristan, Sam's dog, stared up at him with worried eyes and Sam had once thought that a dog couldn't show that kind of emotion. He crawled up to Sam, licked his face then rested his head on Sam's lap. Sam ran his fingers through the dog's fur, stroking his ears and neck.

Sam heard a loud bang come from outside, he jumped in surprise. Tristan sat up, his ears bent back. He beared his teeth and a deep-throated growl filled the room. Sam turned to face Dean who was still fast asleep. He got out of his bed and tentatively walked to the door, Tristan at his heels. The door squeaked as he opened it, the moonlight spilling in.

Tristan growled. His white teeth sparkled in the silver light. Sam looked down at the black and white Border collie; he looked so fierce with his teeth beard and his eyes narrowed. Sam scanned his surroundings, he couldn't see anything out of the ordinary but he felt a chill run up his spine. A feeling he couldn't explain took over him. He quickly headed back in, shutting and locking the door behind him.

Sam crawled back into bed, pulling the covers tight around him. He felt Tristan plop down beside him, his breath mingled with the sweat on Sam's neck. He rolled over and watched his brother sleep; a small smile graced his face. He was so grateful that he had Dean as his big brother. If it weren't for him Sam never would have survived.

He looked up at the clock; it was one minute past midnight. It was a month since he saved Dean from the fiery pits of hell. Sam couldn't have gone on without Dean, not after what Cole had done to him. So with the help of Ruby, a pretty blonde demon with a nasty attitude, Dean was saved. The deal was broken and Dean stayed in Sam's life.

Sam was sure Dean would have run by now. Gone mental from all the nights he had been deprived of sleep because of his brothers terrifying nightmares. But he stuck by Sam and with his love and support Sam moved on. Everything became easier, never the same though. After a few months Sam's nightmares had stopped, he could sleep peacefully but lately they had returned. Was it because he knew that the anniversary of the attack was nearing? Was that all it was? He hoped so.

Because today it had been a year since the first time he shared his horrific date with Cole Collins. The thought made Sam's skin crawl; he rolled back over and wrapped his arms around Tristan, burying his face in the soft fur. Part of him wanted to crawl into bed with Dean, like he had done when all this mess first happened. He pulled back and stared at Tristan who looked as though he was smiling at Sam. He stuck out his pink tongue and licked Sam's cheek. Sam smiled back at the pup and snuggled close to him. The warmth and security from Tristan comforted him enough that he was able to go back to sleep.

SNSNSNSN

Dean walked out from the bathroom a cloud of steam following him. He pulled a shirt over his head and then headed into the small kitchen; he walked towards the sink and rinsed out a mug. He looked and saw the reflection of the room in the glass. He saw that Sam was still in bed, his head hidden under the covers. Dean felt his heart skip a beat, why was Sam hiding under the covers? He hadn't done that in ages, he was over everything, well as much as he could be.

Dean was about to go check on Sam when he started to stir. Dean sighed with relief, he was over reacting. Hell he over reacting all the time these days, to say he was overprotective brother was an underestimate. For the first few months Dean would abuse anyone who looked at Sam funny. Dean had never forgiven himself for what happened. He hated knowing that Sam had gone through such a terrible ordeal. He hated that it happened to Sam. How could someone let it happen in the first place? It wasn't right.

But as time went on and Sam got better Dean eased up. But he never let his guard down; it had happened so quickly last time. Their lives had been shattered. They had been pulled into a nightmare, a place with no light. For a while Dean swore Sam would never get over it but he proved Dean wrong. He was so proud of Sam for pulling through, for making it this far. They found the light.

Dean took a sip from his coffee then let out a sigh. He saw Tristan jump off the bed and stretch, he then looked up at Dean, his tail wagging. As much as Dean loved Tristan he could so easily kill him sometimes. He'd chewed up so many things that it wasn't funny. _Thank god the teething is over_ Dean said to himself as he walked to the playful pup.

Tristan sat at Dean's feet; staring up at him with huge black eyes "God you look like Sam" he patted him softly then went to walk past him. A loud yelp escaped the dogs mouth, Dean jumped back in surprise. He had trodden on his tail "Sorry Dude," he said looking at the pup who seemed to be glaring at him.

"Dean what the hell did you do to him?" came Sam's hoarse voice.

Dean looked up at Sam. He was staring at him through half closed eyes; he had black marks under his eyes. "Stood on his tail," he said quickly "sorry."

Sam sighed and snapped his fingers. Tristan retreated to Sam's side, jumping up on the bed and cuddling into his side.

Dean stared at Sam with wary eyes; he looked exhausted, like he hadn't slept in days. But Dean demised it; he'd been babying Sam for too long now. Sam was over it, he was ok now. "Alright Sam get up" Dean said getting down to business and pushing his worries away "got a new hunt."

Sam looked up at Dean "I'd rather just stay here" the words came out in a low mumble but Dean heard them.

"Sam we have a job to do," he said harshly.

"Can't it wait?" Sam looked down at his hands not wanting to meet Dean's eyes. How could he forget?

"Dude what is your problem?"

Sam rose to his feet, his hands balled into fists "don't you remember what day it is?"

"I don't care what day it is!" he spat "we have a hunt now get dressed and pack up."

Sam flinched at Dean's harshness; he felt tears sting his eyes, a hard lump formed in his throat. "Dean what day is it?" he stepped closer to Dean, stopping only a foot away.

"I don't care Sam!" Dean shoved Sam back; he tripped over Tristan and landed on the floor. He crawled back until his back was against the wall. He shook with rage or fear Dean wasn't too sure. "Sammy" Dean would have rushed to Sam if his words hadn't made him shake worse "I'm so, so sorry."

Sam backed farther into the wall, a few tears ran unchecked down his cheeks "Don't" he croaked out. He stood up on shaky legs; he slid along the wall until he reached the door. He opened the door but he didn't move. He locked eyes with Dean almost daring him to stop him. When Dean said nothing Sam slipped through the door. Tristan bolted after him but the door slammed in his face. He placed his paw on the door and scratched at the wood, making small whimpering sounds.

Dean collapsed to the ground. He felt like he weighed a thousand pounds. He couldn't hold himself up, his knees shook and his hands trembled. He stared blankly at the door, hoping it would open and Sam would walk in. W_hat have I done? _He thought bitterly to himself. Dean looked around the room, looking for a clue. _What is so important about today? _

He couldn't get back to his feet so he scanned the room from the floor. He stared at everything, hoping it brought answers. He felt Tristan nudge him; his body shook as he whimpered. "STOP IT!" Dean shouted. Tristan's ears bent back and he walked backwards like Sam had done. "I'm sorry" he reached out for the pup. He tentatively walked back to Dean, staring at him cautiously.

Dean pulled him into his arms, cradling him against his chest. He pulled back and stared into his eyes, he swore he saw tears glistening in them. "I'm such an idiot" he ruffled the dog's fur. He smiled softly as he remembered the first time Sam saw the playful pup. It had been after his encounter with Cole and Dean thought that he would be dying at the end of the year so he brought Tristan to take care of him. To watch over him when Dean couldn't.

Sam had always wanted a puppy and Dean was only too glad to give him one. It helped Sam move past his ordeal, he recovered a lot faster with the help of Tristan. "You saved him" Dean smiled. Dean pressed a soft kiss to the pup's head then pulled back and it hit him. "Oh God" he jumped to his feet so fast the world spun "a year" he muttered, "it's been a year" he looked to the clock to confirm the date "How could I forget?" he ran to his bedside and grabbed his keys. He raced to the door and flung it open, "SAM!" he shouted though he knew very well that he wasn't here. He turned back to Tristan who was a few feet away from him "C'mon."

SNSNSNSN

The chilli breeze brushed against Sam's exposed skin. He wrapped his coat tight around him, he felt so exposed. He never went outside without a jacket, mainly to hide himself. He felt the more people saw of him the more they knew. Knew all of his dark secrets, knew that he was weak and pathetic. He could see it in their eyes, they all thought it. He knew that deep down Dean must have been disappointed with him, maybe even angry. He was a Winchester and he had gotten himself beaten and raped by a spirit. It would have never happened to Dean. He was strong and Sam was weak.

Sam felt tears run down his cheeks, he wiped at them angrily. He hated himself for being so weak, for always crying, always running from his problems. It had been a year and he still cried over it. _Just get over it _he told himself over and over again _Dean would have by now. _He'd always compare himself to Dean; he was so much better then him. He could take care of himself; protect himself, in the ways Sam couldn't. Dean was the best, John's favourite and Sam was just a waste of space. They would have been better of without him. Mary would be alive, Dean would have a normal life and everything would be much better for them all.

Sam was suddenly brought out of his thoughts when he felt a twinge. He slowly lifted up his shirt and on his hip was a small purple bruise. He tried to remember how he would have gotten it but he came up blank. He hadn't fallen or hit his hip against anything recently. _Perhaps Tristan jumped on me too hard? _He thought but it quickly vanished, Tristan had always been so gentle with Sam.

Sam didn't know why but he suddenly felt like he was being watched. He wrapped his arms back around him and quickened his pace. He wished he never left the motel, he just wished he could crawl into bed until the day ended. He felt like he was being followed, like unwelcome eyes were watching him. He was once again proving to himself that he was weak, useless. He was freaking out over a bruise, which could have come from anywhere.

Sam soon found himself in the outskirts of town, at an old car park. It was basically empty expect for a few cars but Sam was the only one there and he felt truly alone. He stopped to take a deep breath; his heart was racing a mile a minute. He heard a noise come from behind him; he tensed up and spun around. He saw a man in his mid thirties; he was dressed in a leather jacket that was buttoned up. His reddish brown hair blew about in the breeze and he stared at Sam trough cold dark eyes.

Sam took a few steps back, something about the look in his eyes frightened him. He didn't know why but he knew that he shouldn't trust this man or get to close. A voice in his head was screaming at him to run, to get out of there and go back to Dean. Another voice told him to stay where he stood, it teased him. Telling him he was weak, always running back to Dean.

"Sorry" the man said, his voice was smooth but deep "didn't mean to frighten you."

"It's ok" Sam said softly.

"Can I offer you a lift?" he asked with his velvet smooth voice "you don't look to good."

"No… no" Sam fumbled out "I'm fine."

"Are you sure" he stepped closer, making Sam feel trapped "Its no problem."

"No I'm fine really" he lied "I'll just…"

"-Call your brother?" the stranger asked, his eye brows rising "Gonna run back to Dean?"

Sam froze. He wanted to run, to get away but he couldn't move. "W… who are you?"

"Names Cole" a maliciously smile appeared on his handsome face "Cole Collins."

Sam's stomach churned his heart raced a million miles a minute, he wanted to run, to escape but he was frozen. Cole moved closer to him, stopping right before Sam. "Get away from me!" he hissed.

Cole chucked "Now why would I do that?" he stroked the side of Sam's face with his icy fingers "I've been looking for you Sammy" his voice sent chills down Sam's spine "I need to feel you again" his hand started to wander down Sam's body "you feel so good Sam" he pressed his lips to Sam's ear and whispered "I'm going to feel you again."

Sam sobbed and jerked his head away but he couldn't make his legs work, he couldn't run. He tried to yell, scream for Dean but he couldn't form words. He felt Cole touching him, touching him where he wasn't welcomed. He could feel his breath mix with the sweat that glistened on his skin. He suddenly felt tired, he tried to fight it but he couldn't. He heard Cole whisper something in his ear but he didn't understand what he said then everything went dark.

**SNSNSNSN**

Bobby Singer closed the hood of an old Mustang that he had acquired from a friend a few weeks ago. It was in perfect working order while Bobby's old Ute was on its last run. The car was in tip-top shape ready to go when needed. With a sigh of approval Bobby headed inside, the coolness of the house welcome.

He headed towards the kitchen, picking up a rag on the way. He rubbed the grease off his hands and let the cloth fall to the ground. He walked over the sink and filled up a glass. He drained the glass the set out to find the phone. After his wife died he stopped cleaning, the house just became on big mess. He didn't have time anyway, he was to busy hunting. And of course when he wasn't hunting he was looking after his family, well Sam and Dean who were practically his family.

Which brought him back to the present. He had to find the phone so he could ring Sam. He wanted to see how he was doing; after all it had been year now, a year since Bobby saw him so broken. Cole Collins, the sexed spirit, had shattered Sam and Dean's lives. Bobby had been brought to tears with heartache for those boys; they had been through so much already. But he was so proud of them; they had pulled through, when others would have given up.

Finally he found the phone. He dialled Sam's number but there was no answer. He then dialled Dean's, he waited a second then he heard Dean's panicked voice. The words came out so fast Bobby couldn't make sense of them. "Dean slow down" he said calmly "Just relax."

"Bobby I can't" Dean wailed, "I forgot, how could I forget?"

"Forgot what?"

"Today" he rambled, "I forgot all about it!" he then trailed off when he spoke he was sobbing, "That's why you rang! You remembered! How could I not? I'm horrible brother."

"Dean calm down" Bobby said, "Just breathe" he heard Dean take a deep breath then he continued "why are you so worked up?"

"I forgot what today was Bobby" he explained slightly calmer "I got mad at Sam and I pushed him and… and" Dean was getting historical again "he ran out on me now I have no idea where he is."

"Shhh" Bobby sooth "we'll find him Dean, just relax."

"I have to Bobby."

"Look I will come straight to you," he said firmly.

"Ok thank you Bobby" Dean chocked out "we're still in Forks."

"I'll be right there" Bobby hung up the phone and raced around, throwing whatever he had into his duffle. He made his way to the shiny blue Mustang and climbed in. he was looking forward for taking her out but this wasn't how he wanted it to be. He put the petal to the metal and hoped to God Sam was ok.

SNSNSNSN

Sam blinks, his head killing him. The throbbing in his temples in time with his rapid heart beat. He lets out a muffled groan and slowly turns his head from side to side. It's dark, cold and musty and he is tied to some wooden beam, the ropes digging into his wrists and ankles. _'God what happened'_ Sam thinks as his eyes focus on his surroundings, eyes widening as he remembers who brought him here.

Sam instantly begins struggling against his ties; the ropes cutting further and further into his skin, but no matter how hard he tries the knots won't come undone. Sam can feel the panic rising, his heart racing even more, his sweating and feels like he can't get a decent breath in, gasping for air. "Oh Sammy, Sammy, Sammy!" An all too familiar voice taunts. "What are you trying to do here?"

Sam stares up wide-eyed at the figure looming over him. _'It couldn't be'_ keeps running through his mind. The man kneels down in front of Sam and grabs his cheeks in a strong grip. "Such a pretty boy you are. It was a shame I had to leave you for so long! But I'm back now, and there is no silly brother to get in our way," He laughs kissing Sam roughly, all teeth and bite. When he lets go Sam spits and growls out; "Don't touch me you freak!"

"And such a wild spirit still Sammy my boy, I'm glad I didn't break you with our last meeting, but taming you now will be so much fun, marking you as mine will be so delicious," he sneered.

"M… marking me?" Sam said already loosing his nerve.

'_Keep it together Sam,'_ he said to himself. "Oh yes, just like this little one here," he said lifting Sam's shirt slightly to reveal the small bruise that had formed earlier.

"That was you? But how?" Sam said. "What do you want from me?"

"Sam! Of course that was me, I had to get a small taste, I just couldn't wait. Ahh, so young. I really have missed you all year long. But I must thank you and your brother. Without sending me back to hell I would never have been able to come back to get me a real live meat suit!"

"No. Please no, what are you talking about? How do you know me?" Sam said still not wanting to believe what was right in front of him.

"Sammy, I _am_ Cole, and that night when we made love for the first time? Why, I just couldn't stop there. But then you had to get that idiot brother of yours involved? Don't worry; he won't be saving you this time."

"You're wrong! Dean will come; he is going to come for me!" Sam cried needing to believe it.

"Really? You really think that? I mean the way he acted this morning. He pushed you away. He knew what today was, he was just so sick of dealing with you. You are _mine_ now Sam."

'_No. No. No. Dean will come. He has to. He still cares. He will come. Dean!'_ played through Sam's mind over and over again.

"Shh Sammy. Stop thinking so much; it is going to ruin our perfect night together. It has been so long. Too long…"

_**To Be Continued**_

**Please review**


	3. Chapter 2 Scream

**Chapter two: Scream**

Dean paced back and forwards in the limited space of the motel room. He had been pacing for an hour now or maybe it was days, he didn't know. All he knew was that Sam was gone and it was his fault. How could he forget? He had forgotten the day that shattered his and Sam's life. How could he forget such a moment? He could close his eyes and still see Sam waking up with bruises marring his features. He remembered how broken Sam had been, so lost.

Dean's anger was getting the better of him now. He was so angry with himself for letting Cole hurt Sam last year, so angry because of what happened to Sam. And now Sam was missing. He'd shouted at him, shoved him and worse he forgot all about today. The guilt was maddening. He'd been thinking about himself, just like last year, he was so selfish and it was costing him.

Dean only hoped that Sam would come home soon and be ok so Dean could say sorry. But what if someone got him? Someone like Cole? He'd promised Sam he'd never go through that again. Would that be a lie? No. Sam would be fine; he was never going to suffer like he did the previous year. Dean would protect Sam from that. No one in this Godforsaken world would do such a thing to Sam.

Never. Ever. Again.

SNSNSNSN

Sam cried out in pain as Cole entered him. His whole body went rigid and tears blurred his vision. He tried to get free but it was no use, he wasn't going anywhere. He'd been moved from his first place in the dark room to a soft bed, he'd been tied the head of the bed while Cole used his body for his own pleasure. He felt Cole's lips brush harshly against him, silencing him. His hands wander over his body touching places where he hoped he would never be touched again.

The pain was horrible. It was like being ripped apart from the inside. Each thrust caused more pain to run through his body and another cry that was silenced by Cole's lips. He turned his head to try and pull away from his cold lips but as he did Cole bit down hard enough to draw blood. Sam spat trying to rid his mouth of the cropper taste. Cole roughly pulled Sam's face back to his and stared at him through black eyes "Don't do that boy!"

Sam felt Cole pull out of him but he suddenly thrusted back in so hard that Sam cried out in agony. He felt tears stream down his face and his body shook from the abuse. He once again felt Cole's lips on his skin, biting at his soft flesh, leaving marks behind. He tried to escape from the pain, to find a happy place. But Cole made it hard; making sure Sam felt as much pain as possible.

But he tired so hard.

He closed his eyes and thought of Dean, thought of when they were kids and how they had gone out with their dad one day and got ice cream. John didn't do that much but that day had been special, it was Sam's birthday and he wanted ice cream. Of course that was the last birthday he ever spent with his Father, all the rest had just been he and Dean.

Not that he minded; he and Dean had the best of times together. He remembered how Dean always waited for him after school, how he always stood up for him. Dean did everything for Sam. So why did he push him this morning? Why did he forget? Did he forget because he no longer loved him? Was he too much of a burden? The current situation proved that to Sam.

Dean was embarrassed to have Sam as a brother. He couldn't blame him. He'd gotten himself raped and beaten and now it was happening again, right now. He was weak. Dean would not save him this time, Sam hoped he wouldn't. Dean deserved someone stronger, he was a Winchester for Christ sake and he here was being someone's play toy.

That's all he was good for.

"Thanks for the ride Sammy" Cole said kissing Sam roughly.

Sam hadn't noticed he'd finished but now that he did he felt the pain again.

"You feel so good Sammy" he said ominously while stroking his cheek "You're a good fuck and that's what I'm gonna do to you" he lent in and whispered in Sam's ear "Every single day" he sat up and chortled "Maybe twice a day."

Sam just broke out into a sob, which made Cole laugh.

"Don't worry Sammy" Cole said getting off him "I will make sure your stay here is comfortable" he strolled to the end of the bed and picked up a heavy blanket. He laid it gently over Sam then sat down next to him. Sam turned his head away from him, letting the silent tears fall. He felt Cole stroke his head and it reminded him of Dean but it wasn't the same. Dean's creases were soft and gentle, Cole's were rough and rushed. There was no love in them.

SNSNSNSN

Dean watched as day turned into night and there was still no sign of Sam. He'd gone out and searched the town, going to every place he thought Sam might be at. He drove all over town, asking people if they had seen him but no one had. He now sat on the bed staring blankly at the wall. He felt tears sting his eyes and a dry lump formed in his throat.

He blinked away the tears and tried to think of a reasonable explanation for all of this. Maybe he stopped for ice cream, Dean slapped himself, literally. Why the hell would he do that? Dean shook his head to try and clear his mind. He had to think clearly. Suddenly a knock came at the door and Dean raced to it, yanking it open, ready to embrace Sam in a tight hug. But he stopped himself when he saw who it was, not that he wasn't glad to see Bobby.

Dean let Bobby in and started to rant. Telling him how he forgot what today was, that he had fought with Sam and that he had been missing all day and he was worried someone had him. He was then ordered to sit down, take a breath and shut up. He sat on the bed and watched as Bobby tired Sam's cell again but there was still no answer.

He sighed heavily then sat down next to Dean who was staring at the wall blankly. "I'm sure he is fine."

"I looked everywhere," Dean said, his eyes staring blank ahead. "He was no where to be seen" Dean's shoulders slumped "This is my fault, I shouldn't have gotten mad at him, I should have remembered" tears glistened in Dean's eyes "How could I not remember? I should of… it's my job… it's my fault" he swallowed the dry lump in his throat and continued to ramble; "I screwed up today! I screwed up last year! I just screw up!" he shouted the last few words, tears finally falling. "I have a feeling something bad has happened to him and it will be my fault, and I can't find him, I don't know where he is. I need to find him…"

"Dean, stop this!" Bobby ordered his voice firm but gentle "You blaming yourself isn't going to fix this or help us find Sam. We just have to look again, ok."

Dean shook his head "I looked everywhere! I asked some people if they had seen him but no one had" he buried his head in his hands; he was feeling useless.

"Well we'll try again" Bobby stood up and turning to look down at Dean. "Look at me Kid."

Dean lifted his head, tears streaked down his face.

"We will find him" he assured "trust me. Sam is fine and soon everything will be ok."

SNSNSNSN

Sam shrived in the cold room, he tried to block out his surroundings but the pain and the freezing temperature kept bring him back. Bring him back to his living nightmare. He wanted it all just to end; he wanted someone or something to stop the pain. He wished Cole would just kill him and get it over with. Why did he have to keep torturing him? Why was it that Sam was so good? Why did Cole enjoy 'his body' more then others? So many questions to ask but would he get answers?

Sam shut his mind off, letting his thoughts take him away to a better place and time. One where this had never happened and where he and Dean were still ok.

Sam struggled against the binds keeping him on the soiled bed. The ropes dug deep into his wrists, he had been stripped of all his clothes the last time Cole had visited him, the cold making his body feel numb. Sam kept pulling on the ropes testing the knots and the strength of it. He kept pulling and pulling, biting back against the groans of pain that he didn't notice the door opening and closing.

"Sam, Sammy my boy!" Cole said seeing Sam struggle. "Oh you naughty, naughty boy!" he grinned wickedly.

"No, no, leave me alone," Sam said doubling his efforts of escape.

"Sammy, you have nowhere to go, Bobby doesn't want you around, your Dad hated you, and Dean, oh Dean, why he couldn't stand you! Now sit still!" He taunted.

"No, Dean wants me, he likes me," Sam repeated over and over again, seemingly in a trance.

"Sam!!" Cole yelled.

He untied Sam from the bed and grabbed Sam by his bound wrists and threw him down, face hitting the hard mattress. He re-tied Sam's wrists to the headboard and walked away from him into the dark corner. Sam could only hear the faint footsteps of the man as he walked away and then unlocked some cabinet. Returning to Sam, Cole raised his arm and then let it come crashing back down.

The whip that was held tight in his hand lashed at Sam's back leaving a raised red line in its wake. Sam screamed out in agony never having felt such pain before, he was cold, hungry and worn out mentally and physically, and now he was being brutally attacked again.

Cole kept up the attack, bringing the whip back down against Sam's back, legs and backside, red lines running in all different directions were left, streams of blood leaving the open wounds. Sam had stopped crying out in pain after the first few lashes, his body numbing out the pain, leaving only the heartache.

Too many minutes had passed and there was barely any skin left untouched. "Had enough Sammy boy? Enough pain?" Cole teased as he dropped the whip to the ground. "Will that teach you from trying to escape me?" he said sitting beside Sam who was quietly crying.

"Shh, Sammy, don't cry, did I hurt you? I didn't mean to, but you deserved it, being naughty like that," Cole said running his hand through Sam's greasy hair. Cole leant down and kissed Sam's head gently cooing to him as if he hadn't just tortured the man.

Sam flinched at the actions, still mumbling the fact that Dean would come to him over and over. Sam wasn't aware of what was going on around him, only thinking of Dean.

"Sam, I am nearly at the end of my patience with you! You must learn, Dean isn't coming for you, and only I will love you!" Cole said straddling Sam's thighs; he rubbed his hands over Sam's back, spreading the blood all over Sam's back. "Do I make you feel good Sammy?"

Cole ran his hand though Sam's hair and pulled back his head exposing Sam's throat. "Shh Sammy, this won't hurt a bit," Cole said revealing the knife he had hidden in his jean pocket. Carefully Cole ran the knife against Sam's skin around the back of his neck. He traced more shallow lines around the front of Sam's neck then continued down to his chest creating deeper cuts the lower he went.

Sam continued to groan out in pain, the small cuts stinging just as much as the deeper ones. Sam struggled against Cole's grip and the binds keeping him against the bed. "Let me go, please just let me go!" Sam cried, his struggle only making the knife slip and cut in deeper.

Cole threw the knife away and moved Sam's head to the side, he kissed and sucked against Sam's skin leaving little marks all down his neck. "So beautiful Sam, you taste so good!" Cole moaned.

Sam feels Cole moving around over him and he hears the sound of his zipper and his heart speeds up. He shuts his eyes and waits for the nightmarish pain to come. Cole kisses his neck, biting at the soft flesh and Sam cringers; the unwelcome lips bring tears to his eyes. He feels Cole shift again and then the horrible, ripping pain is back. He is crying, begging, screaming, for it to end. He yells out Dean's name, hoping, praying, he'll come. Save him from this pain, this monster.

Cole bites hard into Sam's skin, biting so hard that blood seeps through. He cries out again, shutting his eyes tight hoping it will end. He whispers Dean's name over and over. Cole starts to thrust faster and deeper, Sam can feel the old wounds ripping open, he cries in agony, he cries in despair and he cries for Dean. Cole slams harder into Sam making more blood spill.

He feels Cole come inside of him, the semen mixing with the blood. He feels him pull out and he feels his body relax, only ever so slightly. Cole whispers words in his ear, but he can't hear them. All he can hear is his heartbeat and his inner voice crying out for Dean.

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean walked through the quiet streets of Forks. He pulled his jacket tighter around him, trying to block out the icy rain. He raced over to Bobby who had just come out of a local bookstore. He and Bobby had been searching all over town for a while now and they had yet to find Sam. Forks was a small town so how hard could it be to find a 6 foot 4 guy with shaggy brown hair and worn out clothes?

The more Dean looked the more anxious he grew and he could see Bobby was starting to worry too, though he tried to hide it. Bobby quickly filled Dean in, telling him where he had been and that he hadn't seen Sam. Dean's shoulder slumped and he sighed heavily, he could feel his heart racing. Panic was setting in.

"Bobby where could he be?" Dean asked in despair.

"He'll be around" Bobby assured, sounding like a broken record player "Maybe he is already back at the motel?"

Dean shook his head "No Bobby, something's wrong" he confirmed, "Someone has Sammy."

"Just because Sam is missing doesn't mean someone has him" Bobby declared.

"Bobby I know something is wrong!" he hissed, "Someone has Sammy and I know it! I can feel it."

"Then who?" Bobby asked, "Who would have Sam?"

"Cole."

"Cole?" Bobby raised his eyebrows "as in the spirit that… hurt Sam last year?"

"Yeah" Dean said grimly.

"Dean he is dead" Bobby reminded him "you sent him back to hell."

"But people don't always stay dead Bobby" Dean snapped, "Maybe the bastard climbed out of hell and he is back for round two!"

"Dean you need to calm down" Bobby placed a firm hand on his shoulder "Sam being… raped again is your worst nightmare and I think you're just-"

"-What?" he demanded, "over reacting? Paranoid…? Bobby, Sam is my baby brother and I let someone rape him!"

"Dean this is about you" Bobby sighed.

"No its not!"

"Yes it is!" he squeezed his shoulder softly "You're still blaming yourself for what happened to Sam, but its not your fault, Sam doesn't blame you" he smiled softly at Dean "he never did and never will, you were the only one who managed to get Sam back after that. If it weren't for you Sam would be an empty shell right now."

"If it weren't for me Sammy would never have been attacked" tears glistened in his eyes and he took a step back "It was my fault then and it's my fault now" Dean turned around and took off, leaving Bobby to find Sam. He ran and ran and ran, until he found himself in a small, secluded park. He stopped for a second then ran again. His legs ached and his chest burned, he felt tears cascade down his flushed face, mixing with the sweat. He ran until he collapsed on his knees panting and sobbing onto the cold dirt ground. He got most of his breath back then he screamed. He screamed because he didn't know what else to do, there was nothing left to do.

The air drained from his lungs and he collapsed onto the ground. He sobbed loudly, letting tears of guilt, fear and sorrow fall freely. He pulled himself into a tight ball and cried, letting it all out. He stayed on the dirt ground well into the night, the cool air sending chills through his body. But he barely felt them, he was numb. He shut his eyes and an image of Sam lying beaten in bed fleshed behind them. He quickly snapped them open and sobbed louder, if Dean had one wish right now it would be for him to go back in time and save Sam from Cole.

He wrapped his arms tighter around him and fought of sleep. He didn't want to see Sam like that, never again. He should have never had to witness Sam like that but with some twisted fate he had. He blinked away the tears and gasped, Sam was sitting on the ground before him, beaten and bloody. He sat up but he couldn't move. Sam had tears running down his cheeks and blood was mattered in his hair and there were dry spots all over his bruised body.

"Sammy" Dean croaked out "SAMMY!"

"Please save me Dean" he sobbed "I don't want to go through this again" tears streamed down his face, mixing with the dry blood "please" more tears fell but this time blood was falling with them too "Don't you love me anymore?"

"Sam I" suddenly he faded and Dean was left staring at the darkness "SAM!" Dean jumped to his feet and looked around the dark park "SAMMY!" he screamed at the top of his burning lungs. "SAM WHERE ARE YOU?"

_**To Be Continued**_

_**Please review**_


	4. Chapter 3 Halfway to Hell

**Chapter three: Halfway to Hell**

Bobby paced back and forwards in the limited space of the motel room. Dean had been missing all night and Bobby was confused and worried, where had he gone? Was he ok? Bobby gave up pacing and collapsed onto the bed. He'd already tried calling Dean but there was no answer just his voice mail. It was getting late and it was freezing outside and if Dean was hurt… No he would not let himself think that. Dean would walk through the door any second and Sam would be with him. Then they could all put this behind them. But a little voice told Bobby that he wasn't going to walk through that door and Sam would not be with him.

Bobby rose to his feet, his legs suddenly felt heavy. He walked to the door and stepped out into the cold night, the cold air stung his eyes and made him shiver. He pulled his faithful jacket tighter around his body. He was heading to the Impala when he saw a figure in the shadow, the person stepped into the light and Bobby's eyes found Dean's. He was shaking from head to toe and his eyes were red from crying, but they seemed almost soulless. He half collapsed to the ground, he'd grabbed the car next to him and it was the only thing holding him up. Bobby rushed to him and helped him back inside.

He placed him down on the hotel bed then wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. He crouched down before him, staring up at him with concern. But Dean just kept staring ahead, his eyes unfocused. His body trembled from the cold, his skin was a ghostly white and he had a blue tinge to his lips. Bobby left the broken man and headed to the kitchen. He made them both a hot coffee then returned to Dean.

He tried offering Dean the mug but he didn't move, he stayed staring at the wall with an emotionless expression. Bobby placed the mug down on the ground beside him and turned his full attention to Dean. He went to speak but he couldn't find words, seeing Dean look so lost and broken had left Bobby speechless. His eyes were lifeless. His body still trembled from the cold and his teeth chattered but otherwise he was still, like a statue.

Bobby wanted to speak to the young hunter but he couldn't find the right words. He didn't know why Dean was like this, so how could he help? Was this because Sam was missing? Was he blaming himself so much that he just turned into a complete mess? Bobby placed his hand on Dean's shoulder but he didn't move, didn't look away from the wall. Not knowing what to do, Bobby went to work on getting him warmed up. He wrapped the blanket tighter around the broken man then threw another blanket over him. Still he did not move.

Bobby then sat down beside him once more and finally found words "Dean… what happened?" he asked but there was no answer "Dean!" he said louder, turning Dean so he would face him "what happened Kid?"

Dean just stayed quiet.

Like an empty shell.

"Dean, please!" Bobby begged, "Answer me!"

'Please save me Dean' Dean went rigid. The images of Sam broken and beaten flashed before his eyes. He felt his throat close up and the tears well up in his eyes. Sam's pleading voice rang in his ears, over and over, please save me Dean, Please save me Dean, Please save me Dean. Dean let out a sob and a worse image flashed before his eyes. It was the nightmare he had after Sam was first assaulted by Cole, the horrible image of Cole using his baby brothers body for pleasure and Dean not being able do anything about it. 'I don't want to go through this again'. Tears slowly snaked their way down Dean's cheeks, he sobbed loudly then collapsed into Bobby's arms. He cried loudly, horrible images danced before his eyes. He tried to get them to leave, to go away. He tried to tell himself that Sam was fine and Cole was burning in hell. But the images would not fade and Sam's pleading voice continued to ring painfully in his ears. He could hear Sam cry out to him and it brought more tears to Dean's eyes. "Go away" he mumbled, "just go, just go, just go, just go." he muttered over and over hoping that he could command the images and the voice to leave. Still they stayed.

It all became so real to Dean, the voice, the images, it was real. It was happening… Cole was alive and he had Sam… worse he was _hurting_ Sam.

SNSNSNSN

Sam slowly opened his eyes, he looked around the dark room, a small stream of light was peeking through a small window. He blinked a few times and his vision cleared. He looked around the room in alarm, then it all came back. Cole Collins was holding him captive. He'd been beaten and raped by the maniac. He was again struggled against the ropes that tied him to the bed, he felt them dig into his skin but he didn't care. He felt the ach of the cuts on his back and legs sting. Every time he moved his legs it sent a ripping pain through his body, bring tears to his eyes.

He tried not to let out a sob as he struggled harder. The scratch of the bed sheets stung his cuts and his aching body was quick to give up. But he wasn't listening to his body's protest; he was getting out of here. He managed to get one hand free, he wanted to cry out in relief but he had to be quiet. He started to untie the other hand, his fingers kept shaking and it made the simple task so much harder. He eventually managed to get his hand free.

He slowly sat up wincing in pain. Every thing hurt. He placed his feet on the icy cold floor then rose up on unsteady legs. He shook from the cold and from the abuse his body had endured. But with all he had he took a step forward, the simple move caused a world of pain but he forced on. He made his way around the dark room, the only light coming from the window. He stumbled over to a chair that held his clothes; he quickly and painfully dressed himself. Tears ran down his cheeks and he repressed a soft.

When he was half dressed he headed to the door; he tried his luck and turned the handle. To no surprise the door didn't open. Sam then turned to look at the window. He crossed the room and peeked through it. Sam figured he must have been somewhere far from town. He seemed to be located in the middle of a forest. He could make out tree stumps and thick grass but that was it. There was also no way he'd fit out the window.

He let out a sob and slammed his fist into the window. The move caused Sam more pain and the window remained undamaged. He felt tears run unchecked down his cheeks. He turned around in hope of finding another way out but instead he came face to face with his captor. Cole stood a few feet from Sam; a deep frown creased his forehead.

Sam felt his heart pick up speed and more tears flowed down his reddened cheeks. Cole moved causally towards Sam, he seemed to be deep in thought. He stopped in front Sam and grabbed both of his wrists, making more blood spill from the cuts. He led Sam over to the bed and placed him roughly on the mattress. He sat down beside Sam but did no more.

Sam felt his heart beat a mile a minute; he knew pain was to come. Though Cole stayed still for a while then he moved and Sam cringed. Cole started to remove Sam's clothes, Sam should have struggled, should have fought but he was too weak. Finally Sam was stripped of everything he had on, his head lowered in embarrassment.

He could hear the sound of footsteps, Cole's footsteps. He was moving around the room, opening drawers then shutting them then opening another. A loud scratching noise startled Sam and he looked up to see that Cole was on the wooden chair. He'd placed it right in front of Sam; he offered Sam a serene yet sinister smile.

Sam felt the fear taking over, he wanted to run, to scream, to cry but he was frozen. He stared directly into Cole's cold eyes; they were filled with pure evil. Sam tried to look away but when he did Cole gripped his chin with his fingers and forced him to look back at him. His nails dug so hard into Sam's flesh that he drew blood, a small whimper escaped Sam's mouth.

Cole chuckled softly at Sam then pulled him forwards and pressed his lips against Sam's. Cole's icy lips crushed Sam's; he forced his tongue in Sam's mouth. Sam felt ill as Cole's tongue exploded his mouth and caressed his own tongue with an odd harshness. Finally Cole ended the kiss. He pulled back and stared at Sam with lust filled eyes. He stroked a few stray hairs away from Sam's face then ran his cold fingers over Sam's pink lips.

"So beautiful" he mused "but such trouble" he took Sam's hand and held it to his face then kissed each finger. He lowered Sam's shaky hand. Sam whimpered and pleaded for him to just let him go. He held one of Sam's fingers tight then with one swift pull the bone snapped and a sickening crack lifted the silence.

Sam would have cried out if Cole hadn't placed his hand over his mouth. He whispered words of apologies as he stroked Sam's face. He said it had to be done, that he must be punished. Sam shook violently as Cole moved onto the next finger, the same sickening crack echoed in the room. Sam sobbed louder but Cole's hand stayed over his mouth.

He then repeated his actions three more times, breaking every finger on Sam's right hand. When he was done he laid Sam down on the bed then snugged in beside him. Sam turned his head and hid it in the pillow while Cole stroked Sam's body, touching anywhere he wanted. Sam sobbed as he felt Cole kiss him and say that he loved him and he was the only one who loved him and that this had to be done. Sam knew that his worst nightmare would soon be real but for now he tried to escape. But the horrible pain throughout his body pinned him to his waking nightmare and he was forced to listen to Cole tell him that he loved him and that Dean hated him.

And after a while he believed it.

SNSNSNSN

"I gotta save Sam, I gotta find him, can't let him go through it again, I promised he wouldn't have to, I promised, I have to keep my promise, I promised" Dean had been babbling the same words for the last twenty minutes, over and over. He had been sobbing loudly and screaming for Sam and when he wasn't he was muttering none coherent words. Bobby had been trying to get the poor kid to make sense but every time Dean spoke it was nonsense.

Bobby had tried everything but Dean was hysterical, he was a babbling mess. He was shaking, sobbing and screaming. He was so lost in his anguish that he was unreachable. But Bobby had to try. He tried offering more comfort to the broken man but still nothing, he kept crying. He was at wits end, what the hell was he meant to do?

Finally Dean's sobs subsided but he was still mumbling 'save Sammy'. Bobby decided to lay Dean and pull the covers up around him, he was a mess and he couldn't reach him at the moment. He switched off the lights and sat down next the broken hunter and stroked his hair soothingly, hoping he could calm down. Dean had settled down somewhat when he Tristan jumped up onto the bed and snuggled in next to Dean.

Dean pulled the pup close to his shaking body and hid his face in his fur and cried softly. Bobby watched as Dean finally stopped all together then fell into a restless sleep. He watched him sleep for a while, afraid if he left that he would start again, seeing Dean so broken was too much to bear. Once he was sure that Dean was asleep he climbed into his own bed and soon he succumbed to the darkness.

SNSNSNSN

Sam's eyes slowly opened and he found himself once again tied to the bed. He was in too much pain to try and escape again, his last attempted had left him with five broken fingers, which were now causing quite some pain. He tried to move his fingers but he was rewarded with a bout of sickness, the sound of the bones crunching made him cringe. He bit back a cry of pain and forced down bile in his throat.

He blinked away the tears and took in deep rugged breaths. He felt the bed shift and he opened his eyes to see Cole staring at him through his cold heartless eyes. Sam looked away not wanting to see the maniac that held him captive. He felt his hand on his leg and pulled it away, trying to get away from the menacing man.

With great force Sam's head was jerked to the side and he was forced to look into Cole's cold blue eyes. He wanted to look away, to just close his eyes and escape but there was no escaping this man. He pressed a firm kiss to Sam's lips forcing his tongue into Sam's mouth. He ended the kiss and sat up staring at Sam with the sickening lust.

"Why must you fight it Sam?" he asked in his ominous tone "no one is coming for you, no one loves you but me" he ran his fingers through Sam's messy brown hair "I will always love you Sam, I will never leave you. Not like Dean. He pushed you away but I never will, and you must love me in return Sam and let me do as I please" he caressed Sam's cheek softly "do you understand?"

Sam shut his eyes, hiding his tears. Cole however didn't like it, he slapped Sam hard across the face, his eyes snapped open and the tears fell freely. Cole gripped Sam's chin in the crock of his fingers "Do. You. Understand?" he pounced each word slowly.

Sam nodded his head.

"Say it" Cole hissed hitting Sam across the face with his first.

"Y… yes."

"Say you understand, Cole" Cole's fist made contact with Sam's face again.

"I… I understand Cole."

"Good" Cole said coldly then rose to his feet and walked over to the dresser. He picked up a tray then walked back to Sam he who was sobbing quietly. He felt Cole untie his hands and pull him into a sitting position. He opened his eyes to see a tray of food before him, his stomach growled hungrily. His eyes wondered over the tray, there was a glass of water a bowl of cereal and some toast. He licked his lips hungrily and Cole smirked.

He moved to Sam's side and took the glass of water and pressed it to Sam's lips. He tipped the glass back and Sam gulped down the water. He drained the glass then Cole went to feed him. He was so hungry that he let the maniac hand feed him; he closed his eyes and tried to imagine it was someone else. He closed his eyes and went to a safer place.

SNSNSNSN

The sunlight crept in through the tack blinds of the motel room, creating a scattered pattern of light across Dean's face. He slowly opened his eyes, groaning softly, he turned away from the light, seeking the darkness. When he rolled on to his side he saw Bobby sleeping in Sam's bed and his waking nightmare returned to him. Sam was missing. They had gotten into a fight and he walked out and never came back. Sam was missing. Someone had him! He saw him, in the park. He had seen Sam, he was covered with blood and he crying, begging to be saved. '_I don't want to go through this again' _there was only one thing Sam never wanted to go through again and at that the thought Dean's blood ran cold. Was someone hurting him? Was someone using him for their own pleasure? No. He couldn't let that happen, he'd promised Sam he would never go through that again. Would his promise be broken? No. Dean would not let that happen, he would find Sam. He would keep his promise, because he never broke a promise.

He jumped out of bed, waking Bobby up as he did. He started to pace around the room, he couldn't sit still. He had to find Sam, he had to. But they had looked everywhere! All over town and they had not found him anywhere. How could that be? Someone had him, some sick maniac like Cole had Dean's baby brother and he was going to find him. Even if he had to tear this town apart.

"Dean."

Dean looked up at Bobby but he didn't stop pacing, he didn't want to stop.

"Dean" Bobby got out of bed and moved over to him, stopping in front of the frantic young man "Calm down!"

"CALM DOWN" he bellowed "how can I be calm when Sammy is missing! How can I be calm when it's my fault? I can't be calm Bobby!" Dean took a deep ragged breath getting ready to shout again but Bobby silenced him.

"Yelling and screaming isn't going to get Sam back Dean" Bobby said firmly "you have to pull it together or we're not going to find him!"

"But its my fault" he said with tears glistening in his eyes.

"And for God sake stop blaming yourself!" he yelled "you wallowing in self-pity is only going to slow us down!" he took a breath "now pull your shit together and lets go find Sam."

"Ok" he said with a curt nod of the head "but where do we start Bobby?"

Bobby let out a long sigh "I don't know Kid, but don't worry because we will find him, I promise."

Dean looked away and gave another nod; he hoped to God that Bobby was right. Because if they didn't find Sam, Dean couldn't live with himself, he had to find Sam. He had to make it right again. He had to.

SNSNSNSN

Cole watches Sam as he takes the small offerings of food and water, "Good boy Sammy, very good," he whispers stroking Sam's sweaty bangs off his forehead. Sam flinches a little as Cole reminds him where he is, pulling him away from the safe place he imagined. "It's ok Sammy, it's just me, nothing to worry about," Cole continues to whisper as he leans in to kiss Sam's face. A low groan escapes Sam's mouth as he leans away from the unwanted affection

"Sammy, come on dear boy, you know it is just me, I love you," Cole says bringing Sam closer again as he continues to kiss Sam. He tries to fight Cole off, but his body protests from the movements, he is too weak, too tired and too sore to move much more than a flinch. "Tsk, tsk Sammy. After all I do for you, I feed you and love you, and this is how you repay me? That hurts me," He says, the anger evident in his voice. But Sam doesn't listen; instead he once again tries to roll away from the touch.

"Enough Sammy!" Cole shouts. He walks away from the bed and back over to the draw where he kept the whip.

Sam knew what was coming, he knew he had to get away, but he couldn't move.

Instead of the long leather whip, Cole brought out a long thin line of something metallic and walked over to the ancient furnace that was in the basement. "I'm sorry my sweet, but I have to do this, it's for your own good," Cole apologised as he placed the metal strip into the furnace.

"No… Please," Sam pleaded rolling over to cover his face, trying to make his body as small as possible.

"Shh Sammy, it will be ok, I'm doing this for you," He said as he brought the now glowing piece of metal out and walked over to Sam. "Turn around Sammy," He said. When Sam didn't Cole brought the hot metal down against Sam's back where the open wounds were. Sam's body arched up in pain, a silent scream escaping him. "You should really listen to me when I ask something of you," Cole said returning the metal bar into the hot furnace. He walked back and swiftly grabbed Sam's already broken hand and lay the metal bar over the palm scorching the tender flesh that was there. The sizzling sounds could be heard over Sam's whimpers.

The bar was removed, pulling flesh off with it and returned into the furnace where it became hotter again."I'm sorry Sammy." Cole said as he returned and once again lay the hot metal down on the top of Sam's hand.The treatment continued until all of Sam's right hand, including the broken fingers were covered in blisters and was swollen from the heat so badly that he couldn't move it at all.Tears raced down the side of Sam's face, but no words or pleas were said as he endured the newest form of torture brought against him. Thankfully the pain soon became too much to handle and Sam was pulled into the darkness.

Cole looked down at his Sammy and smiled. _So cute when he sleeps_ Cole thought to himself as he lay down next to Sam. Cole molded his body against Sam's and brought his arm up around him, slowly stroking up and down Sam's side. "So beautiful Sammy," He whispered into Sam's ear as he placed gentle kisses along Sam's neck. "Far too beautiful for anyone but I have to hurt you Sammy, don't you see?" Cole's hand soon began to slip lower and lower down as his desire grew stronger and stronger, "Sammy my sweet," he whispered as his hand wrapped around Sam, slowly tugging at it. Cole's hard line of muscle nestled into the crook of Sam's ass as his movements became more frantic seeking more friction. "Mmm Sammy. So good!" Cole practically shouted.

Cole continued to shout more and more as his desire grew. Cole moved his hand to Sam's back, his fingers searching out the heat that was Sam. Without any warning or preparation Cole slid two fingers into Sam and started to stretch him frantically. The pain was immense, pulling Sam back from the darkness with a yell. _No… No… Not again_ Sam thought as the tearing feeling started. "Please no…" Sam whispered Cole completely ignored him, too focused on what he was about to do.

Cole's fingers were soon removed, however Sam's relief was short lived as the thick muscle was placed against Sam's entrance and entered him swiftly. With no time for Sam's body to adjust to the intrusion Cole started to move in and out, blood and precum allowing for some lubrication.Sam's whimpering increased in intensity as the pain grew. "No, please, stop. Dean!" Sam shouted as he felt Cole's release.

"Oh so good Sammy! So good. But you ruined it didn't you now? Calling out that name? Do I need to teach you another lesson now?" Cole threatened.

Sam whimpered again too lost in his pain to understand what Cole was saying, or doing. "Sammy my boy, I'm sorry, but I have to do this." Cole said as he brought out a large knife. Cole rolled Sam over so he was lying on his back and settled himself over Sam's thighs. "Sammy, what do you want?" Cole questioned.

"Safe…" Sam whispered.

"You are safe Sammy, what do you want?" He asked again.

"Dean" Sam said softly.

"No!" Cole said as he ran the knife against Sam's abdomen, a long line of blood welling up in its wake. "What do you?"

"What do you want?" Cole asked again.

"Dean…" Sam replied once more. Again the knife ran against Sam's skin, this time deeper though.

"Dean doesn't want you Sammy," Cole said "What do you want?"

"Dean"

Cut.

"What do you want?"

"Dean?"

Cut.

"What do you want?"

"Dean"

Cut.

"What do you want?"

"De…" Sam started only to be silenced by the knife tracing a line against his neck.

"What do you want?" Cole said ominously

"Nothing."

_**To Be Continued**_

_**Please leave a review**_


	5. Chapter 4 Desperately Seeking Sammy

**Chapter four: ****Desperately Seeking Sammy**

A month.

A month to the day.

A whole month without knowing where Sam was.

Dean was at a loss. He had no idea where Sam was and he had no idea how to find him. He'd searched everywhere, day after day, never giving up, never stopping. He'd spent most nights awake, silently crying for his brother. To make it worse when he was asleep he had nightmares, nightmares of his brother. He would find himself in the same tacky motel room as last year and he would wake up to find Cole abusing his brother and like before he could not move, he could not save Sam. He also had the recurring dream of the night in the park, when Sam begged to be saved, where he asked Dean if he still loved him. It was his waking nightmare. He could always hear Sam's pain filled voice, see the tears and blood spill from his eyes.

He wanted to reach out and pull Sam into his warm embrace, to caress his hair and tell him that he was safe and no one would hurt him. Tell him that he loved him and he would never let him go. He would not let anyone hurt his Sammy. But was it too late? Had someone inflicted so much damage that Dean couldn't fix him, couldn't bring him back? Deep down a little voice told Dean that Sam would never be the same when, if he found him. Had Dean lost Sam? Had he lost his baby brother? Would he never see him again? Would he forever remain in the grasp of a sick twisted man?

Dean didn't want to think of the worse but it's all he could think about. When he saw the image of Sam in the park he lost hope and he knew, he knew from that moment that someone had his Sammy and they were hurting him and he knew that that someone was Cole Collins. He didn't know how but he knew. He wanted so badly to find Sam to make him ok but he didn't know where to look. He looked everywhere and he and Bobby and not found a single trace of Sam.

Maybe there was nothing to find. Maybe someone had done the unthinkable. Maybe he was… Dean couldn't think it, he couldn't bear to. He was not going to admit that Sam maybe dead, he was missing but he was alive. Dean could feel it, he knew Sam was alive but for how much longer he did not know. But he had to find him and fast. He knew time was running out.

"Dean" came Bobby's gruff voice "Kid you need to get some sleep" Bobby sat down next to him and turned to face him. It was one in the morning and the only light was from the gap in the curtain. The moonlight trickled through, making Dean look like a ghost. He turned to face Bobby, tears running down his cheeks.

"I can't sleep," he said in a stage whisper.

"Dean you need to" Bobby said softly.

"I don't want to," he sobbed.

"Why Dean?" Bobby asked concern laced in his voice.

"I don't wanna see Sammy hurt" he said, letting tears run unchecked down his face "I can't save him this time and it hurts to see him… he's always covered in blood and bruises and Cole's… always…always" he broke off into a loud sob and Bobby pulled him into his arms. He felt Bobby caress his hair and whisper soft words to him and for the first time in Dean's life he clutched at someone like it was his life support, he held onto Bobby the way Sam held onto him and he didn't want to let go.

"Just go to sleep Dean" Bobby said soothingly "I'm here, your safe."

"Sammy's not" he mumbled "Sammy's not."

"Shhh" Bobby said still soothing the broken hunter "he will be…"

"When" Dean asked.

"When we find him."

"What if we don't," he asked groggily.

"We will" Bobby assured "we will Kid."

SNSNSNSN

Sam lay naked on the floor of the basement, shivering and sobbing. Cole paced angrily around the room, muttering and cursing loudly. Sam cringed every time Cole shouted. He walked over to him and gave him a swift kick in the stomach; Sam whimpered and withdrew into himself. Cole then stormed away from, knocking things down in his anger. Sam shut his eyes tight and tried to imagine he was somewhere else but it never worked, not anymore. Cole had broken him, left him empty and craving death. He just wanted to die, to escape the pain, to escape this hell.

But death never came.

His living hell grew worse and worse. It was hell and Cole was the devil himself. He'd broken Sam, shattered his soul yet he claimed to love him; that he was only one who loved him. He told him that Dean hated him, loathed him, he was a burden and his brother was happy to be rid of him. Sadly Sam believed him, after last year Sam knew he was a burden to Dean, a waste of space.

He was nothing.

Cole was still pacing back and forth, angry words spilling from his mouth, however Sam can't quiet remember what he had done wrong this time. With a final kick to the stomach Cole walks up the old stairs and slams the door shut. Sam lays waiting for more pain to come, but when it doesn't he curls in on himself as much as possible and wills the darkness to come. With a final sob Sam closes his eyes and keeps his mouth shut, not calling out the name he really wants**.**

**SNSNSNSN**

It was late. Another night without knowing where Sam was, or how he was doing. Dean was still driving around, the sun long gone, looking for any signs of his brother, anything that would let him know that his brother was still alive. Tristan was in the back seat, crying by the sounds of it. No one was happy that was for sure. Bobby had gone in the opposite direction. Although he most likely had already given in for the day.

The car screeched to a halt in front of a ratty old bar, Dean climbed out and slammed the door behind him, not caring about his baby these days, and leaving Tristan alone in there. Under the pretense of looking for Sam, Dean went into the bar and looked around, he could get answers here, but he was definitely going to get drunk. God did he need to forget everything, at least for tonight.

It was hours later when Dean stumbled out of the bar; awkward in his steps he reached his car and rested against the side sighing. Tristan was on the other side, his paw was on the window and he was looking back at Dean, the damn mutt wanted out. "Later" Dean mumbled ignoring Tristan as he started to open his door. Tristan saw his chance and bolted out in a blur of black and white.

"Damnit!" Dean yelled as he quickly sobered up and started chasing after Sam's dog.

Tristan was damn fast on his feet, of course Dean being drunk didn't help matters, but it seemed that whenever Dean got too far away Tristan would slow just a little so Dean could keep him in his sights. "Damn mutt" Dean muttered not for the first time. They were already in the outskirts of the town but the dog seemed to want to leave it completely, he was running towards a line of trees, to where the last of the buildings were settled.

Tristan ran through another car park and stopped to sniff around a park bench that was opposite the small shopping mall. "Come here you," Dean said trying to grab at Tristan's collar. He dodged the grab and trotted over to the bushes where he pawed at the ground. Dean looked over but saw nothing of great importance; that was until Tristan dug out a small object from the surrounding shrubbery.

"What you got there boy?" Dean asked as he crouched down carefully picking up the object. It was a needle, something that could have been used by some drug addict, but from the way Tristan was looking at it, Dean thought it could mean something more. "What's this boy? Huh?" Dean said wrapping the needle up in a cloth and holding it gently. He needed to get his car back before they went out searching more.

Dean tried to coax Tristan away from the spot, but he wouldn't budge. "Ok, fine. Stay!" Dean commanded. Tristan sat down and cocked his head to the side. "Good boy. Stay here until I get back," Dean said as he rushed off in the direction he had just come from.

A few minutes later and the roar of the Impala broke through the silence of the night. Dean got out of his car and walked back to where Tristan still was, lying down waiting for him patiently. "Ok boy, sniff this and let's go find Sammy!" Dean said showing the needle to Tristan again and adding emphasis to Sam's name. Tristan poked his nose at the object and then set off at a fast pace down the road. Dean got back into his car, and with his headlights on Tristan he followed on**.**

Eventually Tristan slowed to a walk as he neared a small clearing from the dirt path they were on. In front of the pair was a small cottage, the wood rotting and the windows broken. "Please God let Sammy be here," Dean practically begged, crouching down and holding Tristan close to him. If Sammy were here, then it would be now that Dean would find out if Sam was hurt, or worse…

Grabbing a shotgun from the boot Dean and Tristan first walked around the outside of the house, checking for any signs of life. When nothing was found they slowly made their way in through the front door, the wood creaking in protest under Dean's weight. As quietly as he could Dean searched each room, Tristan right behind him, just like they had taught him to do during their hunts. Once each room waschecked Dean deflated a bit. There were signs someone had been here, food and running water, even small amounts of power, but there were no signs of Sam.

"Tristan, find Sammy," Dean whispered, giving Tristan permission to move around. He immediately started sniffing the ground, walking through the rooms they had already passed until he stopped in front of a small hatch in the ground, camouflaged by the rotting timber. "Good boy," Dean said pushing Tristan back behind him just incase. With the butt of the gun Dean punched a hole through where he assumed the hatch started and then opened up the door, which lead to a steep flight of stairs. Dean breathed in and started his way down, readying himself for anything.

As his eyes adjusted to the limited amount of light in the room Dean took in his surroundings. There wasn't much, a small bed pushed against the wall, a set of drawers and a furnace that explained why the house was warm, as well as a few bits and pieces scattered around the floor, but no sign of Sammy. Dean's shoulder shrunk, he had thought Tristan had led him to his brother, but he was wrong. It was just another wild goose chase. Dean was about to give up and turn back up the stairs when Tristan bolted past him and over to the corner, whining and crying. Dean turned and saw that Tristan was standing over a figure curled into a ball.

"Sammy…?" Dean breathed as he rushed to Tristan's side.

Pushing the dog's muzzle aside, Dean gently turned the figure over; he was tall like Sam, but so much thinner and damaged. Letting out a shaky breath Dean looked up to meet the unmistakable hazel eyes that peered back at him though slits. "Oh God Sammy!" Dean cried, tears seeping over and running freely down his face. He didn't know what to do, Sam was obviously hurt, moving him would probably make it worse**.**

Carefully, Dean removed the threadbare blanket from the bed and wrapped his brother in it as gently as he could, covering Sam's nudity. Dean had to act fast, who knew how long the bastard that did this had been gone for, or more importantly, how long until he returned. Placing his arms behind Sam's back and under his knees Dean heaved him up, surprised with the little amount of effort needed to pick his brother up.

Dean nearly over balanced. Once he regained himself Dean looked down at his brother, his eyes were closed and his breathing irregular. "Hold on Sammy, I'm here now, you're safe," Dean said as he made his way up the stairs, Tristan following close behind. Back at his car, Dean placed Sammy in the passenger's seat with his head towards the driver's side, he rounded the car and let Tristan in the back and got in himself placing Sam's head in his lap. Dean dialed Bobby's number and quickly explained how he was heading to the nearest hospital straight away, not even bothering to explain how he had found Sam. That could wait.

**SNSNSNSN**

An hour later found Dean pacing up and down the corridor of Forks Hospital. His legs ached from the abuse he put on them, his whole body cried out, needing rest but he couldn't stop. He had to keep moving, because if he didn't he would start to think, think about Sam, thinking about the sick bastard that hurt him. He had to be calm for Sam, be ready to comfort his broken brother. The word broken rang in his ear; Sammy was broken, torn apart once again. Someone, some sick freak had gladly torn apart Sam, had broken him without care.

Dean felt tears sting his eyes and a dry lump formed in his throat. He balled his hands into fists and started to walk faster, needing the pain of his burning muscles to push away the mental pain. He paced up and down so fast that the wall became a blur, the faces of the many strangers mingled together into a mass of colour. His aching muscles where not enough to stop the pain, it stayed, so strong and consuming.

He wanted to break down, to cry, to scream but he couldn't. He had to stay strong for Sam, he owed him that much. After all it was his fault Sam was here now, his fault that he was pacing up and down a hospital corridor. If only he had remembered, if only he went after Sam straight after, if only he didn't push him, if only this had never happened.

Dean let a silent tear fall but no more than that, he wouldn't cry, he didn't deserve to. He took in a deep breath and tried to remain calm, to think positive, maybe Sam wasn't as hurt he looked, maybe he hadn't been raped. Maybe everything would be ok? He doubted it. Someone had broken his brother, he didn't know what they had done but he knew it was his worst nightmare.

Sam's worst nightmare.

"Dean."

Hearing Bobby's voice brought Dean back to the present; he turned around to face Bobby who stood next to a man withshort blonde hair and green eyes. This man was better known as Doctor Evan Markovic, the very same Doctor who treated Sam last year. Dean had requested that only Dr Markovic treat him and thankfully he was in a town close by. He didn't know why but having Dr Markovic made this seem easier to deal with, and yet all too familiar.

"Dean" he breathed "I'm so sorry" he apologised, tears glistened in his green eyes, he'd grown so attached to these boys last year and to know that they were about to go through the same hell was killing him.

Dean bit his lip forced the tears back "Is he ok?" he sobbed.

"Dean, come with me son," Dr Markovic said leading Dean into a private room where that sat opposite each other, Evan resting his hand on Dean's knee.

"Dean, Sam is in pretty bad shape…" He began, his voice soft but firm"Dean when you brought Sam in, he was severely dehydrated and malnourished, which we are treating with several saline IVs, but that is the least of our worries right now, Sam has a hell of a lot of evidence for abuse;

He has been cut along his back and front, even between his thighs from what looks like knife wounds and something more, I would say something like a whip, he has also been severely burnt on his back, across some of the lashings, which will leave him with more disfigured than just the cuts, at the moment we have cleaned them out and are watching for signs of infection.

Internally he has a few broken ribs and some internal bleeding that we have to keep an eye out for; it seems he was kicked a few times around his stomach. His right hand is also severely damaged. It seems who ever did this to your brother decided to break each finger, on top of that there is evidence that Sam was repeatedly burnt on that hand, palm, and fingers, up past his wrist is all severely burnt. Unfortunately I don't think he will have proper use of that hand ever again. With time and therapy he may regain some function, but it does seem unlikely."

The doctor let everything he had said sink into the young man, his face growing paler with every word. "I'm sorry to be the one that has to tell you this Dean, but there were also signs of rape. Just like last time, he needed stitches and will need on going treatment. But I'll be here to help you again boy, and so will Bobby." The doc said placing his hand on Dean's shoulder offering what little support he could.

Dean shook his head; he started to sob, the tears finally falling. He couldn't believe this, this had to be a dream, it just couldn't be real. How could it be? Why had this happened? Sam didn't deserver this, he'd already gone through this, wasn't once enough? This couldn't be true, how could it be?

It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair.

Dean felt anger and hate well up within him; his sobs of sorrow turned into sobs of rage, his body shook from the anger. He was going to kill the bastard that did this to Sam. He would inflict pain beyond belief into the sick twisted man who hurt his Sammy. He would torture him then just leave him to die. Let him bleed to death. He would inflict as much pain that was humanly possible.

"Dean" Evan's voice took him away from his violent thoughts "you need to calm down."

"How can I?" he hissed, his eyes fierce and shinning with rage "How can I be calm when some sick bastard has tortured and raped my brother!" he was nearly shouting now "why wasn't once enough? Why did this have to happen to Sammy" his fit of rage turned to sorrow, tears cascaded down his face. "He did nothing wrong, never hurt anyone" he sobbed, "he was always willing to help and this is what he gets?" he locked eyes with Evan "this isn't fair!"

"I know Dean" he said calmly "but you can't change this son… but you can be there for him, you can make everything ok."

"Yeah then someone can screw it up again," he said bitterly, his eyes flashing as black as night "someone like Cole" he spoke the last words in a whispered voice and a sudden chill went through him. "Cole…"

"Dean" Evan asked concerned "son are you ok?"

Dean bit back a sob "No… I'm not" he choked out "but I will be" he rose to his feet and left with one thought on his mind: it was time for Cole to pay for what he did to his Sammy.

**TBC**

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	6. Chapter 5 Shattered

**Chapter five: Shattered**

Bobby waited anxiously outside of Dr Evan Markovic's office; he felt his heart hammering away as he dreaded the news that the Doctor had to deliver. It wasn't going to be good, Sam was so badly hurt. He was broken. Shattered without care. Bobby shivered at the thought of what the sick maniac had done to Sam, he wasn't sure he wanted to know. But he had no choice.

He heard the door open and he looked up to see Dean storm out, walking towards the exit. Bobby quickly followed, grabbing the younger man and forcing him to face him. He had tears running down his face and pure hatred shone in his eyes. Bobby had to force back his own tears, Dean no longer looked like the fun free man he use to be, no now he wore a cold expression and wore a broken soul.

"Is Sam ok?" Bobby asked, his voice broken.

"Yeah, if being tortured and raped counts for being ok" he spoke harshly.

"Oh no" Bobby said and for once he let a tear fall "Dean I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologise to me," he said abruptly "Sammy is the one who has been hurt and it's all my fault so don't give me sympathy, I don't deserve it, hell I deserve to be the one that was tortured and raped! I do bad things, I kill without mercy, I never give it a second thought but Sammy does! He cares! He cares about everyone, he'd help anyone and this is what happens!" he shouted, "It's not fair! He doesn't deserver this! I do, the sick fuck that did this to him does but Sam surely doesn't."

Bobby went to reply but Dean had already turned around headed off towards the exit once more "where are you going?" he shouted after him.

Dean turned to face him, looking more like a demon then a man "I'm going to make sure that the sick fuck who hurt Sam never gets the chance to do so again!" and with that Dean disappeared into the night.

Bobby heaved a sigh then followed after Dean.

SNSNSNSN

Cole crept slightly back into the room where he held Sam captive. He'd gone out to get some more food, Sam must be getting hungry but if he didn't behave he would starve him again. Also if he called out Dean's name one more time he would be forced to take out his tongue. He always ruined good moments and he was sick of it. Sam was his not Dean's and Sam had to know that, so punishment was the only way he would he learn. He hated having to hurt Sam but at the same time he enjoyed, he liked to be in control.

But right now he was in the mood for something else, something he loved so much. He craved it, he needed it to survive, he had to feel himself inside of Sam, it just felt so good. He looked around the room with lustful eyes, searching for his toy, his life support. He switched on the light and chased away the shadows.

But the room was empty.

Sam was gone.

"NO!" he shouted, "how can that be" he started to search the room, looking everywhere. He tore the room apart in his fit of rage, smashing things on the floor and tipping over the few objects in the room. "SAM WHERE ARE YOU" he yelled angrily. "Come out boy."

"You lookin' for someone?"

Cole spun around at the unfamiliar voice but when he saw the face he knew all to well who the man was "Dean Winchester" he said ominously "nice to see you again."

"Can't say the same about you" his eyes narrowed and his hands balled into fists "Cole."

"Ahh you are a smart boy" he said smiling maliciously "I'm surprised you remembered me"

"Oh really" Dean crossed the room in one stride and pinned Cole to the wall "How could I forget the sick fuck who ruined my brothers life" he hissed "no I could never forget, not you Cole."

"But you forgot the day Dean" he said coldly "you forgot the day I made your brother my bitch."

"Arrgghh" Dean slammed his first into Cole's face then kneed him the stomach and he doubled over in pain "You fucked everything up!" he shouted "now Bobby" he gestured to the unfamiliar man "and I are going to fuck you up."

"Such a language boy" Cole said through breaths "you kiss your brother with that mouth?"

At that Dean snapped; he slammed Cole down onto the ground, making sure to put all the weight on his face. The room seemed to shake and the sound of breaking bones followed the loud thud "shut up!"

"I kiss Sam with my mouth" he teased "I love the taste of him, I love to feel myself inside of him, its so great Dean" he chuckled softly "so amazing, you should really try it for yourself."

Dean grabbed a fist full of Cole's hair and slammed his face into the ground. He pulled his head back up; blood trickled down from his nose and over his lips. "You wanna say that again?" Dean hissed.

Cole chortled "Dean you don't know what you're missing out on" he shifted under Dean's weight so he could half look up at him "others will want to know too, they come for him, they'll want to taste him, to feel him."

Dean gritted his teeth but he felt a sudden rush of fear. Would more people want to hurt Sam? Would this not be the last time Sam went through this hell? No. This would never happen again; no one would ever hurt his Sammy again. Cole would never hurt _his_ Sammy again. He'd make sure of that. He'd make Cole endure everything he put Sam through, he'd break Cole just like he broke Sam.

"You'll never hurt Sam again," Dean said slamming his face on the ground then standing up and placing his foot on his back.

"He's mine Dean" Cole said grinning, "I made him mine."

Dean lifted his leg of off Cole's back then slammed it back down as hard his could, he then repeated the action five more times, leaving Cole gasping for air and quivering with pain. "No Cole" Dean couched down beside him and lifted his head up so he could look Cole in the eye "He is mine." He let go of Cole's hair and let his face drop to the floor. He stood up and searched the room for the whip that he had used to torture his baby brother with. He walked past Bobby he glanced at him nervously.

"Undress him" Dean ordered.

"Why?" Bobby asked.

"Sammy didn't get the privilege of clothes so why should he" he snapped, "Now do it or I will."

Bobby nodded; not even considering arguing after Dean's statement, if Sam didn't get the privilege of clothes then Cole didn't either. He quickly undressed the semiconscious man, throwing his clothes into the fire. He heard footsteps and turned around to see that Dean had returned a long whip in hand. Bobby moved aside and let Dean do as he pleased. Cole deserved all of what was coming to him, hell he deserved so much more but they'd be merciful. He watched as Dean raised the whip and struck at him, over and over, his cries the only sound in the room.

Dean dropped the whip to the floor and stared down at Cole, his back and legs were now covered with blood and he'd succumbed to the darkness. Dean smirked slightly but he felt his heart break as he remembered why he was here, torturing this man. He was here because of what this man had done to Sam. Tears welled up in his eyes and a lump formed in his throat, he could see Sam lying unconscious on the ground, after being beaten with the whip.

He felt anger, rage beyond belief sweep through him but when he went to continue his torture all he could see was Sam lying broken in the corner. He wanted to punish Cole for what he did but he couldn't, he couldn't be the same as the man who had tortured and raped his brother without mercy. What if he became like him, what if he hurt Sam the same way Cole had. What if he turned out to be just like Cole? No, that wouldn't happen. But he still couldn't bring himself to torture the man, because every time he looked down he saw his broken brother, not Cole.

"Dean are you ok?"

Bobby's voice sounded like a distant echo to Dean. He slowly turned to face the man who was more like a father to him. "I can't do this," he said fighting back tears "I don't want to be like him… I don't want to hurt Sammy."

"Dean" Bobby walked to him and placed both hands on his shoulders "You could never hurt Sam."

"But I have" he choked out "I forgot the day… I'm the reason. If I didn't get mad he wouldn't have left and Cole wouldn't have found him, it's my fault don't you see" tears broke free and Dean once again became a broken man "I promised him" his voice rose higher startling Bobby "I promised him that this would never happen again! I promised him Bobby and I broke it…"

"Dean please" Bobby pleaded, "This is not your fault."

"Yes it is" Dean wailed "and I have to fix it" he turned back around to face Cole, he was slowly regaining consciousness. Dean rolled him onto his back and pulled out his gun and pointed it at the maniac's head.

"You can't do it can you?" he demanded, "You don't wanna be like me, do you?

Dean stepped back, his hands were shaking and tears cascaded down his face.

"You'll be like me one day Dean" Cole laughed, "You'll want to know! You'll what to see how good it feels."

"You sick fuck!" he pulled the trigger and a loud bang echoed in the room followed by a howl of pain. Dean dropped the gun to the ground, his hands still shaking. He looked down at Cole, who was now bleeding to death "You'll never hurt him again" Dean stomping hard on his stomach "you can't now" he almost laughed "well you can't rape him" Dean once again crouched down and pulled Cole's head off the floor, "you'll never hurt anyone else again" he stood up and towered over the broken killer.

Dean then turned to Bobby "Finish it off," he bent down and picked up his gun "I'm going to go take care of Sam," he gave Cole one last look then walked out of the room.

"More will come after him Dean" Cole shouted after him "he won't be safe! He'll always be in danger, even from you."

"Shut it" Bobby said pulling the Colt out to kill the demon within, with one swift kick to the head he knocked Cole out. He then walked to Dean who had paused at the exit, "don't listen to him son, no one will hurt Sam again."

"Yeah I know," he said trying to assure the older hunter but he felt like it was a lie. Cole's words had struck him, what if this did happen again? What if Dean was the one who hurt him? No, he would never do that but others would, there were more people like Cole out there. And as long as there was Sam wasn't safe. But with Dean be his side he would be.

SNSNSNSN

Dean rushed back to the hospital after his encounter with Cole. Guilt coursed through him at the thought of Sam all alone in the hospital, cursing himself for not thinking about what would happen had Sam woken up alone.

Slowing down in front of Sam's private room, Dean took a breath and walked in. A small smile graced Dean's face at the look of innocence that remained, even after everything that happened, on Sam's face. Looking around the bare white room Dean was once again thankful to have Dr Markovic as Sam's doctor as he knew he wouldn't usually be able to afford a private room, or get Tristan permission to stay.

Tristan lay curled up at the foot of the bed atop Sam's feet, keeping guard over his master. Dean was glad that Sam had Tristan, not just for the fact that Tristan had helped Sam a lot, but also for the simple companionship he brought.

Dean walked over towards the bed and pulled up a chair, patting Tristan on the head he sat down and grabbed Sam's uninjured hand loosely in his own.

"I'm here now Sammy, you're safe," Dean whispered waiting for Sam to come to.

It was hours later until Dean felt Sam twitch, an early sign that Sam was coming around. Bobby had come by and with a nod, Dean understood that Cole was no more, salted and burned and dead. Slowly Sam started making more and more movements, a flicker of an eye, a squeeze of the hand, and Dean knew that it wouldn't be long until Sam awoke. However this was received with mixed feelings, Dean wanted his brother to wake up, so that he could reassure himself that Sam was alive, and yet he knew that Sam would be in pain and scared.

Sam's head rolled from side to side, his face pinched in pain, Dean stood up over his brother, hand still gripping Sam's as he raked his fingers through Sam's greasy hair.

"It's ok Sammy, you're safe now, Big Brother is here with ya now," Dean kept whispering as Sam slowly came around.

Glassy eyes looked up at Dean; however there was no recognition, only confusion, in Sam's beautiful hazel eyes. Frantically Sam's eyes darted back and forth taking in his surroundings. He was in more pain than he had ever been in, and now Cole had brought him somewhere else.

Everything was white and so bright that Sam would have thought he had died and gone to Heaven, if not for the pain he was in. Or was he in Hell? Holding back a sob at the thought Sam's mind began to clear, someone was talking to him, someone was touching him, and Sam knew that not replying could lead to more punishments.

"Sammy? It's Dean, hey Kiddo, you with us now?" Dean whispered still caressing Sam's hair.

A moan escaped Sam's lips, he was dreaming about Dean again, he could hear the soothing words, feel the gentle and loving touches, but it couldn't be true, Cole still had him.

"Sam, look at me little brother, you're safe now," Dean said realising that Sam still didn't understand what was going on. "Sam, you are in a hospital, Cole is dead."

_Dead? Cole is Dead?_ Sam's mind raced, was this another sick trick? Was Cole only trying to torture him more? Looking around the room again Sam picked up on his surroundings, seeing things he missed before. He was on a different, cleaner, bed and there were machines surrounding him, the beeping somewhat annoying. Sam looked up and his eyes met a pair of too green ones, which were familiar to him.

"De…" Sam started, but stopped himself before Cole could hear him.

"Yes Sammy, it's me, Dean."

Being praised for saying that name? Something was wrong.

"Dean?" Sam tried, only barely audible to start.

"That's it Sammy, it's me!" Dean said unable to hold back on his joy, his brother wasn't so broken that he had forgotten him. Small blessings.

Sam sighed in relief; he wasn't being punished for saying that name so Cole must be out. However that still didn't explain why he was in a new room.

"Bobby, bring Tristan over," Dean said glad that Bobby had held Tristan back to start with, giving the two brothers time together.

Bobby let go of Tristan's collar and the dog jumped back up onto the bed and slowly crawled up Sam's side. Crouching down Tristan whined before giving a soft lick to Sam's face.

Sam felt something touch his cheek and he turned his head away from the sensation, something still wasn't right, there was something that he was missing out on still. A sound broke through his haze though, a small whimper followed by a short bark. _A dog?_ Sam thought head moving back to the other side, his eyes were open but unseeing.

Tristan gave out another yip as he licked Sam's face once again, slowly drawing Sam out of his hell.

"Good boy Tristan," Dean praised patting the dog, "Sammy, Tristan is here, and so is Bobby, come on little brother," Dean said.

After still getting no reaction from his brother, Dean moved the hand he held and placed it on Tristan's head, slowly moving the hand up and down against the fur.

"Feel that Sam? It's Tristan, you remember him don't ya?" Dean encouraged softly as he felt Sam start to move his hand without Dean's help.

"Tristan?" Sam mumbled accepting more licks from the dog. "Dean?" he said, clearer this time as his eyes met Dean's, this time seeing him.

"It's good to have you back Sammy," Dean said noticing when Sam flinched at the name. "Sam? You ok kiddo?" Dean asked worried he had done something wrong.

"Cole..." Sam started.

"Cole is dead Sammy –" _flinch_ "you don't have to worry about him anymore," Dean said.

"Cole called me... he called me Sammy," he mumbled softly as a shiver ran down his spine.

"Ok, I won't call you that," Dean replied giving Sam a soft smile, tears glistening in his eyes.

Sam gave a slight nod but looked away from his brother; it was all too much to handle still. Was he really safe now?

"Sammy, I have to call the doctor now, he has to know that you are awake, he needs to check you," Dean said regretting having to do so and Sam's fearful gaze.

"No… No please, I don't want… Want anyone to see me… Like this," He whispered.

"Sam, don't worry, it's Evan, you remember him, he helped you last time, you know him." Dean encouraged as he pressed the call button.

"Doctor? Evan?" Sam said, using only broken sentences.

"Yeah Sammy, Evan will be your doctor, no one new has to know," Dean said understanding exactly what Sam was saying.

Doctor Markovic walked in at that point but stayed by the door as not to startle his patient. Dean looked over his shoulder and then back at his brother, "Evan is here Sammy, can he come and look at you?" Dean asked softly, not even Bobby had come close to Sam yet.

"Safe?" Sam asked.

"It's safe Sam, Evan won't hurt you," Dean said.

Sam shook his head. "Keep safe?" he said again.

"I'll look after you baby brother," Dean said gesturing for the doctor to come.

"Hi Sam, do you remember me?" Evan started coming up by Sam but not touching him.

Sam nodded and mumbled "Doctor".

"That's right, are you in any pain?" _nod_ "I'll give you something for that then, do you remember what happened to you?" _nod_ "That's ok, you are safe now Sam, Do you understand what is going on?" this time Sam shook his head, he still wasn't all that sure.

"Sam, your brother found you and brought you here, and I was called in since I knew you, you have a lot of things that we need to keep an eye on, so if something feels wrong you need to tell us right away, ok? You are safe now, no one will hurt you, now all you need is to rest and get better, and Dean, Tristan, Bobby and I will be here to help you." He explained deciding not to go into any detail, Sam had lived through the torture, he didn't have to think about it again.

Sam nodded and felt his eye lids grow heavy with exhaustion.

Noticing this Evan said "I'll give you some pain killers now; they will help you sleep ok?" He said adjusting one of the drips.

Sam nodded in thanks and Evan left without another word. Dean looked back at Bobby and gestured that he go back to get some rest. Now alone, Sam seemed to relax a tiny bit more, this he could deal with, just him, Dean and Tristan. With slow, jerky movements Sam brought his hand up off Tristan and laced his fingers into his brothers.

"Get some rest Sam," Dean said sitting down.

"Stay?" Sam asked, fear back in his eyes.

"I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

And with that, Sam succumbed to the exhaustion.

**TBC**

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	7. Chapter 6 Beautiful Tragedy

**Chapter six: Beautiful Tragedy**

Dean sat outside the hospital, a steaming cup of coffee in his hands. He lifted his gaze from the coffee to meet the car park; only a few cars could be seen.Dean sighed and took a sip of his coffee; he'd stayed up all night, not wanting to leave Sam's side. Sam had woken up drawing the night, unaware of where he was; lucky it didn't take long to calm him down.

Dean knew this was going to take some time to get Sam back to the way he was. But would Sam be ok? Could he move past this? He seemed so broken, so lost. Dean blinked away the tears, swallowing the dry lump in his throat. He wiped away the tears with the back of his hand; he had to stay strong for Sam. He had to fix this mess he had helped create. He had to protect his brother from the world, protect him from the people like Cole and all the rest.

He rose to his feet, his body seemed to ach all over. He yawned and stretched his arms and cracked his back, his bones and muscles seemed so stiff. He was so exhausted, he wanted, he needed to sleep. But he wouldn't allow himself to; he had to be there for Sam. He couldn't sleep, not while Sam was so lost.

He shouldn't even be out here. But he had to get some air; he had to clear his mind. He tried to think clearly, tried to find a way to make Sam ok but his mind was foggy. It was working over time, trying to deal with everything at once. He had one hell of a headache and it wasn't helping any. He felt his body sway to the side; he gripped at the wall for support. Now was not the time to be sick. He had to take care of Sam.

He'd been hurt by Cole and it was Dean's fault. He'd let his baby brother be taken from him, how could he have let that happen? He'd _promised_. He promised Sam he would never let anyone touch him again. Yet here they were again, living in their own personal hell. Dean's body seemed to sway more and he gripped the wall harder. No he couldn't be sick, not now, not when Sammy needed him.

"Pull yourself together Dean," he scolded himself but his body wasn't listening. He felt himself slipping into the darkness; his body grew heaver and heaver until he finally hit the ground, the coffee spilling onto the pavement. He tried to fight off the darkness that was trying to consume him but to no avail. It swept over him, taking him into the endless blackness.

SNSNSNSN

Bobby sat in the seat a few feet from Sam's bed, not game to venture to close. Sam seemed to shy away from anyone who wasn't Dean, though he still flinched when Dean touched him. Bobby could see the hurt in Dean's eyes every time Sam flinched or pulled away. The elder brother was just as broken as Sam. But Bobby kept telling himself that Dean would be ok and Sam would be too, Dean would fix this, he'd fix Sam. Then why did Bobby have a feeling that he'd never see the two Winchester boys happy again? Never see them feel safe or relaxed. Had Cole done more damage then what they could see? Had he destroyed both Sam and Dean?

Bobby didn't want to believe it. He couldn't bear to think of Sam and Dean suffering anymore then they already had. He wouldn't let them fall apart any farther, he'd help. He'd fix Dean so he could fix Sam. Then everything would be ok again, wouldn't it? Bobby didn't have any more time to think as at that moment Sam started to wake up. He looked around the room with unfocused eyes, searching for his brother.

Bobby rose to his feet and took a few tentative steps towards the broken young man. He paused a few feet from the bed; afraid he would only frighten him more. His head rolled to the side and his eyes met Bobby's. A small smile graced his pale and bruised face, but sadness shone in his eyes. He looked past Bobby, searching the room for Dean. He was nowhere to be seen.

'_Because he doesn't love you'_ Sam found himself saying. The tears welled up in his eyes and fought them back, swallowing hard. He felt a hand being placed on his forehead and he flinched, not excepting the touch. He then remembered that it was just Bobby, his trustful friend. He looked up at the older man; he could see tears glistening in his eyes.

"Dean just getting some coffee kid" he said as though he knew what Sam had been thinking "he'll be back soon."

Sam gave a stiff nod the shut his eyes and with his one good hand he reached and placed it on Tristan. He stroked the fur with small movements of his hand, moving was such a large task. He waited another few minutes, lying perfectly still, afraid to move. He heard the sound of the door opening and his eyes shot open, hoping it was Dean. But it was not. It was Doctor Markovic, who wore a rather anxious expression.

"Can I please have a word Bobby?" he asked, his tone rushed.

"Sure" he said bleakly then turned to face Sam "I'll just be a moment Kiddo."

Sam gave a curt nod.

Bobby ruffled his hair gently then followed the Doctor out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him. He turned to face Evan, whose expression seemed more anxious then just a moment ago. "What's wrong?" he asked, his heart starting to race "did something come back in Sam's blood test?"

Evan shook his head, "No Sam's test aren't back yet" he said calmly but his face betrayed concern "Its Dean."

"What happened?" Bobby exclaimed "is he ok?"

"He's fine at the moment but one of the hospital staff found him unconscious out the front" he saw Bobby's expression change to panic "But he is fine, its just from lack of sleep and stress," he paused for a moment "But I do suggest Dean take it easy and have plenty of sleep and drink lots of water, now I'll be making sure to tell him this but I need you to push him into resting… I know with Sam he will be reluctant but he needs rest otherwise he won't be able to take care of him."

"I will do my best," he said grimly "where is he?"

"Down the hall in room 15" he replied "but he's still asleep so we should let him rest for now."

"Ok" Bobby gave a stiff nod "I'll go sit with Sam."

Bobby walked into Sam's room and gently shut the door. Watching Sam the entire time he noticed Sam's expectant look fall to that of reassignment, God knows the kid had been through a lot, and now this. Bobby took the seat and tried to get Sam's attention. "Hey Kiddo, I know you're waiting for Dean but-" Bobby started explaining when he was interrupted by Sam's sobs.

"He isn't coming back, is he?" Sam cried turning away from the older man.

"Hush now Sam, your brother loves you and he isn't gonna leave ya, the doctors found him outside the hospital, he collapsed from exhaustion," Bobby calmly explained.

"Dean's hurt? He's hurt because of me isn't he?!" Sam cried, his sobs becoming louder.

"No Sam, no!" Bobby said trying to calm the youngest Winchester down. "He is just tired and hasn't been taking good care of himself, he is in another room now though, he is ok," Bobby said thinking that would calm Sam down."

"Stop making excuses for him, he's gone! Isn't he?! He left me; I knew I was bad, always bad…" Sam exclaimed then began muttering to himself. Bobby was shocked and at a loss for what to do. Sam was beyond distressed. Thinking fast Bobby muttered some soothing words to the anxious Winchester and went off in search of Dr Markovic, who was also looking after Dean.

"Doctor, can I have a word?" Bobby asked when they collided.

"Of course," He replied leading him to a quiet corner.

"Sam is getting all worked up Evan, he thinks Dean left him or something, and I don't know what to do." Bobby sighed.

"Well we could sedate him, it would give him time to calm down and rest, some good sleep is probably what he needs," He suggested.

"No, I don't think Dean would want that, I think Sam just needs to see Dean, and I'm almost positive that Dean will be the same when he wakes, he wont want to be away from Sam," Bobby said thinking.

"Well, Sam's room is large enough, I could see about getting Dean moved in there with him," Doctor Markovic said.

"That would work," Bobby agreed.

Both men nodded and parted ways, Bobby back to Sam's room, and Dr Markovic to see the Chief.

**SNSNSNSN**

Dean felt like he was floating. Floating through a long dark tunnel. It was so peaceful, relaxing and safe. He was in a world where there were no demons, no dangerous and a sick twisted maniac hadn't hurt Sam. It was a safe place, a serene place. But he felt himself being pulled away from it, being thrust back into the real world, back to his living nightmare. Part of him wanted to stay and not leave, it was nice here, he and Sam were safe. But back in the real world Sam wasn't safe, he was in danger, he was hurt and he needed Dean to look after him. So without hesitation Dean pulled his way out from the serene environment and back into the real world.

His eyes fluttered open, blinking a few times to get used to the light. Something wasn't right. He slowly sat up, his body aching in protest from the effort but he forced himself into a sitting position. He looked around the plain white room; taking in what little was in it. His clothes lay neatly folded on a chair a few feet from the bed and a pretty nurse stood at the end of the bed reading his chart.

On a normal circumstances Dean would have flirted with the brunette but right now that was the last thing on his mind. He had to get up and go make sure Sammy was ok. He went to get out of the bed when the nurse placed a firm hand on his shoulder. He looked up to meet her hazel eyes. She offered him a small smile then stepped back.

"Sorry but Doctor Markovic ordered that you stay in bed and rest" she said sweetly "he will be back in a few."

"No I have to go see Sam" he hissed, coming across a little frightening "Please" he said lowering his voice to a softer tone.

"Sorry Mr Miller" she said a little harsher then before "You have to stay in bed and rest" she emphasised.

"But my brothers hurt and I need to see him" Dean said, rising to his feet.

"Please sit back down," she said impatiently.

"Look lady" he said, towering over her "I really need to see my brother."

The nurse seemed to be frightened and took a step back but she wasn't letting him leave the room. She went to speak when the door opened and Dr Markovic walked in.

"Doc I gotta see Sam" Dean said the second the Doctor entered the room "Please."

"Dean you need to rest" he said in a calm tone "But I will let you go see Sam."

"Well about time" he muttered under his breath and walked past the nurse to get his clothes when the doctor stopped him. "Can I go or not?" his tone was cold and he didn't mean for it to sound that way but when Sam was concerned no one else mattered.

"I have to stress on you that its very, _very _important that you rest, ok and drink lots of water and eat regularly" he said firmly, making sure Dean got everything he was saying.

"Gotcha, eat, drink, and rest" he said with sarcasm then took his clothes from the chair and headed to the bathroom to get changed.

"Dean _please_" Evan said stopping the younger man before he could enter the room "If you get sick no one will be there for Sam." It was harsh and he knew it but Dean needed to know that he had to take care of himself as well as Sam.

"Ok" he said not bothering to turn around "I'll check on Sammy then rest" he then entered the bathroom, shutting the door roughly behind him.

A few minutes later Dean emerged, the pretty nurse and Evan were no longer there but in their place was Bobby. Dean stopped a foot away from him, his eyes shining with anger. "What?"

"Calm down Dean" Bobby ordered, "I just came to tell ya that Evan is lettin' ya stay in the same room as Sam, so you can rest and be with him."

"Oh" he sighed heavily, he felt like someone had taken a load off his shoulders.

"Come on Kid" Bobby said waving him out of the room "Sam needs ya."

Dean nodded then was out of the room in a heartbeat. He reached Sam's room in a matter of seconds and found his baby brother curled up on his side sobbing softly and mumbling incoherent words. Dean moved around the bed and sat down next to his broken brother. He placed a hand on his brother arm but he flinched and sobbed louder. Dean offered soft words of comfort and stroked his brother's messy and dirty hair away from his face.

"Please… no more" he sobbed.

"Shhh" he soothed "Sammy" Sam seemed to flinch at the word as more tears fell "Sam" his voice broke as he spoke "It's me, its big brother, you're safe now."

"No, no, no, no" he cried, his body shaking from the sobs "Dean doesn't love me."

Dean went rigid and his heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces. Tears treated to spill but he forced them back. It was Cole's fault that Sam thought he didn't love him and he would just have to prove to Sam that Cole was wrong. "Sammy" _flinch. _"Sam, I love you," he said stroking his hair softly "you're my baby brother, I love you Sam."

Sam's sobs softened somewhat but he still sobbed, "No… don't lie to me… Cole said Dean hates me, he hates me, he hates me."

"Sam" Dean said his voice rising high and frightening his baby brother. "Damnit" he cursed then lowered himself, so he was half lying over the younger man "Sam, Cole is dead, he lied to you, ok. I do love you" he pressed a soft kiss to Sam's check "Baby, come on… you know I love you."

Sam relaxed and the sobs subsided, he looked up at his big brother who was still stroking his hair. "I…I'm sorry" he sniffled.

"Shhh, don't be."

"I missed you" he said drifting back to sleep "thought I'd never see you again."

Dean hugged Sam close to him "I missed you too baby, but your safe now, I'm here, your safe."

Sam listened to Dean's steady stream of words and soon he was lulled to sleep. Feeling safe in his big brother's arms.

SNSNSNSN

Dean woke up a few hours later, the sun was setting in the distance and the room was illuminated in a bright orange glow. He was lying next to his brother who was still sound asleep. He caressed his brother's face softly and ran his hand down his arm until he entwined his fingers with Sam's. He needed to feel Sam, to know he was really back and that he was safe. He felt Sam squeeze back then his beautiful hazel eyes fluttered open. But they won't the bright colour Dean remembered. They were grey and lifeless, like staring into an empty shell.

Dean felt tears sting his eyes but he forced them back, he had to stay strong for Sam. He felt Sam untwine their hands and pull back ever so slightly. Dean felt his heart breaking, or maybe it was just disappearing because he was pretty sure it was already broken. Sam looked down and withdrew into himself. Dean could see the silent tears running down his face and he went to wipe them away when Sam pulled back, stiffening a cry.

_God what's happened? _He asked himself. Sam had let Dean near him earlier and last night, why the sudden change? He watched as Sam's face crumbled in pain and he cried out softly. Dean automatically panicked; he reached out for his frightened brother, offering soothing words to the younger man. Sam didn't pull away from Dean, he only cried softly.

"Sammy" Dean wailed, "What's wrong? What hurts?"

"Everything" he sobbed.

"Shhh" Dean soothed "I'll get Evan, ok" he pushed the button above Sam's bed then turned back to his baby brother, who was crying in pain "Its alright Sammy" Dean said brushing his hair back and smoothing it down in places "shhhh, just breath through it" he reached for Sam's left hand but he pulled it away. Dean winced but continued to calm his brother.

Finally the door opened and Doctor Markovic walked in. Dean got up from Sam's bed and turned to face their trusted doctor. From the look on Dean and Sam's faces Evan already knew the problem. He walked around the bed and told Sam in a soothing voice what he was going to do. Sam nodded and looked away as the Doctor injected him with a needle. It was all done in a matter of seconds and he turned to face Dean, leading him away from Sam.

"How's he doing?" Dean asked, voice shaking slightly.

"Well from the looks of everything I'd say he healing quiet well, physically at least" he confirmed, "His hand will be causing him a lot of pain for quit some time though."

Dean nodded solemnly.

"I'd say he'd need a few operations on it" Evan said composed "maybe he'll have his first one in about a week."

Dean clenched his jaw, not in anger but in the fear that he'd let out a sob "Ok…" he squeaked out, still trying to keep on his brave face.

"Dean it's ok to be upset about all of this" he said placing a hand on his shoulder and giving it a squeeze "You've been through a lot too."

Dean pulled away from the soft touch "Will people stop treating me like I'm the victim in all of this?" he said brusquely "Sam is the one that has been through hell and I've just sat on the sidelines and watched as my baby brother was used and abused by some sick fuck of a spirit then if that wasn't enough he came back and went for round two! So don't! _Don't_ for a minute treat me like I'm the one who's been raped."

"Dean" Sam sobbed from the bed.

Dean left the Doctor's side and went to his brother's aid "hey" he said running his fingers through Sam's dirty hair "you ok?"

"Bath."

"Bath" Dean repeated then turned to look at Evan "Can he have one?"

"Not yet" he said "But he can have a sponge bath."

"How's that sound?" Dean asked turning back to face his broken brother.

"Only if you do it," Sam croaked out.

Dean looked back to face Evan who gave a nod in approval "Yeah I will do that for you kiddo."

"I'll get you what you need" Evan said then left.

Dean sat down next to Sam and once again tried to take his hand but he pulled it away. Tears formed in his eyes and he blinked them back, not wanting to cry anymore. He didn't want Dean to think he was weak. Though he probably already did and just wasn't saying anything about it. He heard the door opening again and he turned to see Evan. A bath was what he really wanted but this would have to do.

Evan handed Dean the towel then headed to the bathroom to fill up the small bowel before returning and placing it on the table. He placed the cloth down beside it, explained how to wash around the tubes and then excused himself from the room to give the boys some privacy. Dean gave Sam a soft but feeble smile, which Sam returned. Dean turned around and wet the sponge. He placed the warm cloth to Sam's skin and he saw Sam flinch and start to shake.

"Hey… shhh" Dean said in a soothing tone "It's just me, your safe, I'm here." He said keeping up the gentle stream of reassurances.

Sam gave a stiff nod but his body stayed tense.

Dean gently ran the cloth over Sam's chest, making him feel slightly more human. As he continued to bathe his brother he felt Sam relax under him and he did too. His hands stopped shaking and for that short moment everything felt ok, he felt human and he knew Sammy did too. It however was ripped away when Dean went to remove Sam's pants.

Sam immediately started to tremor and plea for him not to hurt him. Dean offered soothing words to his brother trying to calm the shaking mess he had turned into. He pressed a soft kiss to his forehead and whispered words into his ear, telling him he was safe, that he wouldn't be hurt again. Sam did relax but only every so slightly.

Dean continued to murmur incoherent words as he removed Sam's hospital pants. Sam whimpered once he was exposed, a single tear running down his cheek the exact same time as Dean. He washed his legs quickly, wanting to cover Sam back up and keep him warm. He hesitated when he moved to the tops of Sam's legs.

"It's ok" Dean said softly "It's just me" he quickly finished his job, his hands shaking the whole way. Finally he had Sam dressed again and they both sat on the bed, Sam's head resting on Dean's shoulder.

"Dean" Sam spoke his voice breaking the silence.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"For what?" he asked shifting so he could face Sam.

"Always being here for me."

A small smile graced Dean's face and at the moment he knew Sam would be ok. It wouldn't be for a while but he would somehow, someday, he'd be himself again.

_**TBC**_

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	8. Chapter 7 Silent Tears

**Chapter seven: Silent Tears**

Dean paced back and forth along the corridor of Forks Hospital. It had now been a week since he found Sam beaten and broken at the hands of a mad man. It had been one long nightmare for Dean. He'd watched his brother as he cried in anger and in sorrow, he watched as his brother broke and nearly disappeared, he watched as his life was destroyed. Seeing Sam for the first time after the month they were separated was heart breaking but the following events had been gut wrenching. He'd sat with Sam one afternoon and for the moment he thought that maybe, someday; somehow, Sam would be ok. He thought he saw a light at the end of the tunnel. But the next day that changed.

Sam was withdrawn. A complete mess was the best way to describe it; a broken mess. He wouldn't talk or look at anyone, he just stayed curled up in a little ball, sobbing. Dean had nearly died, he had died. He'd run from the room, blinded by tears. He ran to the Impala, his second baby, and just drove. Three days later he returned, still to find Sam just as broken as before, maybe more, he couldn't tell. He'd walked in to apologise to Sam when he found him crying and mumbling incoherently. When he'd moved closer to Sam, he'd found him mumbling the same words he'd spoken when he first arrived. '_Dean hates me, he doesn't want me, he hates me.' _

And Dean tried; he tried so hard to tell Sam that he loved him and didn't hate him. But he didn't listen; instead he went hysterical and had to be sedated. Dean had watched his brother sleep, he looked so peaceful, he looked untroubled. But the real troubles weren't over, no way, it wouldn't be right if they got though this without another bump. Clearly someone else wanted to screw with them some more, make their already miserable lives worse. The not so good news arrived just when Dean had finally gotten through to Sam, told him he was sorry that he'd freaked and ran.

Sam had forgiven him and once again Dean was sure that maybe, just _maybe_, Sam would be alright. Well he'd never, ever be perfect, but he would be ok. Right? Well clearly he was wrong, so very, _very_ wrong. The news that their trusted Doctor Evan Markovic brought crushed everything. All hopes gone in one brief moment, their lives shattered, destroyed, ruined.

'Sam you're bloods are back' Evan had said, his face tense and his hands wrapped tightly around the clipboard. 'I'm afraid your STD test has come back positive.' Dean didn't hear the rest; all he heard was the Doctors words ringing in his ear. Playing over and over again, just like a broken record player. The words had become jumbled together until it was a loud ringing in his ear; his vision became blurred, his surroundings becoming a mass of colours. But one thing remained, his brother. He could hear him cry, he could feel his body shaking and he could see his heart breaking.

He pulled Sam into his arms and pressed his face into his chest. Dean buried his face in Sam's hair and let the tears flow freely, soaking his baby brother's hair as Sam's tears soaked his shirt. Dean and Sam seemed to cry for hours, letting out all the sorrow, all the pain, all the fear and all the anger. Dean had his arms thrown around Sam, hugging him tightly, too afraid to let go. He wanted to keep Sam where he was for the rest of his life; he wanted to keep him safe.

He wanted to make him human again.

He tried, he really did. But two days later and he wasn't sure he was human himself any more. The last few days were a complete blur. He hadn't yet left the hospital since Sam was given his STD results. He didn't know who or what was in charge of Sam's life but they must have been pure evil. They were happily destroying Sam, taking him piece by piece and laughing the whole way.

Dean speed up his pace, his legs started to burn but it was better then feeling his mental pain. Anything was better then that. So he walked up and down the corridor, waiting for Sam to come out from surgery. His hand was being operated on today. They were doing something but all he heard was that Sam would never use his hand again; it was just to make it look better. Kind of like washing an old car that had no engine, there was no point but at least it looked pretty.

Yeah someone really, _really_ twisted was watching over Sam.

"Dean…"

Dean stopped pacing and turned to face Evan, he looked tense, never a good sign. He walked to him, his hands stuffed in his pockets so he couldn't see them shaking. He tried to breath but breathing was hard these days. Every time he took a breath he felt like he was being stabbed. Like an ice blade was going through his heart, well what was left of it.

"How'd it go?" he asked, voice quivering.

"It went better then I could have hoped," he said composed.

"There's a 'but' coming isn't there?" Dean could feel the all too familiar tears sting his eyes.

"Yes" he sighed "Dean… I hate to say this but Sam will never be able to use his hand again" he seemed to be straining with the words, knowing how much this news would shatter both the brothers' lives.

"So… so" Dean couldn't find words, he was to busy fighting back tears. "So there's no hope?"

"Dean I'm sorry," he said "but it's just not possible…"

"Ok" Dean choked out "ok…"

"Sam should be awake soon," he said looking at his watch "Tristan is sitting with him, he's a great dog, he'll help Sam a lot."

"Yeah… he is" Dean said then walked past the Doctor and headed to Sam's room. He seemed to be dragging himself towards his destination, not sure of what he'd see. He paused out side of the room, his heart pounding in his ears. He wanted to fall apart he wanted to run and scream 'why god, why?' but he had to hold it together, be strong. He owed Sam that much.

He pushed open the door and crossed the threshold. The late afternoon sun illuminated the small room, showering it in an orange glow. He looked at the hospital bed, where his brother lay. He looked at peace in his sleep. He moved towards him and sat down on the bed, running his trembling fingers through Sam's unruly hair. He looked down towards the end of the bed and smiled at the sleeping dog, he was so loyal to Sam.

He ruffled the dogs fur then turned back to face Sam, who was now waking up. Dean chewed at his bottom lip as Sam came too. He was restless and scared when he awoke, forgetting where he was most of the times. This time he seemed calm, most likely from the heavy painkillers. Dean whispered soft words as he came round, assuring him that he was safe.

"I love you Dean" were the first and last words Sam spoke before drifting back to sleep.

SNSNSNSN

The next day came fast. Dean had fallen asleep with Sam and woken up beside him, somehow they managed to fit on the small bed. Maybe that's because Sam was just a frail body these days. He'd lost a lot of weight and so much more. Now it was up to Dean to put Sam back together, to protect him and make sure he was never hurt again.

He felt Sam snuggle closer to him, seeking the security that Dean gave him. He loved having Dean with him, he needed him with him. But that's all he wanted, just his company, no words, just tears. He wasn't ready to talk yet but when the time came he would turn to Dean. He'd turn to Dean and let his walls crumble and be put back together by the loving hands that belonged to his big brother.

But he wasn't ready to talk.

He wasn't ready to admit what had happened to him.

Not yet.

"Hey Sammy" Dean spoke ever so gently.

Sam flinched but looked up "Yeah?"

"I really need a cup of coffee and you've been cooped up for far too long," he said looking down, playing with the sheets "so I thought I could take you outside?"

To a normal person that question was nothing, but to Sam, it was frightening. The outside world was dangerous and the people in it hurt him. But he didn't want to be a way from Dean, not for one moment. After what felt like hours but was only minutes he looked up to meet Dean's eyes, they were shinning with love and trust. "Ok…" he said feebly "I will."

SNSNSNSN

The warm sun felt nice on Sam's skin, it was soothing. He felt like it was somehow washing away some of the dirt but not enough, he still felt dirty, _used_. He and Dean sat in a secluded part of the hospital gardens, away from judging eyes. Sam felt like when people looked at him they knew, they knew his secret. He could see disapproval and disappointment in their eyes. He could see them staring at him like he was worthless, like he was a burden and a waste of space. But that's how he felt…

_Useless._

Pathetic even.

Hell, he was a Winchester and he'd gotten kidnapped and been tortured and… no that was it, nothing else happened. A mad man had tortured him and no more. He'd taken him away from Dean but now he was safe, right? Dean said he was, said he wouldn't let anyone hurt him again. But he said that last year after Cole… after Cole _hurt_ him. He'd been hurt again, Dean had promised that he wouldn't be hurt but he broke his promise. But who was Sam to blame Dean for what had happened to him, he was the weak one.

He didn't deserve Dean. He'd let him down; he'd let everyone down. He'd tried to be strong, he tried to be what they wanted but he failed. He let himself be captured by Cole; he deserved what had happened to him. He was weak and pathetic and he needed to know that. But it didn't make it any easy, it still hurt, the memories still taunted him.

He could still hear Cole. Still feel him touching him. He could feel him… no! Nothing else happened. He was getting this confused with last year, last year something else happened, but it didn't happen this time. No. Dean said it would never happen again and if Dean said so then it didn't, it didn't happen. Right?

He felt something heavy on his lap and looked down to see Tristan, his paws on Sam's knees and his face a few inches from his. He licked Sam's cheek playfully, telling him in his own way that he loved him. Sam stared into his brown eyes and a halfhearted smile graced his face, it was barely noticeable but Dean saw it and he mirrored the smile.

"You hungry?" he asked handing him the cardboard cup that was half full of hot chips.

Sam looked at Dean then tentatively took a chip, his hand trembling. Dean slowly reached over and wrapped his hand around Sam's trembling one. Sam quickly jerked it back, his eyes darting to the ground. He could see the hurt look in Dean's eyes and he felt guilty about it, he did. But he didn't want anyone touching his hand.

"Sorry" Dean mumbled.

Sam could hear the pain in Dean's voice and he forced himself to look at him again "I… Please" he couldn't find the right words to use; hell he couldn't even seem to find his voice "Just… please."

Dean looked at Sam, a confused expression on his face "What Sammy?"

_Flinch._

"Why can't I call you Sammy?" he found himself asking. He was sure Sam had told him why but he couldn't remember.

"Can't…" tears welled up in his eyes blurring his vision "Cole called me Sammy… don't wanna be called Sammy anymore."

"Ok" Dean said his voice composed but his heart was aching "I won't call you that, ok."

"Ok" was Sam's reply.

"Do you wanna go back inside?"

"No" he placed his good hand on Tristan's head and started to ruffle his fur "I like it here."

"Ok" Dean said feeling like he was stuck on repeat, but what else was he supposed to say.

"When can I go home?" Sam asked, not looking up.

"In a few days" Dean replied "we're going to go stay with Bobby. Evan's going to transfer himself to the hospital there in case you need to see him again and for check ups. There's also a burn specialist… so you'll have to see him quiet a bit, your hand still needs some work done to it. So maybe you can use it again." The last part was a lie, Dean knew Sam would never be able to use his hand again but maybe if he thought he could he'd feel a lot better.

"I can't use it Dean" Sam said tersely "There's no way, I can't even feel it properly."

"Come on Sam… there might…" damnit, words seemed so hard to use these days "maybe one day… I mean you never know… maybe" Dean's vision became clouded by tears and he quickly wiped them away. He wanted to say something else to Sam, to make him feel better. But there were no words left to say.

Just more tears…

SNSNSNSN

Two days later and it was time to leave. Sam was well enough, physically, to leave. Evan had said he'd heal a lot quicker once he was home. Said somewhere safe and familiar would make it easier to move on. Dean didn't really know if Sam would be able to _move on_, he wasn't sure _he_ could move on. He'd changed so much in the last month; he was no longer the cocky joker. He was a broken man… a wounder solider. He was not the same Dean anymore. He once would have said 'I don't cry' but he'd changed. He cried, he cried a lot these days.

But it was either cry or go completely mental and run around screaming 'why, why, why' and that was not an option. Because if he lost it who would take care of Sam? Who'd make him whole again? So with everything he had he held himself together. He was sure he'd need some glue soon. But today he felt a little a better, because he could see that Sam felt a little better too.

As he helped him into the Impala he felt a smile creep onto his face. Things were getting better, not much better, but better then before. Dean slid behind the wheel and started the engine; her purr was music to his ears. He put in one of his favourite tapes and drove off, trailing Bobby. It would be a long drive to Bobby's but it didn't matter. He just wanted to leave Forks and never return.

He gave a quick glance at his brother, he looked pale and terrified. Dean chewed his bottom lip, searching for words. He never knew what to say any more, he was afraid that he say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. When Sam started to tremble he knew he had to do something, his brother was hurting and when Sam hurt so did Dean.

"Shhh" he said reaching an arm out and placing it gently, so gently, on his shoulder "You're safe."

Sam looked over at Dean. His eyes glistened with unshed tears; he chewed at his bottom lip just like Dean.

"You're safe Sam" he said composed "I'm here, so's Tristan."

Sam felt the comforting lick to his face and he turned to face his loyal pet. The one who helped saved him. He then looked back at Dean and scooted over, nestling into Dean's side. Dean wrapped his arm around his baby brother and pressed a kiss to his messy brown hair. Sam may have not said a lot these days but Dean didn't need words to know that Sam needed him. Needed him to be near him.

Tristan jumped onto the sit next to Sam and rested his head on his lap. A small smile graced Sam's pale face and Dean once again mirrored it, this time his was a little brighter. Because he knew that eventually, both, himself and Sam would feel human again. It wouldn't be for a while; no it would take time, a lot of time. But one day they would be.

And this would just be a memory.

A distant memory…

_**TBC**_

**Well its time to review again :P If I get 3 reviews by tomorrow I will update the following day, promise :D anyway hope you enjoy the chapter, I really enjoyed writing it :P**


	9. Chapter 8 Fix You

**Everybody thanks so much for the reviews :D they mean so much to me!! Also Sam has**** Syphilis it's been written in later chapters but I thought I'd answer your questions :) **

**Chapter eight: Fix You**

Dean watched Sam sleep, the full moon the only source of light. It was the middle of the night and Dean couldn't sleep, he'd tried but sleep never came. He was left tossing and turning. Finally he had enough and sat up, now he just sat and watched. He wished he was asleep it had been a long day; they'd left Forks this morning and arrived at Bobby's around noon. Dean was so tired; he'd driven all day while comforting his broken brother. Sam seemed to be a trembling mess the whole way but once they arrived he seemed to relax.

Dean felt more up tight then he had in the last week. Being here filled him with all to familiar memories, memories he'd rather forget. Yet here they were living the same nightmare, only it seemed a lot worse, a _whole _lotworse. Dean swallowed hard and fought back tears, he felt like that was all he did these days. Cry.

He just really needed to talk to someone, because he barely talked anymore. No one really talked, it was just a few words here and there and it was making him insane. He wanted, he _need_ to talk to someone. Have a proper conversation. Talk about the weather or sports hell even hunting would be better then the silence. But most of all he wanted to have a conversation with Sam, to ask him how he was and just talk to him. He'd been without Sam for a month and he had missed him and now he just wanted to talk.

Was that too much to ask?

Well clearly it was.

Sam didn't really talk. He just said a few words every now and then and that was it, the rest of the time he would be sleeping, staring off into space or crying. Of course whenever that happened Dean would pull Sam into his arms and tell him everything would be ok, that he was safe. He said those words so much these days. He really felt like he was stuck on repeat.

Dean sighed then rose to his feet and walked out of the small room, shutting the door softly behind him. He walked through the house and to the front, he stepped out into the cool night air. He sat down on the steps and looked up at the night sky, the wind brushed over his skin and a chill ran down his spine and the feeling reminded him that he was human. That he felt other things, not just pain and sorrow, which was all he felt these days.

He heard the door squeak behind him and he turned around to face Bobby. He gave him a halfhearted smile before taking a seat next to him. Dean gave him a sideways glance then looked down at his hands. He wanted to talk to someone and Bobby was right here, he'd talk to him. So why couldn't he find words. They seemed to escape him every time he tried to talk.

"How?" finally he spoke.

Bobby turned to face the younger man; he could see the anguish in his eyes. "I don't know how Dean" he said, fully aware of what he meant "but I know you can" he placed a hand on his shoulder and forced him to look up at him "You mean the world to Sam and I know you can bring him back from the this, you just have to believe you can."

"I… I can't," he said, voice quavering "I'm so broken myself and I'm trying… I am… but this is different… I don't know what to do, what to say! I feel useless, I just keep saying the same thing and I hope… God I hope he gets better. That he can move past this and that one day everything will be ok" tears started to snake a path down his cheek and his body shook from repressed sobs "I want him to get better, I do, God I do, but I can't help him this time. I just feel so guilty about all of this that I feel like I don't deserve to make him better. He deserver's so much more" Dean broke out into a sob. He buried his head in his hands and cried.

He wanted to talk. He wanted to tell someone how he felt and now he had. Now he was just letting go, tears replaced the rest of his rant. He felt like crying was the only thing he could do right these days. He was such a screw up; he'd stuffed up Sam's life. If only he had remembered. If he had just let Sam explain why he was upset then he never would have fought with him and this, _this_ would have never happened.

"Fuck, Bobby" he said through sobs "I've fucked up so fucking bad!"

"God Damnit Dean!" Bobby said firmly "You haven't fucked up!" Dean's head shot up and he looked up at the man that was his second father "how were you to know Dean? How were any of us supposed to know?" his voice was composed but Dean could see tears in eyes "we couldn't have known. You have to stop blaming yourself, its not your fault" Dean went to talk but Bobby silenced him with a wave of his hand "No buts Dean! You have to understand that this is not your fault, its no ones. And I know you're hurting, I'm hurting too but we have to do what's best for Sam and you feeling guilty as hell isn't helping any. Now I love you kid and so does Sam but he needs you to help him and you're going to have to stop with the guilt trips and pull yourself together" he paused for a moment, watching as realisation hit Dean "You're the only person who can help him Dean" he added for emphasise.

Dean looked away then looked back at Bobby "how can I ever forgive myself?"

"There's nothing to forgive" Bobby said leaning in "you did nothing wrong."

Dean gave a small unconvincing nod but deep down a small part of him believed Bobby. A small part said 'its not your fault'. He looked up and embraced the older man in a quick hug, needing his own security. He then stood up and gave him a tired smile before disappearing into the house. He climbed back into bed and rolled over to face Sam, he was still sound asleep.

Bobby's words rang in his ears and he knew that he was the only person who could save Sam. He was the only person that could make Sam feel human again. It was his mission. At the moment it felt like mission impossible but maybe in the morning it wouldn't feel so hard. Maybe, just maybe after he forgave himself he could start to heal Sam. Because the broken couldn't heal the broken but once he was fixed he'd fix Sam.

Then maybe everything would be ok.

SNSNSNSN

The next morning found Sam and Dean sitting at the kitchen table in silence. Dean kept glancing over at Sam every now and then. He was pushing the food around his plate with his fork. Dean wanted to talk to him, to tell him to eat, that he needed to but he stayed silent. Damnit why was this so hard? He took a mouthful of food then sat his fork back down. He gave Sam another glance; just making sure he was still there. He watched as Sam finally ate something before sitting his fork aside.

Dean went to reach out to him. To place his hand on Sam's good one but every time he tried to he'd pull away. Dean figured it had something to do with the fact that his other hand was now useless, for lack of better words. Dean had to bit his lips and keep from letting out a sob. How were they meant to go back to they were if nothing would ever be the same.

Evan had said just try and slowly return to your old life. '_Well how the fuck can we do that doc' _Dean thought bitterly '_how are we meant to just go back to the way we were if we can't!' _Dean had thought about this, he'd thought about it a lot. How were they meant to hunt? Sam couldn't shot a gun, he wouldn't be able to hold his own in a fight. That brought up another question, would Sam even want to hunt again?

'_No' _a little voice in Dean's head snapped '_Sam will be ok, he just needs time.' _Dean knew it was true, that Sam would someday be ok, but he was far from ok now. Then again it was up to Dean to make him ok again, to make him feel better. So why couldn't Dean do it this time? Why couldn't he just pull his shit together and help Sam heal.

Why was he acting like the victim in all this? He wasn't the one that was held captive by a sick lunatic, he wasn't the one who was tortured and raped. Yet he was acting like it. He was being selfish. He should be trying to make Sam better not wallowing in self-pity. He wanted to make Sam better, make him happy. Damnit he had tried but he was so lost, so _broken_ that he didn't know what to do. Well it was time he stopped all of this and helped Sam. He owed him that and so much more.

"So" he said nervously, God damnit why couldn't he find the right words anymore. "Maybe… we should… go… maybe-"

"-What Dean is trying to say Sam is that maybe you and Dean should take Tristan for a walk" Bobby quickly jumped into the conversation "it's a nice day and I think he'd like it after being cooped up in the hospital for a week." He looked at Sam who was still staring down at his plate "it'll do you good to Sam."

Sam looked up "Ok… if you say so."

"Great" Dean said with what was suppose to be enthusiasm "It's always nice this time of the year."

To Dean the whole conversation felt phoney, forced even. It was like they were talking to a mental person, using small words so he understood what they were saying. But they were not talking to a mentally challenged person; they were talking to Sam, who by the way wasn't mantel, just broken. Beautiful broken.

"I'm gonna have a shower" Sam said then stood up.

"Do you need a hand" Dean asked and how stupid did that sound. '_Do you need a hand' _he repeated to himself _'yeah he does need a fucking hand but he can't get one.'_

"I'm fine" he said morosely then departed from the room.

"Fuck!" Dean cursed.

"He didn't take it that way Dean" Bobby said calmly, know the exact reason for Dean's out burst.

"Yeah sure he didn't!" Dean stood then left without out another word, because words just never came and when they did they fucked everything right up.

SNSNSNSN

Sam climbed the stairs slowly; he entered the bathroom and locked the door shucking all his clothing. Purposely not facing the mirror at any time. He turned the knobs of the shower and waited until the water was scorching hot, steam already rising and fogging the room, and entered the stall. Grabbing the washcloth he rubbed some soap in and started scrubbing his body, it hurt running over all his wounds, but that was the way he wanted it.

Tears slowly made their way down Sam's face, mixing in with the running shower water, he didn't deserve any of it, the kindness anyone was showing him, he didn't deserve to feel normal again, he was meant to be punished. Cole said so. He heaved a sigh and let out a large sob as he looked down at his limp hand. He was useless just like his hand.

His body slowly crumpled in on itself, sobs no longer kept in check, he slid down to the shower floor, hand cradled in his lap. His back was stinging from the heat of the water, his front from the scrubbing, his whole body pink from the heat, all of it looking like the burns on his hand. Sam didn't realise how long he had sat in the shower, but Dean did. Ten minutes had passed, then twenty, forty, then over an hour had gone by with no sign of Sam. He took the stairs two at a time and tried the door. Locked.

"Sam? Sam, come on Kiddo! Open up!" He yelled banging on the door. When no response came Dean sent a silent apology to Bobby and kicked at the door, two kicks and he was in.

Steam clouded the room, blowing out of the now open door, making it hard for Dean to see anything. But he could hear Sam crying, could hear Sam's pain. "It's ok Sam, I'm here," he said trying to stay positive. Dean moved the shower curtain back and was shocked at the sight that greeted him. Without another moments thought Dean climbed into the stall and sat down behind his baby brother ignoring the water as it cascaded down around them.

Time went passed without concern, the hot water slowly turning cold, but neither brother noticed as they stayed crumpled down on the floor together, holding each other, and letting the tears freely fall. This wasn't just a release for Sam, Dean needed it too.

"It's ok, we will be ok," Dean kept mumbling, both to Sam and himself.

At some point Bobby entered the bathroom and shut the water off, not even blinking at the sight before him, he grabbed two towels and passed them to Dean as he helped the brothers stand. Dean wrapped the towel around himself then carefully around Sam, drying his brother's body with care. Slowly the two brothers were lead back to their shared room where Sam was helped into some clothes while Dean was able to change into some dry ones.

The two Winchesters were still in a daze as Bobby helped Sam into his bed and then moved Dean to lie next to him but above the covers. "Rest boys," Bobby said closing the door behind him.

Dean rolled over to face Sam, who was looking away, his eyes unfocused. Dean sat up, leaning on his elbow. He stared at Sam and he tried to find the right words, he _really_ tired. He looked away then looked back, hoping that maybe Sam would talk first; that maybe once he spoke he could talk. But Sam never spoke, he stayed silent.

Dean started to chew his lip, a nervous habit he had picked up recently. He looked at Sam and he studied his facial expression, he stared out the window, watching the leaves sway in the wind. Dean then found himself watching the leaves too, but he forced himself to look back at Sam. This time Sam was looking at him, watching him through teary eyes.

That's when Dean found his voice, his strength. He couldn't watch Sam suffer any more; he had to talk to him. Had to get through to him, make him ok. Because he had to be ok again, right? He would be ok, he would. But he wouldn't be if Dean didn't talk and now was the time for him to step up and say the words Sam needed to hear.

"Sam" he started, he was sure the room was spinning, why was this so hard? "I know your hurting… I am too… but it will all be ok, I promise. It will get easier…" he paused to study Sam's face, tears were once again flowing down his cheeks "I want you to get better… I want to make you better… make sure you're ok."

Sam's eyes meet Dean's "I don't deserve you" he said feebly "I'm a burden to you… I deserved what Cole did to me… I'm a burden" the last part was muffled by a sob.

"Sammy no" Dean shouted, he didn't mean to but he'd scared Sam "I'm sorry" he quickly apologised, now desperately trying to find the right words "Sam please…" he was begging now, but he needed Sam to stop sobbing and listen to him. "Baby, please." Sam's sobs subsided and he looked up at Dean, he looked like a scared ten-year-old boy. "Sam you are not a burden to me ok, I love you. You have to listen to me Sam, you are not a burden to me" finally words found Dean and he could feel himself getting stronger "You are my world Sam, I couldn't live without you."

"But Cole said," Sam looked away, "said…"

"Sam, Cole lied!" Dean interrupted him "he was a sick fuck who tortured and raped you and you didn't deserve any of this and you are not a burden."

"NO!" Sam screamed, flying off the bed and crashing to the floor "no, no, no, no, no."

"Sam" Dean jumped up, panic lacing itself around him "Sam what's wrong?" Dean was trembling with fear, what did he say? What had happened? Why was Sam shying away from him, hiding in the corner like a scared animal.

"NO" he cried. "Not true" he said through ragged breaths "didn't happen… not this time, didn't happen, he didn't hurt me like that… it didn't HAPPEN!" Sam's eyes snapped open and he moved forwards, grabbing at Dean's shirt "Please… please… say it didn't happen again…" Tears followed down his cheeks and his breath came in pants "Please."

Dean blinked in confusion the he realised what Sam meant. He was in denial; he was denying the fact that he had been raped again. He was begging Dean for it to just be a lie. Oh God what was he going to say, what could he say? He could lie, tell Sam it didn't happen again and maybe, maybe he'd never remember that it did happen. He could save Sam from a whole word of pain. Oh God what was he to do.

"Please Dean…" Sam sounded so broken, _so lost_. The pleading look in his eyes made Dean want to lie, tell him it didn't happen. "Dean please… it didn't happen again… no it didn't" he shook his head in denial, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Sam…" Dean swallowed the dry lump in his throat "it…" oh God what was he to say. If he lied he'd make Sam a lot happier but if he told him the truth he'd be devastated. But he couldn't lie, he wanted to, hell he wanted to be able to lie to himself and say it didn't happen but it had. The truth was the only way out and God he wished, he wish so hard, that he didn't have to say this.

"Sam" he braced himself for the worst "It did happen… and I'm so sorry" tears clouded his vision "Sam you were raped again and I wish you weren't but you were and I'm sorry… so sorry."

"NO" Sam screamed "No" he buried his face in Dean's chest, crying, screaming for it to be a lie. "I don't wanna go through this again… please Dean… I don't wanna go through this…"

"I know," he said stroking Sam's hair softly "I know you don't and I'm sorry but it's the truth."

"Why?" Sam asked looking up to meet Dean's steady gaze.

"I don't know," he said softly "But it will be ok" and that wasn't a lie because Dean knew it would be ok, in the end.

Sam moved close to Dean, seeking his comfort "Don't leave me" he said in a mumbled voice.

Dean let a single tear drop before pressing a soft kiss to his brothers head "Never."

SNSNSNSN

The late afternoon sun seeped into Sam's skin as he and Dean walked through the forest that was Bobby's backyard. Sam soon found himself in the same place as last year, the picnic table was as he remembered and the stream was flowing. Sam felt like he was watching a flashback of last year, everything was so clear now. He was a fool to have believed it had just been a dream and he was never… never _hurt _like that. He knew it had happened last year, he remembered that but he forgot about it this time, blocking it out, locking it away.

He wanted this to be just be a dream, God how he wanted this to just be a dream. He wanted to wake up and find himself and Dean in a crummy motel room on another hunt. He wanted to wake up and be able to use his hand and not have the taunting memories of being tortured. God he wished this was just another nightmare.

But it wasn't.

He'd close his eyes and told himself that when he opened them everything would be ok, but it wasn't. No matter what, this was not a nightmare. It was real. It was his life. It had been shattered once more, he was left feeling dirty, _used _and broken. And he didn't know if he could be saved this time. He didn't know if there would be a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

But whenever he looked at Dean he could see something. Maybe it was hope he wasn't sure but he saw something. And a part of him, a small part of him said, you'll be ok. But right now he didn't believe it. It was just a distant echo.

He stopped and sat himself down on the table, God this was far too familiar. Tristan plopped down by his feet then he felt Dean's arm brush over his and he turned to face him. He was staring out at the river. Did he mention this was too familiar?

"Feels weird doesn't it" Dean spoke, his voice uneven "I never wanted this Sam" he turned to face Sam, tears making themselves none "I'm sorry, I never wanted this to happen."

"I know" Sam said and he was amazed at how strong his voice was "I don't blame you Dean, never did, never will."

"But I forgot" he said letting the tears spill "how could I forget?"

"Forget what Dean?" Sam's voice stayed strong.

"About the date!" he said looking away, to ashamed to look at him now, to afraid to see the hatred.

"I'm not mad Dean" Sam said firmly.

"Why aren't you?" Dean jumped to his feet and walked away from Sam, his hands curling into firsts "You should hate me Sam! You should yell and scream at me and say it's my fault."

"Dean… no" Sam jumped off the table and walked to his brothers side "I left Dean! I walked out that door, its my fault not yours."

Dean looked up at Sam, God he was tall "I should have followed you, I should have gone straight after you, I should have saved you" he turned around, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"Dean… please" Sam moved to stand before him, forcing him to look up "I don't blame you so please don't blame yourself."

Dean didn't look up "I can't Sam."

"Please Dean" he tentatively reached out his left hand and placed it in Dean's "I forgive you…"

Dean laced his fingers around Sam's and looked up a small smile on his face "I can try" and he meant it, he would try, he had to. For Sam.

"Good" Sam squeezed Dean's hand and a halfhearted smile graced his face "because I love you and I can't have you self loathing all the time."

At that Dean laughed, not a genuine laugh but a laugh at the least. "I love you too Kiddo"

**TBC **


	10. Chapter 9 Cry

**Chapter nine: Cry**

Dean lay awake, staring up at the ceiling, tracing every crack with his eyes. It was the middle of the night and sleep had yet to come. So he stayed staring at the ceiling, murmuring the lyrics to Metallica. When he'd song every song he moved on to counting the cracks in the ceiling, desperately trying to find sleep. He was tired as hell, he was, but sleep just wouldn't come. His back began to ache so he rolled over and faced his sleeping brother. God he looked so peaceful when he slept, if only he could be like that when he was awake.

But that was asking too much.

Dean just wished that this nightmare would end, hell he wished it never started. But it had. Now, _now _he had to help Sam through it, help him find the light, God he felt like he was telling himself that all the time. Get Sam better, make him feel human again, _fix_ him. He was trying, he really was, but it seemed so much harder then last time. It was so different to last time.

It was still the same in ways but different in so many others. Like when Sam pleaded, _begged_ Dean to tell him that he hadn't been raped again that it was a lie. And Dean wanted to lie, he wanted to lie so much, but what would that get him? Sure Sam might have been happier but in the end he would have remembered. But what if he hadn't? What if he could have moved on and never found out? Never had to go through the same pain again. That would have been so much easier, but it was a lie. Dean couldn't build Sam's happiness on a lie.

Part of him knew that Sam knowing the truth would make it easier for him to heal but another part had told him to lie. Now he was struggling with his earlier decision. Sam had been so broken at first, so confused. He'd cried for an hour straight, face buried in Dean's chest. Once his tears had dried he'd pulled back and looked at Dean with his puppy eyes and he was pleading, begging Dean for it to just be a joke. Dean had shaken his head and helped Sam back to his feet before he could break down again.

That's when they headed to 'their spot' as Dean called it. They'd sat there for the rest of the afternoon, just letting everything sink in. Trying to find the light, well Dean thought all they could find was darkness. But himself and Sam had talked, not about much but they talked. He remembered how he'd told Sam to yell at him, to hate, for letting this happen.

But Sam being Sam had told Dean it was not his fault and finally he reached out and Dean felt himself heal a little bit. He saw Sam heal a little bit and that was so much better.

So why couldn't he sleep? Why was he still counting the cracks in the ceiling? God he wished he knew. Well finally he got an answer to his question. Sam stared to toss and turn in the bed opposite him, moaning and begging. Dean sat up, ready to wake Sam if need be. He could hear Sam whispering something in incoherent. Then he spoke a little louder and Dean heard what he said, oh he heard it all right. He was begging, begging to be killed, begging for it to all end.

Dean felt tears sting his eyes and a dry lump formed in his throat. Sam sounded so broken, and oh God, had he really begged for death? Had Cole had Sam begging him to end his life? Dean wasn't sure he wanted to know. But he did want Sam to wake up, to wake up and find that it was just a dream.

A memory.

That wasn't happening.

Dean went to get out of bed when Sam's eyes shoot open. He pulled his knees up to his chest and started to sob, rocking himself back and forth. Dean immediately went to his side. He pulled Sam's trembling form into his arms and offered words of comfort while caressing his hair. After what felt like hours, but was only minutes, Sam settled down.

"You're ok" Dean said soothingly "You're safe, I'm here" he spoke the words that were so familiar to him now. It was like he had rehearsed them over and over. But his comforting words did little to ease Sam's pain, only time could ease his pain and unfortunately Dean didn't have power over time. If he did he'd use it to go back to last year and kill Cole before he could hurt Sam. But he couldn't. Now he had to fix the mess Cole had made.

"Stay with me" Sam said, most if it getting lost in Dean's shirt.

"Not going anywhere," he said as he shifted them both so they were lying down, Sam's face still pressed into his chest. He ran his fingers through Sam's hair and continued his steady stream of words. Finally Sam settled down and Dean was able to relax somewhat, but not fully, he couldn't really relax, not until Sam was better.

"I wanna be able to use my hand again" came Sam's broken voice, cutting through the silence like a knife.

"Maybe one day Sam…" What was he to say? 'Sorry Sam you can't. Deal with it.' No. It may have been a lie but then maybe it was the truth, maybe a miracle would happen. '_Yeah right'_ Dean scolded himself for even thinking such a thing _'if someone was working miracles we wouldn't be in this fucking mess.'_ Yeah Dean was bitter, he was _really _bitter. But you couldn't say he had no reason to be.

"I dreamt of him…" Sam said and he sounded so broken again, not like earlier, he had sounded so strong "he was…" he choked on a sob "burning my hand all over again…" tears once again started to fall, hell they never seemed to stop "I could feel the heat… I don't want to feel that pain again… Dean please," and he was begging Dean, begging for him to protect him from all the pain. "Then… he started to beat me… I don't wanna remember" he looked at Dean with pleading eyes "Why do I have to remember?"

Dean bit his tongue, God why did Sam have to remember, why did he have to have nightmares. Couldn't they just catch a break? Why couldn't whoever the hell was up there just stop toying with them. "Its just how it is" he didn't really know what else to say, what could he say? "But it will get easier" again he repeated the all to familiar words. They were living a repeat; only this time it was much, _much_ more fucked up. "You just have to give it some time Sam, they'll stop, it'll get better." _'God please let it get better… please.'_

Sam gave a small nod "Ok" he then rested his head on the pillow and pressed his body into Dean's. He needed to feel Dean near him, it reminded him that he was safe; that he had made it and that there was a way back, even if he didn't see it.

Dean watched Sam until he fell asleep. Stroking his hair and whispering words of love and assurance. Dean let his head drop to the pillow, his forehead resting against Sam's. He closed his eyes and succumbed to the darkness.

SNSNSNSN

Sam woke early in the morning, he was tangled in the sheets and there was something near him. Something was pressed up behind him. Alarm bells rang in Sam's head, when someone was touching him from behind that usually meant… _pain. _He went rigid, he could feel his breaths coming in short pants and sweat beaded on his forehead and the back of his neck. He wanted to jump out of the bed and run, run to safety, run to Dean. But if he moved and woke Cole he'd follow. He'd hurt Sam. He'd punish him. But Cole said he deserved it, deserved to be punished when he did the wrong thing. And Sam was sure running was the wrong thing.

Slowly the light seeped through the window and the room lit up. This wasn't the right room. Slowly everything came back. Dean had saved him. He went to the hospital. Now he was at… at Bobby's. He was safe. God why did he keep forgetting? Why couldn't he just remember that he was safe? Safe in Dean's arms. He slowly rolled over and damn it hurt. Everywhere hurt. Especially inside.

But when he saw Dean the pain eased. He saw Dean and he was reminded that he was safe, that he would never be hurt again, because Dean said so. So that meant Dean was right. Right? He was always right though. If he said he would never be hurt again then it was true. But he'd said that last year, he'd _promised_ Sam that he would never be hurt again. Yet he was.

Sam shook his head. This was too much, way too much. He just wanted to forget about it. Forget it every happened, he just wanted to be ok. He just wanted to feel human. He felt his stomach churn and he could feel the horrible bile rise in his throat. He quickly jumped out of the bed and raced to the bathroom. He shut the door and empted what little was in his stomach.

He dry heaved for a few minutes after. Tears ran down his face and mixed with the sweat. He slowly sat back, his body aching, God how everything hurt. He tried to breathe but it felt like the air wasn't going to his lungs. Maybe he just couldn't breathe. Maybe he was dying and maybe that wouldn't be so bad. If he died Dean would be free of him, free of the burden he was.

Yeah, maybe dying wouldn't be so bad.

He wouldn't feel pain. He wouldn't have to deal with this. He would be able to breath again and maybe, just maybe he'd be happy. Like he was when he was young, God he missed being happy. Sure his life wasn't perfect, hell he'd been dragged around like a rag doll but he was happy. Most of the time. But when he was young he didn't have to deal with this… _pain._ Those memories. _Him._

Would it be like that again? If he were to die. Would he find happiness? Because he was sure he didn't even remember what it felt like to be happy. To just be carefree and live without fear. Well he'd never really lived without fear but this was different. This fear was suffocating him. Pulling him down into its murky waters. And now… _now_ the surface was to far up to reach. He was too tired to swim so he sunk… sunk into the darkness that was lacing itself around him.

Yeah, maybe dying was a good idea.

But what if dying didn't fix this? What if it only pulled him farther into the darkness? What if _he _was there? Waiting for him, waiting to hurt him again, waiting to… _touch _him… everywhere.

Maybe dying wasn't a good idea.

But Sam still wanted to escape, escape all the pain and all the hurt. God how he just wanted to run, run until he no longer felt him… _hurting_ him. He just wanted to scream until his lungs were numb, scream away all the anger, all the embarrassment, all the sorrow and all the fear. God he just wished he could forget. He wanted to close his eyes and find himself somewhere else. Somewhere safe.

So how was he going to escape?

Dying just seemed like the only option.

"Sam!"

Sam's heart lurched into his throat and he immediately started to tremor. Then he heard the voice again and he relaxed, sort of. He slowly rose to his feet and flushed the toilet before going to the sink and rinsing his mouth out. Dean didn't need to know. He reached out a shaky hand and opened the door and with all his might he put on a calm expression.

"Yeah?" he asked causally, to causally.

"Are you ok?" Dean asked, his eyes studying Sam's fake expression.

"I'm fine" well that was the biggest lie of a lifetime, but maybe if he just kept telling himself that he'd feel fine. Maybe he could lie to himself and then he'd be ok. It was better then dealing with all of this, better then remembering it. "Did I wake you when I got up?"

"No" Dean said, his tone flat. Oh he could see right through Sam.

"Ok" he said dryly.

"I'm gonna get a coffee" Dean said softly "want one?"

"Yeah, sounds good" he plastered on a fake smile.

Dean only nodded then left the room. Yep he could see right through Sam's brave front and Sam knew it. So he'd have to try harder, much harder. Because if Dean wouldn't believe he was better then neither could he. So in order to be better he had to believe it himself. Ok trying to make himself _feel _better after being… _hurt_ wasn't going to be easy. But it was better then the pain… better then the _fear_.

SNSNSNSN

Sam sat behind the desk that was littered with numerous amounts of paper. He'd spent the morning busying himself with the task of cleaning up Bobby's office, because it was better then thinking. Better then _remembering. _He just wanted to forget about everything, just leave it all in the past and never look back. But when he was just sitting, staring into space, he would remember and he didn't want to remember. So he just busied himself, it would work, right? If he didn't think about it he wouldn't have to deal with it. He could forget. Right?

He would forget then he'd be ok.

Everything would be ok.

So why wouldn't his hands stop shaking and why, _why_ did he keep glancing around? The room was empty except for him. So why did he feel like he was being watched, like at any moment someone would jump out and… and _hurt _him. He shook his head and told himself that he was safe and that it was ok, that everything was ok. Ok so maybe _everything _wasn't ok, everything was pretty much screwed to hell but it would be ok. He'd be ok… right?

He cleared his throat and fought back tears. He didn't want to cry any more, he really didn't. He just wanted to be able to think, he just wanted to forget, he wanted to die. But what would dying bring? Peace? Safety? He doubted it. He felt like this nightmare would follow him anywhere he went. So how could he escape?

He had to forget.

He had to move on.

He had to _forget_.

So how did one forget such an… _event_? There was only one way. He had to keep his mind off it and maybe, maybe it all go away. Maybe he wouldn't feel the pain… the _fear_. So he'd keep himself busy then he'd be ok again, then everything would be ok again. Maybe. But even if he wanted to forget it wasn't happening. Dean wouldn't let it happen.

He'd been watching Sam for a while now and he knew what he was doing. He was trying to pretend that everything was ok, well everything wasn't ok. Dean walked into the room and sat down on the desk, watching as Sam continued to busy himself. Continued to hide from the pain. Well he couldn't hide, Dean wished he could, he wished Sam could just forget, he wished they could forget. But there was no forgetting.

Sam looked up at him and offered him a halfhearted smile. '_Just pretend you're ok' _he told himself '_then you'll be ok… you're gonna be ok… its gonna be ok'_. He looked away from Dean and picked up some more files and started to put them in a neat pile. '_Just forget' _he said to himself _'it will be ok.' _He felt a hand on his head then he could feel Dean's fingers gently massage his scruple. This reminded Sam of being a kid, he'd also massage his head after he had a bad dream or was upset. So clearly Dean thought he was upset but he wasn't. He was fine. He was ok.

"Are you ok?" Dean asked, his voice soft and gentle as though he was afraid he would frighten Sam if it were any louder. But Sam was ok, it wouldn't frighten him, because was ok.

"I'm ok," he said not looking up _'I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok.'_

"You don't have to put on an act Sam" Dean replied and his voice was still as gentle as ever "Its ok to be upset."

"I'm not upset," he said tersely "Why would I be?"

Dean chewed the inside of his lip. Why would he be? Well maybe because he'd just been through hell. Because he had been tortured and raped and yet he said he was ok. Well Dean knew he wasn't ok. Because _he_ wasn't ok and if he wasn't ok then Sam wasn't either. Hell, no one under this roof was ok, not even Bobby. God how fucked up was their life?

"I am" Dean said and he meant it "and I think you are too."

"How would you know how I feel Dean?" Sam's eyes locked with Dean's and his voice seemed to echo around the room "you don't know anything" he wailed. God he just wanted to forget. "You have no idea how I feel or what I've been through! So don't tell me how I fucking feel!" Sam stood up so fast he knocked the chair over "I just want to forget…" _'Please let me forget… God I want to forget… please'_

"I want to forget too," Dean said offering Sam a feeble smile.

Sam's shoulders slumped "Then lets just forget… please… lets just _forget_."

"We can't Sammy" Dean watched as Sam flinched and he felt his heart ache "I know you want too… I do to… but we can't" he sighed deeply "we have to remember… this isn't something we can sweep under the rug and forget about. No matter how hard you try Sam you're still going to remember, you're still going to have dreams and this… this is still going to be hard for you… for us."

Tears clouded Sam's vision and he wiped them away with the back of his sleeve because he was sick of crying. He was sick of everything.

"But I'm here for you" Dean said with a soft smile "through the good and the bad. I'm here and I'm not leaving."

Sam looked up and stepped closer to Dean, stoping a foot away "But its so hard Dean" he sniffled and fought with all he had to keep the tears at bay. Because he was so sick of crying. "I just want to be able to wake up and find that everything's the way it was… before all of _this… _before last year."

"I know" Dean stood up and placed a hand on Sam's shoulder "I wish that too… but we can't go back and we can't change the past" he paused to watch as Sam broke farther "but it will get better" God, he felt like he was saying that a lot but it was true, it had to be. "I promise it will… just give it some time kiddo."

Sam gave a stiff nod then stepped forwards and buried his face in Dean's chest. He didn't cry though, he wouldn't cry anymore. No more tears. He pulled back a few seconds later and offered Dean a smile, it was halfhearted but it was the best he could manage. "I'm scared Dean" he said in a hoarse voice "all the time…" tears stung his eyes, but no he would not cry "I… I'm so afraid that he'll… he'll just show up a… and _hurt _me. I don't want to hurt anymore Dean… I don't want" he broke off into sob but he would not cry "I just want to feel safe" a single tear fell but he would not cry.

"I know" Dean said in a soothing tone "but Sam you are safe… I'm here and Cole's gone" Sam let another tear slip at the mention of his rapist name "Nothing going to happen baby… I won't let it."

"Ok" Sam said blinking away the rest of the tears "ok." God he wished everything was ok but it was far from it. He wanted to forget, he wanted to escape but there seemed to be no way. He bit his lip trying hard, so hard, to repress a sob. But it escaped and the tears cascaded down. He felt Dean pull him into his arms and he cried softly, face buried in his big brothers chest.

He would cry.

"It's going to be ok kiddo" Dean assured while caressing his hair "everything's going to be ok."

But Dean was wrong.

Noting would be ok.

Not now. _Not ever._

_**TBC**_

_**Thanx everyone for the reviews I love to hear from you's :) **_


	11. Chapter 10 Whispers in the Dark

**Chapter ten: Whispers in the Dark**

Dean sat down at the kitchen table, staring down at his steaming coffee. He'd spent most of the morning with Sam, trying, _trying_ so very hard to make everything ok. To make _everything_ better. But right now that seemed like mission impossible, because everything was so screwed to hell. Right now it seemed unfixable, but it would get better, right? It had too. Sam had too. He had too. Someone had too, right?

Dean pushed his mug aside and his face dropped to the table. He hit it with a bang but he didn't care, he wanted, needed, to feel the pain, anything was better then feeling his emotion pain. He took in a deep breath and he could smell the polish wood, it smelt fresh. He sat up and looked down at the wood, running his hand over the smooth surface. God how he wished he could just melt into the table and escape all of this. He wished he could be as perfect as the table. He wished Sammy could be as undamaged as the table.

'_Dude you're wishin you were a table' _he scolded himself _'you're wishin you could escape when Sam needs you the most.' _Dean shook his head to clear it; he swore he was going insane. Maybe it was from the lack of sleep or the constant worry or maybe it was just him, maybe he was just finally losing the plot. There was only so much one person could take. _'You're acting like the victim'_ he scolded himself again _'pull your fucking shit together and help Sam… help him feel human again.'_

Dean bit down hard on his lip and blinked away the tears. Why was this so hard? Why couldn't he just help Sam? God why was he acting like this? He was being stupid, hell he was being selfish. He was only thinking about himself. And Sam, Sam was the one who was hurt, who was… _raped_. Sam was the one who was suffering and yet here he was wallowing in self-pity.

"I'm a terrible brother" his head dropped back to the table and this time, this time it hurt a lot more. His head seemed to pound and for a second he thought he was spinning but it quickly cleared.

"You're not a terrible brother."

Dean looked up at the voice and saw Bobby standing in the doorway; a warm smile graced his face. "Yes I am" he said in a tear choked voice "I keep acting like I'm the victim and I shouldn't…" he paused "I should be helping Sammy. I should be making him better but I seem to keep failing at it and he is sinking deeper and I can't swim anymore."

Bobby walked over to Dean and took a seat next to him "Dean…" he placed his hand on Dean's shoulder "no one ever said this was going to be easy, no one ever said you'd be able to fix Sam in a week but you will _fix_ him. You will make him better" he squeezed his shoulder for emphasise.

"But how…?" he spoke just above a whisper "I can't even deal with this myself… I want to help Sammy, I do… but… God I'm so screwed and for once I don't think I can do this! I can't help Sam!"

"Yes you can" Bobby said simply then rose to his feet "I know you can Dean and so do you. You just gotta realise it," he turned to look at the clock then looked back. "Remember last year? You said you couldn't do it but you did. You helped Sam heal and you can do it again, it's only been a week and a half just give it more time. But don't, _don't_ for a second think you can't do this" a small smile lit up his face "because you can, I know it and so does Sam and don't forget that" he then looked back at the clock then looked back at Dean "Sam has a doctor's appointment at three thirty so don't forget" he then left the room without waiting for a reply.

Dean looked down at his hands and mulled over what Bobby said. He remember last year, he remembered how he thought he couldn't make Sam better but he had, he had. Now, _now_ he would do it again. He would make Sam better, he'd help him heal and move past this. Then maybe, just maybe everything would be ok.

SNSNSNSN

Sam stared out at the hospital from his seat in the Impala. He and Dean had been sitting here for at least five minutes, no one moving or making an effort to go inside. Sam didn't want to go; he didn't want to be in the outside world. It wasn't safe. People could hurt him; people could see right through him and they knew, they_ knew _everything. They knew how Cole had hurt, they knew that he was a burden to his brother and yet they pitied him. He could see it in the eyes; he could see it in Dean's eyes.

"We have to go in" Dean spoke just above a whisper, God he was also quiet this days "Evan's waiting for us Kiddo."

"Don't," Sam rasped "don't wanna go in… it's not safe" he seemed to recoil into himself at the last part.

"Sammy" Dean watched as Sam flinched "you will be safe. I will be with you and you will be safe" Dean scooted over to Sam and wrapped one arm around his shoulder and pulled him close to him "Nothings going to happen to you" he spoke the words in a low voice "I will protect you" he pressed his lips to Sam's ear "I will always keep you safe."

Sam seemed to tense at the words but he shook his head, he was being stupid. He was with Dean and he was _safe. _Right? Of course he was safe, he was with Dean and Dean was his big brother and he would never hurt him. Right? Suddenly Sam went rigid as Dean's hand ran up his inner thigh, his breathing increased but he tried to control it. _'I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe' _he told himself over and over.

"You are safe Sammy" Dean's hands moved up and now, _now_ he was being touched in all the wrong places. He started to cry but Dean soothed him, saying everything was ok and this had to happen.

"Dean stop" he cried out but he didn't stop. Oh God why wouldn't he stop. "Dean don't… please no!"

"Yes Sam" he whispered into his ear then he was sitting on him straddling him. "Oh God yes."

Sam's eyes were closed, he refused to open them; he didn't want to see his brother _hurt _him. He felt his lips against his, forcing his lips apart so he could explore his mouth. Sam's eyes snapped open just for a second and what he saw made his blood run cold. It wasn't Dean pinning him to the seat… it was Cole Collins.

He pulled back and smirked at Sam. The smirk that sent chills racing through his body. "He'll want to taste it one day Sammy" he said ominously "and if you don't give it to him" he pressed a firm kiss to his lips then whispered into his ear "He'll just have to take it!"

Sam's eyes snapped open and he sat up, gasping for air. He looked around the unfamiliar room and panic set in. He didn't know where he was and Cole… and Dean and oh God! They all wanted the same thing from him. They wanted to hurt him they wanted to… to _touch _him. He looked around the room and saw that he was being watched. People were looking at him and they knew, they knew everything. He had to get out of here but he didn't know where to go. The room was spinning and everything was blurring together.

He spun around in a circle, trying desperately to find a way out. He went to run when he felt two strong arms stop him. Two arms holding him against his own will. He tried to pull out of the vice like grip but his attacker wasn't letting go. He was panicking know. Breathing was getting harder and the world around him was slowly turning dark. But something stood out.

A voice.

Dean's voice.

'Sam can you hear me' rang in his but he couldn't talk, he couldn't open his mouth to form words. He wanted to though; he wanted to tell Dean that he could hear him and that he knew. That he knew what he wanted from him, but he wasn't getting it. He had to escape, he had to escape now or he would endure more pain. With all the force he could muster up he kicked Dean's legs and he toppled to the ground but he brought Sam with him. He tried to get back up but his injured body wouldn't allow it.

'Sam you're safe' bounced off the walls but he ignored it. He wasn't safe. Cole was here and Dean… Dean wanted to hurt him too. Why did everyone want to him? Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He had to run. He had to run and never look back. He ignored his brothers pleading voice and punched him in the face before getting up on shaky legs and running. Running for his life.

SNSNSNSN

Dean watched as Sam slept. It reminded Dean of when they were kids, when everything was ok. He brushed a stray hair out of Sam's eye and hugged him tighter. He didn't care that he was in a room filled with strangers; he needed to feel Sam near him, to know he was safe and really back. He let out a sigh and looked around the tacky room. He really, _really_ hated hospitals. He always had only now he had more of a reason too. They were filled with memories, memories that he rather not have. But he did and so did Sam.

He cleared his throat, trying to dislodge the lump forming in it. He felt Sam stir and he looked down to see his eyes flutter open then it all happened so quickly. He was on his feet in only a second and he was looking around the room. Dean could see the panic etched into his features and immediately rose to his feet. He reached out his arms and tried to calm his baby brother down but it was no use. He started mumbling incoherent words and Dean seemed to match it. Offering words of comfort while trying to tell him that he was safe and that he was at the hospital.

But Sam seemed to be freaking out more. Dean was so hurt at the look of pure horror on his brother's face that he didn't even notice him kick his legs out from under him. He tumbled to the floor but he wasn't letting go of Sam, he wasn't going to let him run. He managed to hold Sam for a few more minutes but he punished him in the face then he broke free and ran. He ran like there was no tomorrow. Dean quickly jumped to his feet and followed his brother, his heart racing a million miles a minute.

"Sam!" he shouted once out side the hospital "Kiddo where are you?" he looked around the car park, his heart still racing. "Sammy!" he dashed across the car park and ran to his beloved Impala. He looked inside and saw Sam hiding in the back, and God he looked so small and helpless. He opened the back door and slid in.

"Stay away" Sam wailed, pressing himself farther into the door "Go away… please… go away."

"Sam" Dean spoke, trying, trying so very hard to keep his voice firm "Sam I'm not going to hurt you."

Sam shook his head and started to rock himself "Please… go away… just don't hurt me… please."

Dean felt his heart shattering all over again. What had happened? Why was Sam so freaked out? God why couldn't they just catch a break? Why couldn't something good happen? Why the fuck did this happen? Dean chewed at the inside of his lip and forced back tears while desperately trying to find the right words. But all he found was anger. Anger towards whoever the hell was in charge of their lives. Because everything was so fucked up and surely, _surely_ this joke was getting old.

"Sam please" Dean pleaded, blinking away the tears "I'm not going to hurt you" he moved closer to Sam but it was the wrong move. Sam freaked out and opened the back door and took off. Dean quickly got out of the car and followed Sam. He followed Sam across the car park and out onto the street. There were a few cars on the road, and very few people on the footpath. Dean saw Sam cut through an alley and he quickly followed. His legs seemed to hurt already from running; it seemed like ages since he had to chase after something. But this wasn't something; this was Sam, _his_ Sam.

He entered the alley and luckily it had a dead end. Well at least someone was looking out for them. He walked slowly through it; he could see Sam at the end of the alley. He was laying on the ground with his legs drawn up to his chest and his cries echoed of the walls. Dean bit back a sob as he came closer to the broken mess that was his little brother.

"Sam" Dean's voice cracked as he spoke and he lowered himself to the ground "C'mon its me… you're safe" Sam recoiled farther into himself and sobbed louder. Dean forced back tears but he didn't have enough strength to hold them. This was truly heart breaking and Dean felt like a small part of him was dying. "Sam it's me" he spoke in a tear-choked voice "Its Dean, its big brother."

"Go away" Sam wailed, "You want to hurt me… I don't wanna hurt anymore… please just go."

Dean's jaw clenched at Sam's words. He didn't want to hurt Sam, not at all; he just wanted to make him better. Oh God this was truly fucked up. Seriously could someone just give them a break? Or was that too much ask? Clearly it was. So Dean would have to try and fix this. Try and fix Sam. He went to speak but no words came out, he couldn't talk. God why couldn't he talk?

"Dean!"

Dean looked behind him at the sound of the familiar voice. He could see Doctor Evan Markovic standing at the end of the alley. How did he find them? Well Dean didn't really care how, but he was glad he did. He really needed some help right now.

"Dean what's happened" he paused beside him and looked down at the trembling mess that was Sam.

"I… I don't know" Dean sobbed, "I think he had a bad dream and when he woke up he freaked out and just ran."

"Ok son" he spoke calmly "lets get him back inside."

"He won't" Dean tried to reach out for Sam but he pulled away "he won't let me touch him."

"Ok" Evan looked at Sam and he felt his heart ach "Sam, its Evan, your doctor, can you hear me?"

_Nod._

"Sam, listen, you're safe but we need to get you back inside" he said composed "can you get back up?"

Sam stayed still for a moment then slowly sat up and moved over to the Doctor, avoiding any contact with Dean "don't let him hurt me" he said looking away, tears running down his face.

"No one will hurt you Sam" he assured "I'm here and so's Dean."

"NO!" Sam screamed then hid behind the Doctor like a scared child "He wants to hurt me."

Dean felt like someone had just stabbed him in the heart with an ice dagger and were now twisting it in deeper. Sam thought Dean wanted to hurt him, Sam thought Dean wanted to… rape him. Oh God! Why did he think that? Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

"Dean doesn't want to hurt you" Evan said and Dean was lifted from his thoughts "he loves you."

Sam shook his head "Please… I don't want him to hurt me."

Evan looked over at Dean, who was staring down at the ground "Dean" he whispered, "say something."

Dean didn't look up "Take him back to the hospital."

"Dean he needs you" Evan said firmly.

"Take. Him. Back. To. The. Hospital" he emphasised each word. "NOW!"

Evan nodded then looked back to the broken hunter "Come on Sam" he helped him back to his feet "Lets take you back inside."

Sam nodded and aloud Evan to lead him away.

Once Dean was sure he was alone he slowly rose to his feet and looked up at the sky. Tears streamed down his face and he took in a deep breath, getting ready to let his anger out. "Is this funny to you?" he shouted at the sky "Do you like fucking with us huh? 'Cause I'm getting pretty sick of this! And I'm sick of you ruining Sam's life" he took a deep breath and blinked away the tears "I don't know who you are but when I find out I'm going to kick your ass and then I'm going to salt 'n' burn you! Because what your doing just isn't fair and its really, _really_ fucked up!"

Dean's knees buckled and he fell to the ground, tears running down his cheeks and mixing with the sweat. "God why can't you just let him get better?" Dean's head dropped and he looked down at the ground "why did this have to happen? Haven't we been through enough?" Dean looked back up "I'm going to fix this! And no matter what you throw at us I will fix it! I'm not letting you or whoever the fuck you are ruin our lives" he rose back to his feet, and he felt a new strength "I'm going to make everything ok and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop me!"

SNSNSNSN

Sam sat in the uncomfortable chair staring down at his hands; he twisted his fingers together nervously. He hadn't spoken a word since he arrived back at the hospital. He was lead to Evan's office and now, _now_ he was staring down at his hands and trying to block out the images of his brother taking advantage of him. He chewed at the inside of lip and dug his nails into the palms of his hands, he drew blood and he could taste the copper in his mouth and see the red liquid run down his hands. He sat alone in the office and he didn't care that he was bleeding.

He vaguely remembered Evan telling him that he had to go make a quick phone call but he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure about anything at the moment. But he was sure about something. He didn't want to think about it but it was true… Dean wanted to _hurt_ him. He bit his lip harder and tried to block everything out, he didn't want to remember. He just wanted to forget and move on. But there was no going forwards, not now. He would be stuck in this dark place forever, he'd forever feel afraid, he'd forever be chased by the ghost of his past.

And now…

_Now_ no one could save him. The one person he had trusted wanted to hurt him wanted to… _touch_ him. Oh God but why? Why would Dean want to hurt him? He'd promised to make him better, he'd _promised. _Sam let the tears fall and he felt truly alone. Everyone wanted to hurt him. Why? Why him? What did he do? Did he deserve this? He must have. Sam bit back a sob and looked up, his eyes falling on the door. He should get up and go. He should walk out of here and walk right in front of a bus.

It was the only way.

If he wanted to feel safe, if he wanted to escape, he'd have to die.

He couldn't do this anymore.

He had to end it.

**_TBC_**

**Please review :) **


	12. Chapter 11 Heavily Broken

**Chapter eleven: Heavily Broken**

Dean returned to the hospital and was greeted with a very worried Doctor. He took him aside and Dean knew a million questions were about to be asked. But he didn't want to answer them, he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to close his eyes and open them and find that this was just a dream, a really, _really_ bad dream. But it never happened. No matter how mine times he closed his eyes, no matter how many times he told himself that this was not happening it stayed the same. The darkness kept crawling in and it was suffocating him. He was pretty sure there wasn't much air left in his lungs. Soon he wouldn't breathe and maybe, maybe then everything would be ok.

Maybe one day he would see the light.

But that sure as hell wasn't happening anytime soon.

He could see Evan talking to him, he saw his lips moving but the words seemed to be jumbled together and it sounded like someone was humming. Loud. He tried to concentrate, he tried to understand what the Doctor was saying but he didn't speak Doctor and he had no idea what he was saying. Maybe he wasn't saying anything at all; maybe it was just Dean's imagination. Maybe the darkness had closed in on him? Maybe there would be no more pain, for him or for Sam.

"Dean!" Evan shouted and Dean was brought out of thoughts.

"What?" he was sure he slurred the word.

"What happened?" Evan asked harshly "he's a mess! He won't even let you near him."

"He had a dream" Dean said simply "he woke up and spun out" he wasn't in the mood to get into details, he was too tired.

"Did he tell you what it was about?"

"No."

"Ok" Evan said with a sigh "I'm going to talk to him and see if I can calm him down? Do you want to see him?"

"Later" Dean said and he sounded bitter but he was too tired and too angry with himself to deal with this.

"Ok" Evan nodded then left without another word. He stepped into office and found Sam staring down at the floor, blood running down his hands. He grabbed a tissue and offered it to Sam. He tentatively reached out for it, his eyes never leaving the ground.

Evan sat down on his chair and watched Sam for a moment before speaking. "What was your dream about?"

Sam looked up, his eyes blood shot from crying "I don't wanna talk about it" he said hoarsely.

"Sam" Evan lent in but not to close, afraid he would scary him "I really want you to tell me what it was about."

Sam looked away and chewed at his lip "I was in the Impala… and… Dean was with me" he trailed off.

"What else Sam?"

Sam blinked away the tears "we talked then he moved close to me and he started to touch me" his hands balled into fits and he forced back a sob "he kissed me and he forced himself on me" Sam's body was trembling and tears were cascading down his face now "I closed my eyes… because" he swallowed the lump in his throat, God talking was so hard these days "because I didn't want to see him… _hurt_ me but when I opened them… it was Cole." Sam pulled his legs up to his chest and started to sob.

"Sam" Evan spoke the word in a gently voice, "Do you think Dean wants to hurt you?"

Sam looked up, tears clouding his vision "I don't know" Sam sounded so weak, even to himself "he said he wants to make me better… but… Cole said he wants to… hurt me" the last part was just a whisper.

"When did Cole say this?"

"In the dream" Sam replied.

"Sam it was just a dream" Evan said softly "Dean doesn't want to hurt you, it's common for people who have been… abused to dream these things. You feel like the whole world is out to get you. You feel unsafe" he paused and watched as Sam's expression changed from sorrowful to confused. "Sam I can assure you that Dean doesn't want to hurt you… he just wants to make you better"

"He does?"

"Yes" Evan said with a nod "he would never hurt you Sam."

"Ok" Sam said dryly.

"Would you like him to come in?"

"Not yet" Sam knew what the doctor said was true but he wasn't ready to see Dean.

"Ok Sam" he said with a small smile "Well can I take a look at your hand, we have to check your other injuries as well."

"Ok" Sam said and he said that a lot lately but the truth was he wasn't ok and he wasn't sure he'd ever be ok.SNSNSNSN

Dean paced back and forth along the corridor of the hospital, his fourth cup of coffee in hand. He'd been pacing ever since Evan had left to go talk with Sam. That was an hour and a half ago or maybe it was only minutes ago he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure about anything any more. Everything was so fucked up and for once he didn't know what to do. He was at a loss. He felt like he had ran out of things to say but there was no way he was giving up. He wasn't giving up on Sam. He wouldn't let Cole win.

He finally stopped pacing and everything became clear. If he failed to bring Sam back then Cole would have won and Dean would have lost and he didn't take kindly to failure. He wasn't going to let Cole get away with this, sure he was dead and no longer had any idea what Dean or Sam were doing but if Sam sank then Cole would have what he wanted. Sam broken and Dean defeated. Well that wasn't happening. Dean wouldn't let it happen. He couldn't watch Sam be pulled into the darkness. It was time he stopped thinking about himself and did what was best for Sam.

But how did you fix someone who was so heavily broken? So beautifully broken. _'You give it your all' _Dean thought _'Its time I fixed Sam, no more bullshit, its time I make him better.' _Dean felt a small piece of himself heal and a smile tugged out his lips, too bad it was about to be taken away. He saw a shadow over him and he looked up to see Sam. His head bowed.

"Sam" he pulled him into arms and gave him a tight hug, but Sam was rigid. He pulled back and saw terror etched into his face, tears were once glistening in his eyes or maybe they were all ways there. "Sam are you ok?" he asked and he knew, he _knew_ it was a stupid question, because of course Sam wasn't ok, nothing was ok. He hadn't fixed him yet.

"Can we go home?" he asked, head still lowered.

"Of course" Dean said, "Where's Evan? I wanna have a quick chat with him."

Sam shrugged "at the desk."

"Ok Sam" Dean said in his calm soothing voice, the one he used when Sam was a kid "You just take a seat and I'll be back in a sec" he left without waiting for a reply and walked over to Evan who was standing at the desk. "Well?" Dean asked as he neared him.

"Sam's hand is healing nicely" he said looking down at his clipboard "He will need more surgery but not for awhile and his back wounds are also healing well."

"That's not what I was asking doc" Dean said tersely "why did he freak out?"

"He had a nightmare," Evan said, this time looking up but not meeting Dean's eyes.

"About?" Dean obviously knew what it was about but he wanted Evan to tell him.

"I think you should talk to him about it" Evan said with a sigh "it would be best."

"Fine" he said darkly "can I take him home?"

"Yes you may" he handed Dean a piece of yellow paper "here is his prescription, it's for the antibiotics which is for the Syphilis" Dean felt his stomach churn at the word, as if this wasn't bad enough.

"Thanks" Dean took the paper then headed back to Sam, who was still staring down at the ground. "Hey kiddo" he crouched down before him, his hand hovering above his knee "ready to go home?"

Sam nodded then looked up "You'd never hurt me… would you?"

Dean felt his mouth go dry "No" he said, "Never… why you ask?"

"No reason" Sam said dryly "I wanna go."

"Ok" Dean stood "we're going."

SNSNSNSN

Sam sat curled up on the couch in the small back room of Bobby's. The room was basically empty except for the couch, which he lay on and anther one opposite it. The room was the brightest in the house, the warm sun flooded through the windows, chasing away the shadows. But not the darkness. Sam felt like it was always there, closing in on him. It was like there was an invisible cloak around him; it kept him away from the light, kept him from healing. But today it was worse. It was squeezing him, suffocating him. He could feel it wrapping around him and he wanted, he _needed_ to escape.

But there was no escape.

Only more darkness and it never ended.

He shut his eyes and tried to block out the world around him, he tried so very hard. But it didn't work. The darkness was still consuming him and there was only one way out. He opened his eyes only to find Dean sitting in front of him, his eyes locked with Sam's. It was as thought he knew what Sam was about to do, but he couldn't, right? He couldn't.

"What was the dream about" he asked, his voice soft but leaving no room for argument.

"Stuff" Sam said then went to get up when Dean held him down. He was hovering over Sam, his arms holding his. "Dean no!" Sam wailed, "Please don't."

Dean immediately let go of Sam, he took a step back, he seemed to be in a daze. "OK" he sat down on the chair, his hands trembling "why'd you ask me if I'd ever hurt you" his voice cracked when he spoke but that happened a lot these days.

Sam looked away, he wasn't sure what to say, "I… I just wanted to know."

"You're lying!" Dean snapped and Sam flinched. "Tell me what you dreamt about Sam… _please_."

Sam looked down and searched his mind for words, but words were so hard to find, everything was hard. Even walking seemed hard hell even sleeping was hard but what did he expect? For this to be easy? Huh that was a laugh. This wasn't going to be easy, this was going to be hard, so very hard. "I dreamt I was in the Impala…" he chewed at his bottom lip and damn that felt familiar "and you… and I were talking… and" he didn't want to say it, how could he say it? Hell how could of he have dreamt it? "Then you attacked me… you tried to…" he didn't want to say the word, he _couldn't_ say the word "take advantage of me."

Dean's heart stopped "what…" he didn't mean to say that, it was just the only word that came out. "Sam I would never, could never, Sam I wouldn't hurt you like that! I wouldn't hurt you at all" he knew he was rambling but he had to make sure Sam knew he'd never do that.

"I know" Sam interrupted him "in the dream you turned into Cole" he paused and forced back tears "Evan said it was common for people who have been… _hurt_ to dream those kinds of dreams."

"Ok" well nothing was ok, Sam was dreaming of his own brother raping him and Dean said ok, nothing was ok.

"I just don't want you near me right now."

That cut Dean like a knife or rather a million knifes "OK" and there it was again but he really had nothing left to Sam "I'm here if you need me" he rose to his feet and headed the door, only pausing for a moment to add "I love you Sam and I'd protect you with my life" and then he left.

SNSNSNSN

Sam lay awake staring up at the ceiling, counting the cracks in the paint. He hadn't been able to sleep, even though he was tired. He rolled onto his side and pulled the blankets tighter around him, it was so cold. But the funny thing was he didn't remember it being this cold earlier, it hadn't been cold at all. Sam could feel the chill run up his spine and he reached for the extra blanket at the end of the bed. But it wasn't there.

Something else was missing too.

Tristan.

He looked all around him, expecting to see the pup curled up close to his body but he wasn't there. He was nowhere to be seen. He looked over at the opposite bed; Dean lay beneath the covers, sound asleep. Sam eyes wondered to the window and he stared out at the moon, the silver beam the only source of light.

Sam let out a sigh then lay back down, snuggling into the blankets. He was deep in thought when he felt someone touching him. He immediately went rigid. _'Its just Dean_' he told himself. But why was Dean touching him? Wasn't he asleep? Didn't Sam tell him not to come near him? He felt his heart race and panic laced itself around him. He stiffened a sob as the hand went lower.

"You're mine Sammy," an ominous voice whispered.

Sam's eyes slammed shut and panic took hold. This couldn't be happening, he was safe, he was with Dean. He was _safe. _He felt the cover being pulled off him and he let a sob. This wasn't supposed to be happening, he was supposed to be safe.

"You'll never be safe Sammy" Cole said against his ear "I will always be out there… waiting… watching" his hand slipped into Sam's sweat pants "and when you're alone I'll come and I'll get you and this time Dean won't find you" he pushed his finger into Sam and he cried out, tears running down his face.

"Sam!"

Sam's eyes shot open and he sat up gasping for air. He looked around him and saw Dean sitting next to him; concern and heart ach was etched on his face. He reached out for Sam but he pulled away. He didn't want to but he was afraid, what if Dean wanted to hurt him. He'd said he didn't so why would he lie? He wouldn't lie, right? No he wouldn't. Oh God he was so confused. He really, _really_ wanted Dean to hold him but another part was telling him not to let him near him. He couldn't trust any one.

'Sam are you ok?' he could hear Dean talking to him, asking him questions but he didn't want to answer them. He wanted to escape. He had to escape. This was too much for him. There was no way back now, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Only more pain. He jumped out of the bed and ran, ran as fast as he could. He heard Dean shout after him but he wasn't following. Good. Sam didn't want this to be any harder then it already was.

He had made it half way to the bathroom when he fell over, crashing down on the hard wooden floor. It jarred his injuries but he didn't care he wanted to feel pain. He wanted to escape. He felt hands pull him back up and he was facing his big brother, he could see the tears in his eyes and it hurt like hell to know how sad Dean was going to be. But he'd understand. If he truly loved Sam he would understand why he had to do this.

"Let me go Dean" Sam said trying to sound strong.

"Sam I need you to calm down" Dean said softly "Please… just listen to me kiddo, you're safe."

No he wasn't.

"No I'm not," he said weakly "But I will be" a sing tear snaked a path down his cheek.

"Sam…" Dean felt his heart lunch into his throat "what do you mean?"

"I'm sorry" and with all his strength he threw a punch, knocking Dean square in the jaw. He stumbled back and hit his head against the wall and Sam was grateful that Bobby had decided to go out for the night. "I'm so _sorry _Dean" he sobbed "But I can't live with the pain anymore" he blinked away the tears and lowered himself to the ground, his hand hovering over Dean's heart "Please forgive me Dean…"

**TBC**

**Please review :)**


	13. Chapter 12 And we All fall Down

**Chapter twelve: And we All fall Down**

Dean could feel the morning sun warming his skin. He slowly opened his eyes and let out a groan, why the hell did his head hurt so much? He slowly sat up, wincing. He looked around the room in confusion. He was in the hall. Why the hell was he in the hall? As his mind cleared, last night's memories came seeping back. Sam had woken up from a nightmare and he had been so scared, God he was beyond scared. But he wouldn't let Dean touch him, he kept pulling away and it hurt like hell to know that Sam didn't want him near him. But why was he in the hall?

Sam had run.

Dean had chased him and tried to stop him, but he pleaded for Dean to just let him go. He said he was sorry, but for what? What had happened next? Dean racked his brain for the answer but it was all so foggy. Damn his head hurt. But he had to think, he had to remember, God why couldn't he remember. Sam had pleaded for him to let him go and he said he was sorry then… then he hit Dean after that everything went dark.

Oh God what had Sam done?

Dean was on his feet in a matter of seconds, all pain forgotten. He ran to the end of the hall and kicked the bathroom door in for the second time. He was in such a daze that he didn't see Sam sprawled out on the floor unconscious. When he regained his senses he saw his brother lying motionless on the floor in a pool of his own vomit.

Dean dropped to the floor beside Sam and he felt his world come crashing down. He started to mumble incoherent words as he gently shook Sam's shoulder, trying so hard to wake him up. But he wouldn't. Dean felt tears sting his eyes and the familiar lump formed in his throat. He felt for a pulse, his hands trembling. A small amount of relief washed over him when he felt it, it was faint but it was there and that meant his Sammy was alive.

He looked around the room for the first time and saw the pill bottles lying on the ground. He'd tried to take his own life and Dean hadn't even stopped to think, because he should have known Sam would have tried it. He was too lost, _too broken_ and he saw this as the only way out. And God why didn't he see it, why didn't he think of it before? He'd tried last year when all this first happened. He'd seemed so lost last year but this year, this year he was _broken_, Cole had broken him. And Sam, Sam didn't' see a way back.

And Dean thought that maybe he should let Sam die, maybe, maybe he himself should die. Maybe they should just both die and escape all of this, all the pain and all the fear. Maybe dying wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he should take the rest of the pills, it would be easier. Because maybe this time there would be no happy ending. Maybe it was the end.

Right here.

Right now.

Dean tentatively reached out for the bottle of painkillers but he heard something. _Laughter?_ From where he didn't know but he closed his eyes and tried to remember the last time he'd laughed, the last time he'd laughed with Sam. It wasn't that long ago but it felt like years ago, hell it felt like it was someone else's life. His past, his childhood all seemed so far away, seemed like someone else's life. Because how could have they gone from that to this? How could have everything been so screwed up?

How could have this be their life?

How had Dean gone from smart-ass though guy to the lost and broken man who was contemplating whether or not to end his life? How could have Sam gone from sweet collage guy to suicidal broken mess? God who decided this should happen? It wasn't fair, after all they did, after all they went through, this wasn't fair. They didn't deserve it. All they ever did was help people, save them. So who's fucked up idea was this? Who said lets fuck with the Winchester's?

It didn't matter now.

It was time for it to end.

The pain was too much, _this_ was too much.

Dean grabbed the bottle and poured the remaining pills out. There wasn't enough to end this nightmare; there wasn't enough to take away the pain. Dean threw the bottle into the wall and cursed, tears making their way down his face. God he couldn't even kill himself, but maybe he didn't deserve too, maybe there would be no peace for him. But there could be for Sam. He could escape the fear, the pain, and the memories. Dean looked down at his little brother, God he was barely breathing.

He didn't want to let him die, he loved Sam, he was his brother but he had to. He had to let Sam die; he had to let him escape. Because it was the only way, there was no way back, not this time. Dean would change the world for Sam, he'd given him everything but right now the best thing he could give him was death.

He fell back on the ground and pulled his legs to his chest, sobs wrecked his body. He didn't want to lose Sam, he wanted him to keep fighting but there was no fight left in him, this was the end. Dean had to let go. He looked up and watched as Sam's life came closer to the end, and it hurt, it hurt like hell to sit and watch him die but it was the only way.

There was no other way.

It wouldn't get better this time.

He felt his throat close up and he was sure he wasn't breathing any more, but hey that wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he'd just close his eyes and this time when he opened them everything would be ok. Maybe the darkness would take him to a better place, take his Sammy to a better place. A place where this never happened.

He couldn't breath.

He knew he was gasping for air, his throat was closing up and the tears had dried. He felt someone touching him, calling out to him, begging him to snap out of it. But he wasn't leaving this dark place, because it would take him somewhere else, somewhere safe. He could still hear the voice, but it didn't sound like anyone who knew, well it didn't sound much like a voice, more of mixture of sounds. But he didn't care. He just wanted to go.

He just wanted to die.

And he was getting closer to his wish. The darkness was pulling him down, down into her murky waters. The voice finally disappeared and everything was quiet…

And everything was ok.

SNSNSNSN

Dean could hear voices and an annoying beeping sound, a sound that only belong in a hospital. A sound that meant he was alive, a sound that meant he hadn't escaped. But maybe Sam had, maybe he'd found a better place. Maybe he was ok. But Dean wasn't. He hadn't escaped but maybe he didn't deserve to, maybe he'd never find peace but maybe Sam would. But right now he felt ok, he was floating and he didn't feel a thing and it was better then feeling because all he felt was pain.

The voices however became louder and the beeping noise drummed in the background. The voices were begging him to wake up, but he didn't want to leave the darkness. The funny thing was the darkness was always there; it never really left. But this darkness was different, it was welcoming and maybe, _maybe_ this darkness would take him to a better place. Maybe he'd be ok if he just stayed here. Maybe when he opened his eyes he'd see a better place.

A place where this had never happened.

But the voices became louder and clearer and he knew he wasn't going to a better place, he was stuck right here, in his living nightmare. But maybe Sam had gone to a better place. But if Sam had gone then Dean would never see him again, his little brother was gone. No. Sam had to go, it was the only way, there was no other way.

But what if he could have fixed Sam? What if everything was ok? What if things started to get better? No. Nothing was getting better; Sam wasn't getting better. Right? Oh God what if he had gotten better? What if there had been away out from this dark place. What if Sam had been ok? What if Dean had been ok? What if _they_ had been ok?

Oh God, how could have Dean just sat there and watched Sam die? How could he have not done anything to save him? Sam was dead and it was Dean's fault, he'd fucked up big time. He'd let Sam _die_, he'd let his baby brother die and he'd just watched, he'd let him die. Now, _now _everything was screwed to hell and Dean, Dean wasn't escaping. The only place he was going was his hellish life, only now it was so, _so _much worse. Sam, his brother was gone and Dean had let him die.

The image of his brother's lifeless body flashed before his eyes and the darkness cleared. His eyes shot open but all he saw was a mass of colours, they were dancing around him; mocking him. He shook his head to try and clear away the fog but all he got was a headache. Good. It was better then the pain he felt inside. The pain of knowing that Sam was dead.

But maybe he wasn't dead? Maybe someone had saved him? Saved him from death anyway; Dean wasn't sure anyone could save Sam from the pain that life handed him. So maybe Sam was alive and maybe just maybe Dean could fix him, make him better then they'd be ok. They'd be ok right? God why couldn't this just be easy? Why did everything come crashing down when it got better? Maybe because nothing was getting better? No. It was getting better.

Right?

"Dean, look at me!"

Suddenly the room became clear and his head stopped pounding. He slowly turned his head and saw Bobby and Evan, worry etched on their faces. _'Please don't let it be Sammy' _he thought with tears in his eyes.

"Dean, son what happened?" Bobby asked in his fatherly voice.

"I let Sam die" Dean said but it was barely above a whisper.

"What was that Dean?" Bobby asked, still using his fatherly voice and it somehow comforted Dean.

"I let Sammy die" Dean said, letting a tear fall.

"No Dean" Bobby said firmly "Sam's alive son, he made it, but you need to tell us what happened."

"Sam's alive" Dean repeated the word and it echoed in his mind. Sam was alive; he was alive, so now Dean could fix him. Right? He could make him better, make him human again. Then they'd be ok. "Can I see him?"

"He's resting" Evan said walking to the end of the bed, his brows furrowed in concern "Dean… when I was looking at Sam I noticed he had scares on his wrist… did Sam try and… and hurt himself last year? After Cole?"

Dean looked down, everything was so damn foggy but he remembered something. The river and Sam. "Yes" he said looking up "he cut himself" and damn that was so hard to say "I found him by the river and… and he was trying to…" the rest of sentence was muffled by a sob.

"It's ok Dean" Bobby said placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Dean" Evan said and for once he sounded angry "why didn't you tell us this?"

"I didn't think" Dean said and it was the truth, he'd been to worried about other things to remember last year, because in a way this felt just like this was last year, only it was so much worse.

"Dean we could have prevented this if you told us," Evan said firmly.

"I forgot" Dean said looking down again, tears stinging his eyes.

"How could you forget Dean?" Evan asked and he was angry.

"I don't know" Dean looked up "Oh wait! I do know, I was so worried about Sam that it slipped my mind and I know it shouldn't have but it did!" he was yelling now, because he had to let it out "I'm sorry I forgot but I was little distressed knowing that my little brother had been raped and tortured!" then it hit Dean, Sam had been raped again. He'd known it before but never had it really sunk in and now, _now_ it had. Sam had been raped and it was his fault. He felt the tears cascade down but he didn't care, because this was his fault. He'd promised Sam he would never let it happen again and it had. And he'd _promised._

"I shouldn't have never let this happen" he wailed, "I was supposed to look after him but I failed! How am I meant to fix this?" he looked from Evan to Bobby, hoping they had an answer "what am I supposed to do? How can I make Sam better?"

"You just have to give it time Dean" Evan said and he was the nice kind doctor again "It all takes time."

"That's what I keep telling him…" Dean looked down, tears clouding his vision "'It will get better Sam' is what I say but it doesn't feel like it! It feels like it will never end…" he scrubbed his hands over his face "it feels like no matter what I do or how hard I try this isn't going to get better."

"Dean" Bobby said "It will get better but maybe this time…" he paused knowing how much Dean would hate the idea "Maybe this time Sam needs help… professional help and" he dragged the word out "maybe you do to."

"No way!" he spat and for the moment he sounded like the old Dean "No way am I going to see some quack!"

"Then what about Sam, Dean" Evan spoke this time "he needs help Dean… he tried to end his life and I really, _really_ think it would be the best for him."

Dean looked away, he hated shrinks as much as he hated demons but maybe Sam needed to see one, maybe Dean couldn't do this alone. He'd been trying, God he'd been trying so hard but he was failing. All Sam wanted was death and not even Dean had been able to stop him. Maybe this was the only way to make him better, to make him human. "Ok" Dean said still not looking at them "Sam can see a shrink but I'm not" he looked back up "I'm not the victim, Sam is and he needs help and I'll let him get it."

"You're doing the right thing Dean" Evan said with a halfhearted smile "but maybe you should-"

"-No" Dean cut him off "This is about what's best for Sam!" _'It's always about what's best for Sammy' _he added silently.

"Ok" Evan said admitting defeat "well I have to go check on Sam… when he wakes up you can see him."

"When can he come home?" Dean asked already wanting to get his little brother back.

Evan let out a long sigh and Dean knew bad news was going to follow "not for a while Dean" he saw that Dean was about to object so he quickly added "You'll be able to see him every day Dean, for as long as you want but he needs to stay here. It's what's best for him."

Dean chewed at his bottom lip, he would rather Sam be at home where he could keep an eye on him but Evan said this was what was best for him. So maybe it was and this wasn't about Dean. This was about Sam. "Ok" he said dryly "If it's what's best for Sam."

SNSNSNSN

Dean sat on the edge of Sam's bed, staring down at his brother and he looked so at peace. But there was no peace in their waking life, just pain. But Sam was going to get better, Dean would make him better and Sam was going to get help so that would help. Right? They'd be ok soon and then everything would be back to normal. Dean scoffed at the thought, their lives had never been normal, because he was sure hunting the supernatural wasn't on the list of normal. So maybe in a twisted way this was the closet to normal they'd ever gotten.

Because this stuff only happened to normal people, right? People with lives, jobs, friends and familles. It didn't happen to hunters, it didn't happen to the Winchester's. His Father would have never let this happen, God he would have had Cole dead ten times before he laid a finger on Sammy. But Dean, Dean couldn't do is job right. 'Watch out for Sammy' were his Fathers words, words he was meant to obey but hadn't. He knew he wasn't meant to be blaming himself, because everyone said 'it's not your fault Dean' but it was.

He'd made one mistake and now his life and Sam's life was crushed. Last year was his biggest mistake, he'd been so wrapped up in himself that he didn't stop and he didn't think. He thought it was a load of rubbish, who gets beaten without knowing it. How could he have just dismissed it, after all he'd seen, all he'd done and he just laughed at it? He'd turned his back and Sam paid the price.

If he could, if he had the power, he'd go back in time and prevent it from happening. He'd go to himself and punch himself square in the jaw and tell him not to leave Sam. Tell him not to make the biggest mistake of his life. But Dean didn't have that power so he couldn't change this, he couldn't _save_ Sam. He wished he did, he wished there was something he could do to take the pain away but there was nothing to be found.

Now, _now_ he had to hope, _pray_ that Sam got better and that he'd be ok. That _they'd _both be ok. But from where he sat nothing looked ok. He watched Sam toss and turn in his sleep, pleading, _begging_ not to be hurt. Not to be raped. And he cried out for Dean in his sleep. He began to mutter something about lies and he said, 'Dean loves me and always will.'

He was then silent, still trashing but silent. Then suddenly he was awake, sitting up straight, tears running down his pale cheeks. He was breathing hard, gasping for air. Dean had jumped from his position on the bed and now he was watching as Sam cried for it to all go away, to just 'get out of him'. He wasn't too sure what that meant but he had a basic idea and it sickened him. It sickened him to know what Cole had done, to know he'd enjoyed it, enjoyed tearing Sam apart. Physically and mentally.

Dean wanted to comfort Sam, to just pull him into his arms and make him better. But he was afraid, Sam had pushed him away last night, he'd run and he tried to end his life. And Dean let him. Dean did nothing. But he had to make him better, had to make human again. Sam was now ripping at his skin as though he was trying to rid himself of it, of the shame. Dean wasn't ashamed of Sam, never would be. But he knew Sam was ashamed of himself and he knew he felt dirty and used. And Dean just wanted to make him better.

Make him ok.

Sam however kept ripping at his skin and now he was inflicting some serious damage so Dean had to step in and he was scared as hell. But he gripped Sam's arms and pushed them onto the bed. He could feel Sam trembling beneath his touch but he wasn't letting go, not now, not ever. He offered Sam comforting words and they rolled off his tongue so easily. It was like he had been saying them his whole life.

Sam continued to cry but he did not pull away from Dean, instead he looked up and met Dean's eyes. Dean tried to offer Sam a smile but it didn't even come out half-heartedly because what was there to smile about. Sam shifted his body and Dean lessened his hold on Sam's arms but he wasn't letting go. He would never let go.

"D… Dean" Sam spoke and he sounded so scared but his eyes were pleading, "Help me."

**TBC**

**Please review :)**


	14. Chapter 13 Faded

**Chapter thirteen: Faded**

Dean stared at Sam and the words he spoke repeated themselves in his head. 'Help me' Sam had pleaded but what did it mean? Sure it was simple enough to understand what Sam needed help with or rather what Sam didn't need help with. God, Dean didn't know why he didn't understand what Sam meant, he said help me. But Dean had been trying to help Sam, he'd been trying to fix him, make him better; make him human. He'd been trying so God damn hard to help him. But what the hell did he mean?

He watched as Sam stared at him through teary eyes that were also pleading with his. Sam was perfectly still, not moving, just sobbing. He stared up at Dean like he had the answer; like he could click his fingers and this would all go away. But he couldn't, he couldn't make this better in a second and it was going to take time.

A lot of time.

"Dean…" Sam sobbed and he tried to free his arms but Dean tightened his grip and he saw a small trace of fear in Sam's faded hazel eyes. To prove he was going to do no harm he sat down and gently placed both of Sam's hands on his lap, if only he knew how wrong of a move that was. Sam tried to jerk his arms free, his body was wracked with sobs "Please…" he looked away "don't want to… don't want to hurt anymore… don't make me do it…" he was mumbling now, his words becoming jumbled together but Dean could see the fear plain as day.

"Sam" he spoke trying to keep his voice calm though he was panicking "Sam it's me, you're safe, I'm here" and the words rolled off his tongue like he never stopped saying them.

"Just please" Sam was trying to pull free "Please just… if you're gonna" the rest of the sentence became muffled by a sob and Dean felt his heart aching, but he was sure it always ached these days "Just don't make it hurt… don't wanna hurt anymore."

Dean went rigid; he now knew why Sam was pleading with him. He thought he was going to rape him oh God how stupid was he. He just kept fucking things up, he was scaring Sam when he should be fixing him. _Helping him_. But Dean had just placed Sam's hands on his lap, how did that trigger this? Unless… the next thing Dean knew he was hunched over the toilet, empting last night's dinner into the bowl. Sweat beaded on his forehead and his knuckles turned white from being balled into tight fist.

If Dean had the power he'd bring Cole back just so he could kill him again. God he never thought he could hate someone so much, he'd never felt so much hatred. This hatred was blinding him, tearing him up inside. He stood up and rinsed his mouth out; he could still hear Sam's muffled cries from the bathroom and the anger seared through him. He wanted to smash something, he wanted to scream and he wanted to run. He wanted to run away from all of this but he wouldn't. He would never leave Sam no matter what.

He couldn't.

He needed to calm himself down before he could do any serious damage. He didn't want to lose it and scare Sam, if he could be scared anymore then he already was. Dean took a deep breath and he tried to calm himself down, he told himself that Sam needed him. _His_ Sammy needed him. He slowly turned around and it seemed to take forever to do so. He repressed a sob at the sigh of his brother, his knees were drawn up to his chest and he arms wrapped around them securely. He rocked himself back and forth mumbling incoherent words to himself.

Dean took in another deep breath and crossed the threshold and perched himself beside Sam. He wanted to reach out to him, to say the words he so desperately needed to hear. But he came up blank and he was used to it. He was used to not having anything to say, to not being able to find the right words. But now he had to find the right words, he had to get through to Sam, he had to help him. He tentatively sat down on the bed beside Sam and he slowly reached out, his hand dropping lightly onto Sam's knee.

"Please" Sam pleaded and it hurt, it _hurt_ so much to hear him plea like that "Don't want to feel it."

"Sam it's me" his voice was quivering but he had to help Sammy "Sam you're safe, you're at the hospital, you're safe."

Still Sam sobbed and pleaded, begged not to be hurt.

Dean searched his mind for the right words but all he needed was one, "Baby."

Sam stopped sobbing and slowly looked up, his eyes red from the endless tears "Dean" he spoke in a whispered tone "Don't want to feel him inside me" he continued to tremble but he reached out a shaky hand and Dean took it. "I can feel him," he sobbed "Inside me… I want it to go away… make it go away" now he was pleading with Dean again "it hurts… I don't want to feel him inside me anymore" Sam's head dropped to his chest and he continued to weep.

Dean knew what Sam meant by 'inside of me' and he wished he could make him better but he couldn't. He didn't know. He wasn't sure if he could make the feeling go away, he wanted to, God he wanted to. But he had no way of doing so; he couldn't just take it away because there was nothing to take away. Ok so there was a heap to take away but he couldn't take any of it away. He would if he could but he couldn't.

"Dean please…"

"Sam" Dean held Sam's hand tight, afraid to let go "I can't Kiddo" he wished he didn't have to say that, he wished he could take it away, all of it "But it will go… it will get better." _God please you have to let him get better… please._

"Make it!" Sam shouted after he had raised his head "Dean please… make it go away…" he ripped his hand away from Dean's and started clawing at his skin. "Feel so dirty… don't want to feel him inside me."

Dean took hold of Sam's arms again and pushed them back to the bed "Sam listen" Dean said firmly and he wasn't sure he was keeping his voice from quivering "he's not inside you… Cole" Sam flinched at the name "is dead" Dean's voice softened when he saw Sam flinch just by mentioning his rapist name "he won't hurt you anymore… I promise" the word slipped from Dean's mouth without him realising, God how could he make such a promise when he broke the last.

"Don't promise me that" Sam said soberly "don't ever promise me that" he shouted the last part and Dean felt his heart skip a beat, God he'd fucked up bad. "You can't promise me that" Sam's voice softened "It's not a promise that can be made."

"Sam…"

Sam shook his head which cut Dean's sentence short "Just take the feeling away."

"Sam I can't" Dean said harshly, too harshly.

"But it hurts" Sam sobbed "make it stop please" he looked at Dean with pleading eyes but Dean couldn't help him this time, he couldn't take away the pain. "Dean… please! Why won't you take it away" Sam started to sob uncontrollably and his words were jumbled together until it was just sobs and endless tears. He reached out for Dean but he pulled away and Sam cried out, how could have he just pulled away.

Dean watched as Sam crumbled but he couldn't help him right now, he couldn't take away the pain. He couldn't handle this right now. He slowly rose to his feet and backed away and he cursed Bobby for finding him and Sam. Why didn't he just let them die, why couldn't this nightmare just end. It had to end. It was too much to bear, the pain, the hurt, the guilt. It was all too much.

Dean wanted to escape.

He had to escape.

He turned around so fast that his head spun then he ran. He ran so fast the world around him became a blur or maybe it was just doing it on its own, he didn't know. All he knew was that right now he had to leave, he had to clear his head, he couldn't help Sam right now. He said he wouldn't run from Sam, he said he couldn't. But right now he had to think, he had to try and find away to fix this, he had to find away to help him. Not that he hadn't been trying; God he'd been trying so damn hard but no matter what he was failing. Whenever he managed to make Sam ok the walls would fall down and they were right back to the start. Right back to the very moment Dean found him, beaten and naked in the small cottage in the woods.

When Dean finally stopped he was no longer in the hospital. He didn't know where he was; the world around him was still spinning. He felt his lungs screaming for air and even though he was breathing hard he still wasn't getting enough oxygen in his lungs. There was no air. He collapsed to his knees, his legs burned from the run. He didn't know how long he had been running but it felt like hours but was only minutes.

'_Look after Sammy son'_ his Fathers words whispered in his mind and he felt the darkness pulling him deeper. _'He's your brother Dean, you do anything for him'_ more of his Father's words drilled into his head, repeating in his mind. They became so loud that he had to place his hands over his ears. _'Keep him safe Dean.' _

"I tried" Dean shouted, "I failed Dad! I'm sorry!" he felt tears running down his face and his body was wrecked with repressed sobs "Just wanted to do the right thing, just want to look after Sammy!" he felt his body drop to the floor and he curled up into a little ball "I'm sorry… I'm sorry" he mumbled his apology repeatedly until the darkness closed in.

SNSNSNSN

When night fell Sam lay cuddled up in a small ball, trying to block out the world around him. He could hear the rain pounding down on the roof and every now and then the thunder would roar through the sky. He closed his eyes and tried to block out the storm but when he closed his eyes he saw _him_. Staring at him, hurting him, _touching_ him. Why couldn't he just forget? Why couldn't _they_ just forget? _'We can't Sammy'_ Dean's voice echoed in Sam's mind and he knew it were true. He couldn't forget. There was just no way.

And there was no way to escape either. Death wouldn't come for any of them. Sam had tried to end his own life but it had failed. He'd wanted so much to succumb to the endless darkness, to find peace and safety but he'd _failed._ He should have taken all the pills or maybe he should have tied Dean up so he couldn't have called the Ambulance or maybe he should have just jumped in front of a bus. Of course that would involve leaving the house and in doing so someone… someone like Cole could have gotten him again.

He was not safe anymore, not that he had ever really been safe but this was different. Once the only thing he feared where demons but now, _now_ he feared humans as well. Was there no one he could trust? Were they even a difference between people and demons or were they all the same? Was Dean the same? Would his brother change? Turn into someone like Cole. '_No_.' Sam told himself _'Dean is not like _him _he will protect me.'_ But why'd he leave? Was this just too much to bear? Maybe he couldn't deal with it anymore.

And he had to escape.

Sam would have done the same if he could. But running wouldn't help, the pain, the fear, the humiliation would not leave. He could run for miles and miles but it would all stay, there was no escaping. No _forgetting. _Sam felt the tears sting his eyes and he tried to blink them away but there was no point, they would fall. They always fell.

He pulled his knees closer to his chest and he wished that Dean were here. To wipe away his tears and to tell him everything was going to be ok, even if it wasn't. Sam felt safe with him here, he would protect him, he would take away the pain. Right? But Sam had asked him to take away the pain but he said he couldn't. How could that be true? Dean could always make Sam better; he could always take away the pain. So why wouldn't he this time? Did he not love him? Was what Cole said true and the past few weeks had just been an act? Did Dean just feel bad that Sam had been hurt and he was just doing this for him?

God of course Dean hated him, he was weak, dirty and used. He was a burden to him, to his Father, to Bobby; hell he was burden to everyone he ever knew. He should have died last night…

He should have just faded away.

SNSNSNSN

_Three… four… five… _Dean counted every piece of furniture in the hospital room that he was staying in. He'd run off before but it hadn't taken long for Bobby to find him. He wasn't sure how long he had been gone but all he knew was that it was now night. The room was dark; the only source of light was from the moon and a small amount seeped under the door. He was otherwise cloaked in darkness, not that he cared. He wasn't really aware of his surroundings, only the five objects he counted. The rest of the world didn't exist to him, only the darkness. It was welcoming though, made him feel safe and secure.

At that he nearly laughed, safe? Secure? Why would he need to feel them, he didn't deserve too. He hadn't gone without the feeling of comfort safety or security. Sam had though. He knew what it was like to feel afraid, to really fear for his life. He knew what it was like to want death, to seek it. To hope and pray it came and when it didn't he wouldn't cry, just pray harder. Dean knew none of this; he was never hurt so violently, never left without any hope. He didn't have faith, never had but he had hope and it had never really been taken away from him.

But now he was struggling to see hope, to see the light. Because all he saw was the darkness, the darkness that was riddled with guilt. The guilt was eating him away, it was killing him and Sam suffered for it. Because Dean couldn't see past the guilt and he straggled to help Sam move past this. And the more Sam suffered the guiltier Dean became. How could he be acting like the victim? How could he have run? How could have he nearly let Sam die? How could of he let this happen?

He bit down on his lip and drew blood but he didn't care, because he felt no pain. He could have walked through fire and he would have felt nothing, not the heat, nor the burning, he would have felt nothing. Because all he felt was the guilt, it was weaving around him, pulling him into its murky waters. But that would be ok, because once he was gone someone else, some better, could take care of Sam. Because all he did was screw up and Sam had payed for it, because this was all his fault.

Suddenly the door cracked open and a stream of light flooded into the room. Dean shut his eyes; the light was far too bright. He vaguely wondered who was coming in to see him, he was sure Bobby had gone home and Evan was busy with Sam. So who could this be? Sam? No. Sam was resting, he wasn't allowed anywhere without permission. So he was disturbing him? Couldn't he just be left alone?

The door opened fully and the light was switched on and damn it was bright. He rolled over and hid beneath the covers, he didn't want to talk and he didn't want the light on. He hoped it might just be a nurse but they didn't usually turn the lights on, so who could it be? He really didn't care; he just wanted to be alone. But the person in the room wasn't going to grant him his wish.

The covers were pulled away and the light stung his eyes, he groaned then tried to reach for the covers. But they were pulled away from him and he was forced to open his eyes and face his intruder. When his eyes opened all he saw was a white light, he blinked a few times and the white slowly turned into a face. He was so surprised by the face that he was sure he was dreaming, why was she here?

"Well Dean Winchester its good to see you again" her voice was to loud for him, he winced from the abuse on his ears "I wish it was on better circumstances though" she said down on the bed and it dipped from her weight "I'm so sorry hon" she smiled sympathetically at him "what's happened… its not fair" she chose her words carefully "it's a lot to deal with but it will get better."

Dean shook his head in disbelief "why are you here Missouri? How'd you even know where to find us?" his voice seemed to crack as he spoke but it regained some volume "how can you say it will get better when you don't even know what we've been though?"

"I know what happened Dean" Missouri kept her voice firm "I dreamt it, last night, I saw you and Sam and I saw how broken you two were" she paused to wait and see if Dean had had any more questions but he stayed silent "I know what's happened Dean, I know what happened this year and last and I'm here to help you two."

"You get all of that from one dream?" Dean asked tersely.

"Well no" she confessed, "when I arrived here I met up with Bobby and I sensed the distress then he thought about what happened to Sam and what happened to you."

"So you then decided that you could help us" Dean asked sharply "thought you'd pick a few brains and you'd understand everything Sam went through, thought you could just come here and say 'it will get better'?" Dean swallowed the dry lump in his throat "well I'm sorry Missouri but you can't just come out of nowhere and pretend you know it all when you no nothing! And you can't say that everything will get better when it's screwed to hell!" he yelled the last part his anger getting the better of him.

"Of course not Dean" she snapped "I didn't think I could turn up and magically make everything better but I knew I could help make things better" she said composed "and I feel what you're feeling now, not all of it but most of it and Dean please stop blaming yourself" she seemed to be pleading with him, practically begging him "you couldn't have known, not this year nor last, it was never your fault and the sooner you realise it the sooner you can help Sam" she watched as Dean looked a way and she knew this was so hard for him, it was hurting him so much "Dean, hon please."

Dean ignored Missouri completely; she had no right to be here. She had no right to tell him that this wasn't his fault, because it was, he'd tried to forgive, himself but he couldn't. He was to blame. Everything that happened to Sam was his fault, the torture, the rape. He let it happen; he'd been stupid, careless and Sam had payed for it. It was his fault and no matter which way you looked at it, it would still be his fault.

"Why do you think that?" Missouri asked softly and Dean was startled back to reality.

"Because it's true," Dean hissed through gritted teeth, she should really stay out of his thoughts.

"Dean if you don't stop this bullshit I will wack you with my spoon" she said loudly and it hurt Dean's ears again "I'm gonna be honest with you boy and you better listen to me or I'm going to repeat it until it drives you insane" she noticed Dean had looked away and she jerked his face back to hers, his eyes looking with her chocolate ones "This. Is. Not. Your. Fault" she emphasised each word "no matter how bad you feel, no matter how much guilt is eating away it you, you have to except the fact that this isn't your fault."

"I can't."

"Yes you can Dean," she said firmly "you have to know that this would have happened even if you and Sam never fought."

This got Dean's full attention. What the hell did she mean by that? Of course it wouldn't have happened if they never fought, he would have stayed and Sam would have never left. It was the simple. "What do you mean?" he found himself asking though he thought what she said was shit.

"Even if you and Sam never fought before this it would have still happened, Cole had found you two Dean, he knew where you were and he was waiting for the right time and eventually you and Sam would have separated" she reached out and took his hand "he would have been taken no matter what Dean."

Dean felt himself buying what Missouri said but still the fight was the reason "what about last year?"

"Cole saw Sam before he returned to Lola's house" she replied "he had already marked Sam as his, that's why he killed Lola" she squeezed his hand softly "so no matter what it could never have been your fault."

"How the fuck do you know all this?" Dean demanded, "You weren't even there!"

She let out a long sigh "Dean I'm a psychic that's how I know!"

"You can't pull facts outta thin air Missouri" Dean said brusquely "Bullshit however you can."

"Alright fine" she said throwing her hands up in defence "I went and saw someone who can."

"You went and told some stranger our problems" Dean's eyes browse knitted together.

"Yes" she said and she didn't seem bothered by it "Because even before I came here I could feel your guilt so I went and saw Mortan, an old friend of mine, and he can see what could have been."

"So this is the truth right?" Dean asked, "no matter what Sam would have been… hurt?"

"Yes Dean" Missouri said sadly "Cole marked Sam the moment he saw him and no matter what he would have gotten him."

Dean looked down and he felt tears sting his eyes. The guilt was slowly seeping away but the pain was still the same, the pain of knowing that no matter what he did, no matter how hard he'd tried, Sam still would have been raped. He couldn't have saved Sam from this but he could make him better, he could make him ok.

Yeah he could make him ok.

**TBC**

**Sorry for the late update :( please forgive me**


	15. Chapter 14 Never Alone

**Chapter fourteen: Never Alone**

The morning sun seeped through the small crack in the curtain. The beam of light went directly to Sam's eyes; bringing him back to his living nightmare. He groaned softly then rolled over to face away from the light. He pulled the blankets over his head and made himself as small as possible, hoping to just disappear, hoping that the world would disappear too. He wanted to fade away and not bother anyone again, not _bother_ Dean again. But he wasn't fading away and the world around him wouldn't disappear, instead the light grew brighter and the darkness lifted. Well sort of, the darkness never really left. It seemed to hover over him like a storm cloud and it was impossible for the sun to break through.

But maybe if he stayed here long enough he'd disappear, _maybe._ He could try though, he could just stay here and maybe everyone would forget about him. He could just fade away. But soon the minutes turned into hours and he still hadn't faded away, he was still there, still suffering. He rolled over to lie on his back, his eyes going to the white ceiling. He would have started counting the cracks if there were some, but the roof was so perfect, unlike him. He was burdened; he was _a _burden yet he wouldn't fade away.

Maybe he should try and end his life again, the first attempt had failed but maybe he should try something different. He could jump off the roof of the hospital, but it wasn't really that high. He could walk out into the street and wait for that bus, unfortunately that meant going outside and outside wasn't safe. Someone like _Cole_ could be waiting for him, waiting to hurt him, waiting to… _rape_ him. And that's when all the walls fell down, he let out a loud sob and the tears cascaded down. He didn't want to believe it; he'd even been in denial but there was no denying it.

He'd been raped. By the same twisted person who'd raped him last year. The truth hurt like hell and now he wanted death so much more, he was seeking it. He wanted so badly to just escape the pain of the memory and now that he had admitted it to himself the memory was so much more vivid. He could taste Cole; he could practically feel him kissing him, forcing apart his lips. He shuddered at the thought.

He rolled over and curled back into a tight ball, surprised at how tiny he seemed to be these days. Not that he really cared, maybe if he got smaller he might just fade away and no one would hurt him again. No one would force him to do things he didn't want to do and no one would force themselves on him. As he continued to cry he realised he was never going to just_ fade away. _He would forever be a burden to Dean, to those he loved and he was too much of a wimp to end it himself.

He felt the tears running down his cheeks but he didn't want to wipe them away, he wanted Dean to. He wanted Dean here with him, comforting him but Sam knew that it wasn't going to happen. Dean had run off last night and he hadn't seen him since then, he wasn't sure if he'd seen anyone since then but he could of; he just didn't remember. What he did remember though was Dean pulling away from him, Dean refusing to take away the pain.

God he must have looked so weak… so _pathetic. _So unworthy of Dean's attention, of Dean's love. He was a shame to this family, his Father would have never let anyone torture or rape him, Dean would have never let anyone even come close to that. But Sam, Sam was useless and weak and it had happened to him and he deserved it. It was his punishment for being weak and he deserved all the pain he got and all the pain he still felt.

He swallowed hard and tried to control the sobs but they kept coming and his body was shaking violently from them. He closed his eyes and tried to pretend that he was elsewhere, somewhere with Dean. But he felt regret at thinking about Dean, he wasn't even sure he deserved to think of him, remember him. He didn't want to forget him but he didn't deserve to remember him.

He was at a loss at what to do, at what to think. He felt the tears increase and he was sure he hadn't stopped crying since Dean first found him, beaten, naked and broken. Dean should have just walked away from him. He should have laughed at how weak and how _pathetic_ he was. Then he should of let Cole finish him off. He wouldn't have suffered much longer; Cole would have eventually have lost his temper and killed him. Not on purpose of course, Cole loved fucking Sam too much to end him.

And the tears continued to fall and he felt so alone. But it was short lived because the door swung open and a familiar and friendly face appeared beside him. He wasn't sure if he was just seeing things or not, but he was surprised to see the person before him. He slowly sat up, sobs still wracking his tender body. The woman before him offered him a halfhearted smile then sat down next to him. Sam would have usually pulled away from anyone that wasn't Dean but he didn't feel frightened by her.

"Sam" she spoke seeming unsure of what to say, "how are you holding up?"

Sam didn't reply at first, he wasn't sure what to say, what could he say to 'how are you holding up?' maybe fine but that was a lie and he had a feeling she'd see right through it. He could go with the truth but he didn't know what to say, he felt so many different things, ashamed, sad, scared, angry, hated. "Not so well" he finally said and it was the best he could come up with.

"I guess that was a silly question" she tried to smile but it didn't quiet reach her eyes "I know what's happened Sam, but its going to be ok" she reached for his hand but he jerked it away, he hated people touching his hand, only Dean could; on occasion. "It's a long story but I know what Cole did to you" Sam flinched at the name and he wondered if he'd always flinch "I know it seems hard Sam but it will get better, its just going to take time" she went as though nothing had happened.

Sam looked away, she sounded just like Dean, 'it will get better, its just gonna take time' but Sam was sick of hearing it. He wasn't getting better, he was getting worse. He was such a burden to his brother, to everyone and he didn't deserve their compassion or love. He deserved to be hated, loathed even but not their love, never again did he deserve to be loved.

"You do Sam" Missouri said firmly "and you still are."

Sam looked back at her, confusion written on his face.

"I know what you're thinking" she said smugly "and I'm tellin' ya this, you are not hated or loathed but you are loved" she cupped his chin. "I know you feel like a burden Sam but you are not" she tried to smile again but it still didn't work "Dean loves you Sam and he is ready to help you, he is ready to make you better."

"But I am a burden" he said looking away "I'm a Winchester and I get raped and not just once" tears stung his eyes but he tried to force them back "I let myself get taken, tortured and you expect me to agree with you! I am a burden and I am weak!"

"Everyone has their weakness Sam" she let go of chine but no way was she giving up "but you are not weak, you are so strong Sam" she emphasised so "you managed to hold on when others would have given up, you've come back from the brink of destruction and you put a smile on your face and you made everyone proud."

Sam disagreed; he certainly hadn't made anyone proud recently.

"Your brother thought he was going to loss you last year and he was so proud of you for pulling through and becoming yourself again" Missouri went on "and he knows, and I know, that you can do it this time."

"How?" Sam asked in a muffled voice.

"By believing you can," she said with another attempted at a smile and this time it looked genuine "you don't have to face this alone" Sam looked back and locked eyes with her and he could see the tears in them "You're never alone Sam."

Sam felt the tears running down his cheek, the feeling was so familiar to him by now "so Dean doesn't hate me?"

"No" she said letting her own tears fall "he loves you and he wants you to get better."

San wiped the tears away with his good hand "what if it happens again?" his voice cracked as he spoke "what if when everything gets better it all gets destroyed again?"

"It wont hon," she said and she hoped to God she was right.

"It wasn't supposed to last time but it did" he wailed "everything was just starting to get a lot easier when he found me…" Sam broke off into a sob "it took so long to get over it…" tears fell and his breathing became ragged from the sobs "what if I get better then it all gets ripped away, what if I'm not meant to get better?"

"Sam you are meant to get better" she moved closer to him, pulling him in for a hug and he didn't protest "and you will get better and this time no one is going to hurt you."

"How do you know?" he asked sobbing.

"Because I'm not going to let it."

Sam pulled out of the embrace when he heard the familiar and comforting voice "But-"

Dean lifted his hand to silence Sam "no buts Sam" he walked over to him and sat down next to Sam, who immediately snuggling into his side "It won't happen again and you wanna know how I know?"

"How?" Sam asked in a tear-choked voice.

"Because I'm an awesome brother" he grinned "and no one will be allowed twenty feet near you without my permission" he hugged Sam tight then pressed a chaste kiss to the side of his face "I love you and I will not let anyone hurt you, ok."

Sam smiled half-heartedly at his big brother "Ok" he said and this time he knew he everything would be ok.

SNSNSNSN

The following day found Sam snuggling into Dean's side, practically hiding or trying to. He was waiting for Ross Harley, the psychologist or in Dean's case the shrink. He was not looking forward to seeing the psychologist; he wasn't really in the mood to have some stranger know all his problems. Though Dean had said it was a good idea to see him so if Dean said so then it must be. Still didn't mean he had to like it though.

As the door open Sam huddled closer to Dean, he knew he must look like a scared puppy but he didn't care. He was scared, scratch that he was terrified, every since Cole he feared strangers. He hated seeing the pity in their eyes, he could see them judging him, seeing how much of a burden he was. But Dean had said Sam was not a burden and that was that. Sam was not a burden. Full stop. Period.

The man stepped into the room and Sam, if possible, snuggled closer to Dean. He studied the man from behind Dean; he had a grey mustache and grey hair to match. He smiled softly at Sam, his eyes crinkled around the edges. Sam studied the rest of him, making sure he was not a threat. Then again Dean was in the room and he wouldn't let anyone hurt Sam.

But the man before Sam seemed harmless. He reached out his hand and shook Dean's while offering small talk but Sam didn't pay attention, he was shaking too much. Dean had turned around and pulled Sam onto his lap, something he hadn't done in years. Sam looped his arms around Dean's neck and buried his face in his chest, taking in the smell that was Dean. He could feel Dean softly caressing his back while whispering words of comfort and it reminded him so much of being young. Only that seemed like another life.

"Sam" came the soft voice that was the Doctor "My name's Ross Harley."

Sam didn't let go of Dean nor did he turn to face the Doctor "Sam" he mumbled in reply not wanting to be rude, years of manners getting the better of him.

"I'm not going to hurt you Sam" he assured but Sam didn't believe it. "I'm here to talk with you about what happen recently" he said composed yet Sam flinched and snuggled closer to Dean.

"Hey Kiddo" Dean pulled back so he could look at Sam "he won't hurt you, you'll be fine."

Sam shook his head and buried his face back in brother's chest, he could feel Dean's body slightly rocking back and forwards and the movement was calming and comforting.

"Sam come on" Dean pulled back again but he wasn't about to get Sam off his lap "he won't hurt you."

Sam looked away from Dean to the psychologist, he smiled softly at him and he seemed harmless as he thought. He shifted his body but didn't get off Dean, he was safe here, he couldn't even get a chance to hurt him. "Hi" Sam said and he sounded so stupid.

"Hi there Sam" the Doctor said softly "You can call me Ross" he smiled a little bit winder and Sam wondered how he could smile so much "can I call you Sam or Samuel?"

"S… Sam" his voice cracked as he spoke.

"Well Sam, Doctor Markovic explained a bit about why you're here in regards to the past year, and well basically I'm here for you to talk to, to be that person who wont judge you and who can give you a completely unbiased, outside opinion. I'm here to help you Sam, in anyway I can."

Sam nodded as he drew his legs up onto the bed, still staying on Dean's lap "Um… ok sure" he said shyly.

"Ok so Sammy."

Sam nearly jumped out of his skin at the mention of it; he wrapped his arms tightly around Dean and started to sob into his chest, his body shaking with the sobs. In his mind he could hear Cole saying his name, screaming it out as he used his body for his own pleasure. He shrived at the thought and cried harder.

"You dick!" Dean chastised the shrink "he hates being called that" he said bitterly then his anger died away "its ok Sam" he said stroking his hair "I'm here, its not Cole" Dean pressed a soft kiss to his baby brothers forehead then continued with his steady stream of words.

A few minutes later Sam settled down and turned back to face Ross "Sorry" he mumbled, "I can't stand being called… _that._"

"Why is that Sam?" Ross asked in a calm voice.

"Cole called him it" Dean replied hastily "so don't call him it ok!"

"I won't, sorry" he apologised "But perhaps we should talk alone Sam."

Sam started trembling again "No… no nonononononono" he said incoherently "don't want Dean to leave, not safe without him, he'll get me."

"No one will hurt you Sam" Ross replied.

"Don't want Dean to leave," he sobbed.

"I really need to talk with you on your own Sam" he argued.

"You'll be ok Sam" Dean said already sliding him off his lap "I will be right out the door."

Sam gripped at Dean like a scared child but the look in Dean's eyes said he could trust the Doctor "OK" he gave a stiff nod "I'll be safe" he repeated to himself so he believed it.

"Yes you will" Dean said then glared at the Doc "If you need me I will be right in."

"Of course" the Doctor mouthed.

Dean then quickly detached himself from Sam and exited the room before it got too hard.

Sam drew his legs up to his chest and made himself look as small as possible, he could feel himself shaking but he didn't care. He just wanted to get this done so he could be with Dean again.

"So Sam" Ross said taking a seat "why can't anyone call you-"

"-Dean told you!" Sam interrupted rudely "Cole called me it!"

"Yes" he nodded and wrote something down on his clipboard "but what was the circumstance when Cole called you it?"

Sam's jaw flexed, he wasn't ready to talk about this.

"Sam its ok" he assured "You can tell me."

Sam looked away, not wanting to see the disgrace in the doctor's eyes when he told him "he called me it… when… when he was raping me" Sam gave a quick glance at the Doctor but there was no disgrace in his eyes.

Sam flinched but said no more and the psychologist thought it would be best to change the subject.

"Do you know why you are back here?" Ross tried again.

Sam nodded but avoided making eye contact with the psychologist.

"In my report it says you tried to take the majority of your pills at once? Why did you do that? Why then, not sooner?" He pushed.

"I… I've thought about it. Heaps. But I was so scared, and… and I needed to escape, I didn't want to hurt anymore." Sam said, still not looking up.

"Ok, so what made you scared Sam? What was different?"

"Dean is always around…"

"And he wasn't that night?"

"I… I hit him, and locked the door, he didn't come back,"

"Have you ever hit your brother before Sam?"

"No, I don't want to be like _him_"

"Like who?"

"Cole," Sam said in a whisper, as if saying his name would make him appear.

"So then why did you do it Sam?" he pressed.

"Cause I needed to! I needed to end it! I couldn't live like that anymore!" Sam said, his voice rising with each word.

"It's ok Sam, calm down. What made you scared that night in particular?"

"A dream…" He whispered.

"And do you have these dreams often?"

Sam was surprised that Ross didn't ask about what the dreams were about, but he was glad he didn't have to explain them again. "Every night," his voice still low.

"It did only happen recently Sam, the pain of it all is still so fresh in your mind, it is expected that you are reliving that time, even mixing it up with loved ones…"

"How did you know that? Get out of my head!" Sam yelled.

"Shh Sam, I didn't know that for sure, but it is a common thing for people that have been abused,"

"Sorry," he said whispering again.

"It's ok Sam, I should have explained myself first. Tell me though, when you wake from one of these nightmares, how do you feel?"

"I… I don't know…"

"Think about it Sam, take your time, explain it to me," he said not letting it go.

"I feel dirty. I can feel him touching me and his words, in my head, and it hurts, it always hurts! And, and I don't know! I just feel wrong!" Sam said sobbing once more.

While Sam continued to cry, Ross stood and opened the door motioning for Dean to come inside. Dean immediately rushed to Sam's side and pulled his baby brother into a gentle embrace, holding him and soothing him with gentle words. Dean moved to sit behind Sam and pulled his little brother against his chest as he continued to cry, raking his hand through Sam's hair Dean whispered; "Shh there you go Sam, let it out," and continued to rock their bodies together.

Once Sam settled down a bit more Ross said; "Sam? Are you alright if we continue? Maybe Dean can stay with us too?" He suggested.

Sam was still a bit shaky but he nodded his head in agreement.

"Ok, good," Ross said giving a soft smile. "Sam, can I ask Dean some questions now?" Ross asked making sure Sam was involved in the decision, giving him some sense of control.

"Sure, I guess," Sam mumbled against Dean's chest.

"Dean, I want to know how you're going with all of this, it must be hard for you to deal with too right?" He asked.

"Why are you asking me? I mean I ain't the victim here! I didn't get attacked!" Dean yelled, holding Sam closer to him, he felt Sam tense at the raised voice.

"I know that it was Sam who suffered, but you are involved in every aspect of what is going on with Sam, we are helping Sam just like you are, but we also have to make sure you don't get sick, I want to know how you are dealing because it is just as important as it is for Sam, if you aren't coping well, how do you expect Sam to?" He questioned.

"Ok." Dean said looking down; "I ain't coping all that well I guess," He admitted softly.

"How so?" Ross pressed.

"I… I'm not sleeping so much, and I'm always worried about Sam, and you know, stressed…"

"And feeling guilty?" The psychologist put in.

"Um, well yeah, after… after the first time, I promised Sam that it wouldn't happen again. But it did." Dean said not looking at Sam or the doctor.

"But you know you can't promise something like that, no matter how good of a big brother you are. I think what you really promised is that Sam would always be protected, and will always feel protected by you, am I right?"

"Um, I guess, it's my job ya know?"

"Yes, and you have been, you got Sam out of there right? And you are helping him now? That's protecting him, you haven't broken your promise," Ross explained.

Dean nodded his head and held Sam tighter. Something in his chest lifted. He was still protecting his Sam. He was still keeping his promise; he was still being a good big brother. Dean let a few tears slip through; he was hearing something he didn't even know he needed to hear.

"Thank you. So much," Dean said his lips against Sam's head.

"It's nothing, I would say it's just my job, but this isn't just a job for me," Ross said smiling. "I think I might leave you guys alone now, but I really want you guys to talk to each other more, talk to others as well, especially you Dean, don't deal with it all yourself. Let others help. And Sam, I'd like you to maybe start writing a journal…" he started, but was stopped when Sam whimpered and let out another sob, burrowing his head in further.

"Sam? What's wrong with writing in a journal?" He asked.

"I can't," he whined.

"Why can't you Sam?"

"Probably because it is such a girly thing to do. Right Sam?" Dean joked trying to calm his brother down.

Sam shot his brother a look, "My… My hand, it doesn't work, I can't write with it," Sam said, feeling worse than he was to begin with.

"Shit, I'm sorry Sam!" Dean apologised.

"Me too Sam. But I'm sure you can still type, if not with that hand, maybe the other one, Do you have a laptop you can use?" both brothers nodded, "Well then I suggest you use that, write about anything you want, you know; how you are feeling, what your dreams are about, those sort of things," he explained standing to leave.

"Oh…Ok…" Sam said, leaving Dean to shake Dr Harely's hand.

"Thanks Doc," Dean said. And for once, he meant it.

**TBC**

**If I get three reviews by tomorrow I will update the following day :)**


	16. Chapter 15 Better in Time

**Chapter fifteen: Better in Time**

The cool air-conditions greeted Dean as he walked into the hospital; the white walls and occasional picture were so familiar to him. He knew this hospital like the back of his hand. He could walk through it blindfolded he knew it that well, he however hated the fact he knew it this well. He hated it because it had now been a week since the night Sam tried to take his own life. A week of none stop stress for Dean and of course Bobby who was worried Dean would collapse any minute. But Dean wasn't falling down anytime soon.

He had a job to do and even though he wasn't alone he still felt like he owed it to Sam to put all he had into doing it. He was no longer riddle with guilt though, he now knew that none of this was his fault; he couldn't have done anything to change it. But he could make it better, he could make Sam better. It was his job after all and no one did it as well as Dean.

He rounded the corner and walked past the nursers station, they looked over the counter and their eyes went to the Border collie that followed in his footsteps. Doctor Markovic and Ross Harley, the phycologist, agreed that it would be a good idea for Sam to have Tristan come and see him, since it helped him so much last time. So Dean had left Sam to go fetch the pup since Bobby was out of town at the moment. He was away on a hunt, helping an old friend, and Dean had wanted to go too. He missed the thrill of a hunt but he wasn't going anywhere until Sam was better again. He wouldn't leave his brother no matter how crazy the white walls made him.

He hated the white walls with a passion; it all seemed so unfriendly, so _familiar. _The white walls were forever imprinted in his mind and it was like a nightmare. These white walls held so many painful memories and he was sure if he saw another hospital in his life it would be too soon. He just wanted to get Sam out of here, take him somewhere else. Somewhere safe. But where was safe? What was safe? They had never really known the feeling of safety, of security. So where could they go that was safe? Somewhere where no one and no thing could hurt them.

Somewhere that just didn't exist.

Not for them anyway.

But that didn't mean that Dean wasn't going to do his best to keep Sam safe, to make him feel safe. He would do anything for Sam and he would do this, even if it meant never hunting again. He would do that for Sam. He reached Sam's room and peeked in before entering, Sam was sitting cross-legged on the bed typing away. Dean wasn't sure if he had even heard him approaching and he didn't want to frighten him. He however didn't have a say in the matter because Tristan broke free of Dean and jumped onto the bed.

Sam jumped in surprised but when he saw his friendly companion he immediately pulled him onto his lap and buried his face in his fur. Dean smiled at the sight then walked over to him, sitting down on the end of the bed. He felt a small smile grace his face and he could feel hope swelling within him. Sam was going to be ok, he just needed time, time was going to fix this.

Time and Dean.

However there were something time and Dean couldn't fix and that was Sam's ruined hand. He couldn't use it for anything, it was useless and it pained Dean to know that. He could see the frustration on his face at times, see the tears glisten in his eyes. He knew Sam was hurting because he couldn't do anything and in return Dean was hurting. He wished he could just fix his hand but like so many other things he couldn't.

He could only hope that somehow a miracle would happen and it would get better. However things had a funny way of going in the opposite direction for Sam and Dean. Just when everything looked better the walls started to fall down. And the day turned to shit when the door opened and Evan stepped in, his face glum. Sam was immediately in Dean's arms; the tray table with the laptop were pushed aside.

Dean subconsciously started to stroke his fingers through Sam's unruly hair, offering comfort before he heard the news. He watched Evan like a hawk, daring him to speak. He seemed to be having trouble though; he had grown found of the boys. He sat down on the chair before them and rested his clipboard on his lap.

"What's up doc?" Dean asked when he didn't speak.

"I have some not so good news," he said with a sigh.

Dean felt Sam tremble beside him, God why did this keep happening "well" he said dryly.

"Remember the other day when the burn specialist came?" he asked and they both nodded "well he said that your hand is…" he paused, studying both their expression "he said its severely damaged" he spat out, wanting to get this done.

"Which means" Dean asked, being Sam's voice.

"It means" he looked down at the ground, not wanting to see the grief in their eyes "it means that there is a possibility of amputation-" he didn't get to say anymore because Dean had jumped to his feet, leaving Sam to cuddle Tristan.

"No way!" he shouted, "Sam will not have his hand amputated!" he pounced the word with venom "you will find some other way and you'll fix it but he will not be losing any body parts! Not now! Not ever!"

Evan rose to his feet "Please Dean" he said as composed as he could "Calm down, your scaring Sam!"

Dean spun around to see that Sam was now laying on his side with Tristan cuddling into his stomach. "Sam I'm sorry" he sat down next to him and offered comforting words as he caressed his hair.

"Dean" he said softly "I'm sorry that its come to this but… Sam's hand will never work again, his nerves are damaged beyond repair and his skin was burnt so badly that it has to be removed. We really should have done it when he first came in but I wanted to see if there was a chance but there isn't and I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't going to fix this Doc" Dean growled.

"You're right" he sighed "but there is an up side."

"Oh really" Dean asked bitterly "do we get another downside with it?"

Evan ignored Dean and turned to look at Sam, who was sobbing softly "Sam" he moved so he was kneeling down before him "I know this will be hard for you but once we remove your hand we can fit you with a prosthetic hand and it will be able to do everything a normal hand can do" he watched as Sam looked up at him, his eyes glistening with tears yet burning with questions "technology has come a long way and we've learnt how to make it move and look just like a real hand."

"But it won't be the same" Dean hissed.

"But it will be better then having a damaged hand" Evan replied firmly.

"I agree" Sam mumbled "I want to be able to use my hand and if this is the only way then I'll do it" he swallowed at the end, trying to dislodge the lump in his throat.

"You're being very brave Sam" Evan praised, "So if I get a consent form will you sign it for Sam, Dean?" he asked looking up at the older brother.

"Yeah I will," he said gradually "for Sam."

"Ok then" Evan then stood and excused himself from the room, giving the brothers some time alone to deal with the new news.

"You don't have to Sam" Dean said laying down next to him and wrapping one hand around his waist "it might get better."

"No it won't Dean" he sobbed into Tristan's fur "and you know it."

"I just don't want you to have to go through this" he snuggled closer to Sam, knowing he needed the comfort "You've already been through so much."

"It will be ok" Sam said blinking away the tears "at least I will be able to hunt again."

"Sam" Dean stroked away the bang from his eyes "I don't care if we don't hunt again I just want you to be happy."

"But I need to do this, I want to be helpful and I see this as the only way" Sam murmured, suddenly tired

"Ok Sam I understand."

"Thank you Dean" Sam said drifting off to sleep.

"No need to thank me baby boy," he before succumbing to the darkness.

SNSNSNSN

Doctor Evan had returned with the consent forms a short while later, but seeing the boys sound asleep he left them above Sam's closed laptop. Heaving a sigh he left the room quietly, wishing that none of this had ever happened.

Dean was awoken by the sound of the door closing; he looked up to see the retreating shadow of the doctor. Looking around the room, Dean saw the thin folder; in it he knew were Sam's papers and they sat there like an omen, taunting Dean with his failures. He ran his fingers through Sam's hair, absently thinking about the fact that Sam would need it cut soon, and then snuggled in closer towards his baby brother.

Dean lay there thinking for what seemed like hours, but could have only been minutes. He was replaying everything of the past day, the past week; even the past month in his mind, trying to think of something else that could have been done, or could still be done to save Sam. But nothing came to mind.

Dean sat up, Sam turning over to curl closer to Dean's side, and pulled the rolling table and the laptop towards him. He moved the papers to one side without another thought, not yet ready to sign them, and turned the laptop on. It loaded with little sound, something Dean was extremely grateful for, and he set to work, first hacking into the hospital's wireless internet.

There had to be something more they could do. Something the doctors hadn't thought of yet.

Something supernatural?

The thought plagued Dean's mind, maybe there was some spell, some ritual that he could do to heal all the wounds, to make the pain go away, or at least to make the evidence disappear.

He searched on into the day, finally giving up at sunset. By that time he had several pages book marked, but no serious leads that he could follow. He would just have to wait for Bobby to return.

Sighing once more, he shut the computer off and lay down once again. His mind was full of thoughts flying around, so much so that he didn't think he would be able to sleep. Closing his eyes, his mind settled on one thought; _help Sammy_, and that was all he needed, his body relaxing as sleep took over. It however didn't last long; he must have only been asleep for a few minutes when he was woken. His eyes fluttered open and he saw that Sam was sitting up gasping for air.

Dean immediately sat up, his arms wrapping around Sam and holding him in a protective embrace. He soothed Sam with the usually words, 'its ok, I'm here, your safe'. These words rolled off his tongue with eases, following into the familiar pattern. Soon Sam relaxed and the tears subsided, but there would be more, there always was.

Sam half turned his body so he could hide his face in Dean's chest. He did this a lot lately, tried to disappear into his brother, disappear from the cruel world that surrounded them. But there was no hiding from the world's evil, it followed them everywhere, it always had. Though once the evil they dealt with was demons, now the evil was both demons and humans. Dean had always said people were crazy, that he understood demons more them humans. Demons were made to be evil, to kill, to hurt, to destroy. But people, people were different. Some were kind, so very kind and some were pure evil, so evil they might as well be demons themselves.

But Sam had seen the world differently. He saw demons then he saw humans. Demons were evil, humans were not, and that was how Sam saw it. Now all that had changed. Demons were evil and so were humans. He could only trust the ones he knew, the ones who would never hurt him like Cole had. He had lost trust in the world, he feared it, he feared the demons and now the humans too. Anyone of them could be like Cole; anyone of them could want to hurt him. But even though it seemed like his life was over, that he was forever trapped in this dark place, he knew there was a light. And he saw it every time he looked at his brother's face.

"What did you dream about?" Dean asked caressing Sam's hair.

"Isn't it obvious" Sam mumbled.

Dean sighed then buried his face in Sam's unruly hair "what happened in the dream?" he said trying to mimic the shrink, they had both been told to discuss the dreams together.

"The usual."

Dean hugged Sam closer, he knew what the usually meant. It meant Sam had dreamt of being tortured and raped. He was forever plagued by the terrifying nightmares and Dean was helpless, unable to take them away. Unable to make this all go away. Unable to change what had been done but he could change what was to happen. He could make it better, make Sam better.

He just needed a miracle.

SNSNSNSN

"Come on Missouri" Dean dropped down onto the wooden bench beside her. He'd been begging Missouri to help him find a cure for Sam's hand; anything at all but she seemed reluctant to help. He only a short time to convince her though, Sam was with Ross Harley, the shrink. At the moment but he would want Dean back as soon as the session was over. "There has to be something" he stared at her with pleading eyes, hoping, praying; she'd have an answer for him. A miracle.

"Dean, hon, I can look and I will… but I don't think there is" she said sighing, "even if I did find something it would most likely take dark magic for it to work."

"So?" Dean asked like 'dark magic' meant nothing to him.

"Spells can go wrong Dean" she added "dark magic can go wrong" she emphasised "this isn't something to toy with and you have to take this seriously to Dean, you have to make sure it will work the way you want it to."

"I am taking this seriously" he said harshly "I've thought about it and it's the only way to save Sam's hand."

"Does Sam agree?" Missouri asked eyeing him with suspicion, something told her Sam didn't know about the supernatural quest to save his hand.

"No" Dean's shoulders slumped.

"Does he even know about this?" she asked keeping her voice light.

Dean shook his head from side to side.

"Well until Sam agrees I'm not going to help" she stood up from the wooden bench that was in the hospital grounds.

"Why not?" Dean jumped to his feet "he needs you… I need you" Dean stepped in front of her "please Missouri, I'm begging you here, I just need this one miracle and things will be easier."

"A fixed hand isn't going to help Sam move past this."

"Yeah I know" Dean said through gritted teeth, he was losing his patience "but it will help him feel a little better about himself, help him know that things can get better, right?"

Missouri let out a long sigh "Ok Dean" she said holding up her hand "I will look into this if you promise to tell Sam what you are doing."

Dean chewed at his lip, would Sam like this idea? Too bad, there was no other way "I promise I will tell him."

"Ok then" she gave a nod "I will do my best for you Dean" she then walked past him and disappeared into the hospital.

"Thank you" Dean whispered.

SNSNSNSN

Sam sat crossed legged on the hospital bed waiting for Dean to return. He'd left while he had his meeting with the psychologist to give them some privacy though Sam would prefer Dean to stay. He liked Ross, he did, but he still had trust issues and they weren't going away anytime soon. He would have to deal with them and deal without having Dean with him 24/7. He didn't like being away from his older brother but he couldn't cling onto him forever, he'd have to face the world alone one day. Though Dean would tell him that he didn't care if he clung to him all the time, but eventually he would have to let go.

Though letting go seemed so hard. Moving forward seemed almost impossible. Every time he slept he was pulled back into his darkest hours, forced to relive his darkest moments. How could one move on if they were constantly plagued by endless nightmares? How could one face the world when they were shadowed with fear? How do you go on when everything that you knew id gone, ripped away and replaced with a life that didn't seem like your own.

Sam let his eyes close and tried to forget where he was and why he was here. He thought back to a better time, a time where this nightmare had not yet occurred. He remembered how just a few years ago he was oblivious to the pain he felt now. He wondered what it felt like to walk around unashamed and unafraid. He once had, he'd walked with confidence, he'd walked with his head held high and he didn't fear the people around him. All that now felt like a lifetime ago, the memories he had seemed so distance, so far away that they might as well belong to someone else.

His memories were from another life. A life where he hadn't needed to hide behind his brother, a life where he hadn't felt the need to look around an empty room just to make sure he was safe. A life so lost that he didn't remember what it felt like to laugh, to be happy, to be free of fear. The life he now loved was full of pain and sorrow and he was forever chased by fear. It would lock itself around him and drag him down in its dark waters where there seemed to be no way up.

But though his life had changed completely he still saw a light. It was shinning before him but just out of his grasp, but soon, he would reach and claim the light. It would chase away the shadows and the inner demons and he would feel better, not complete but better. He would forever be afraid of strangers but it would get easier. He would be able to face the world, as long as Dean was by his side.

Sam sighed heavily when he saw the door swing open and Dean walked in. Sam couldn't help but smile at Dean, a true genuine smile. Dean smiled back then took a seat beside his brother, placing his hand in Sam's good one. Sam squeezed Dean's hand and he felt tears sting his eyes, but these weren't tears of sorrow these were tears of joy. Because now he saw it, he saw what was always right before his eyes.

His light.

His hero.

His Dean.

**TBC**

**Please review**


	17. Chapter 16 I’m Okay… We’re Okay

**Chapter sixteen: I'm Okay… We're Okay**

The following day luck found Sam and Dean. The day started off just like any other day in the dull hospital. Dean was forced to wake Sam up from one of his nightmares, then faced with the aftermath. Sam awoke from his hellish dream and threw his arms around his brother's neck and sobbed into his shoulder. Dean placed his arms around Sam's frail body and the steady stream of words followed, he would also gently rock them back and forwards and once he had nothing left to say he would hum a soft song. All this was so familiar now; Dean knew what to do without even needing to think about it. Hold Sam; say comforting words and rock back and forwards.

Life seemed to be stuck on repeat. The days would change but the events that occurred during the day would not. It was all the same to them, but every day even if they didn't see it, things were getting better. The darkness was lifting and the light they both desperately seeked was shinning brighter. The nightmare was coming to an end, it would never truly be over but it would get better. And it was time for a miracle; it was time for a new beginning. But for a beginning there had to be an ending and the curtains would be closing by sundown.

Sam detached himself from Dean and moved away, looking down as though he was ashamed. He knew Dean sensed his distress and his thought was proven right when Dean cupped his chin in the crock of fingers. Sam stared into his brother's eyes and he couldn't help but smile, it was halfhearted but it brought a smile to Dean's face too. The smile then died away and Dean went to speak, but Sam pulled away, he didn't want to discuss this right now.

As if sensing Sam's thoughts Dean shut his mouth and looked away, not wanting to see the tears that still glistened in Sam's eyes. They had already shed too many. He cleared his thought and looked back to Sam, whom had his head bowed. Dean chewed at his lip, he really wanted to know why Sam seemed ashamed but he knew he would talk to him when he was ready. Dean heaved a sigh, searching his mind for something, anything, to talk about. But no subject seemed suitable; there was too much going on to be making small talk.

The door to the room squeaked before opening and an old lady caring a tray of food walked in. She smiled politely at the boys and Sam tried, he tried really hard not to scoot closer to his brother. But he subconsciously moved closer to Dean and had his head buried in his chest once more. He didn't look up until it was just them again. He cleared his throat and looked down again.

"Hungry?" Dean asked.

Sam only nodded, not trusting his voice right now.

Dean pulled the tray over to them, sitting it in between them. "Strawberry jam or honey?" he asked once he had buttered Sam's toast, his eyes locked on Sam.

"Jam" he replied dryly, he wished he didn't have to rely on Dean for everything. Everything in his life had been damaged, his trust, his pride, his hand, his whole life. He was useless. He would never be able to hunt again, even if he did get a prosthetic hand he would still be limited. It would make life a little bit easer, at least he could do more but he was still going to be useless. He was a broken solider and he would never again see the battlefield. Sam closed his eyes to force away the tears and he vaguely heard Dean's voice, but he wanted to block everything out right now. He felt Dean's hand on his shoulder followed by his name then Dean slipped up.

Sam's eyes snapped open and he crawled backwards, his breaths coming in pants. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his hands around himself, trying to make himself as small as possible. He rocked himself back and forwards, letting the tears flow freely as they always did. He felt Dean's arms around him, whispering apologies as he caressed Sam's hair. Sam forced back a sob and swallowed hard to dislodge the lump in his throat.

"Sam I'm sorry" Dean said and he sounded angry, not with Sam but with himself "I'm such an idiot!"

"No your not" Sam said looking up, blinking away the tears "Its ok, I know you're used to calling me Sammy but I can't stand hearing it but its ok really" he said in a rushed sentence, trying to finish it before the tears fell "I just can't be called it anymore."

Dean nodded "I understand" he said wiping away the single tear with his thumb. "Well I don't fully understand but I know where you're coming from."

"Do you want me to tell you?" Sam asked looking away "I will if you want to know."

"Know what kiddo" Dean asked, his tone soft and soothing.

"Know why you can't say it" he was speaking through his teeth, trying to repress a sob.

"Cole" Dean said forcing away the tears and blinding rage he felt when he heard or mention him.

"He shouted it out" Sam mumbled, "When he…" deep breath "raped me."

Dean felt his heart shatter "Sam I'm so sorry" he whispered the words, not able to make his voice go any louder. Then Dean wrapped his arms tightly around Sam and cried. He let the tears cascade down, needing his own release more then ever. Sam too wrapped his arms around Dean and this time he did the comforting, the steady stream of words were whispered from his mouth.

Time passed by and Dean continued to sob into his brother's chest. Crying was not a Dean Winchester thing, he always said he didn't cry but for someone who didn't cry he had sure done his fair share in the past year. But there was nothing left to say, words had no meaning to him. All he could do was cry and let it all go.

"I'll be ok" Sam whispered while pressing a soft kiss to Dean's head "we'll be ok."

Dean felt the tears subside, because hearing Sam say those words opened up a window and the light streamed in. Hope for brighter days washed over him and he felt some of the darkness lift.

They'd be ok…

SNSNSNSN

Midday found Sam and Dean in a better mood then this morning, a better mood then the last couple of weeks. Everything was falling back into place, Sam was healing, Dean was healing; _they_ were healing. The road back still had a few bumps but no more pit stops. The darkness was lifting, the light finally able to seep through the curtains. Everything was not yet the way it was, they way it should be but it was heading that way.

One day, one day in the not too distant future Sam and Dean would be laughing, they would be hunting and they would be ok. The mess was finally getting cleaned up; the wounds had been cleaned and now they had to heal. Together, _together_ as brothers they would heal each other. The future would bring better days for both Sam and Dean. Brighter days.

Though just because the future was brighter didn't mean it would stay bright. Sam and Dean had ups and downs coming and something was going to change forever. But right now the future was bright for both Sam and Dean not even Evan's visit could dampen their spirits.

He did the usual. Checking Sam's many injures, the scars on his back, chest and inner thighs had been healing nicely but they would forever be a reminder of Sam's worst nightmare. A reminder of Cole himself. Sam could never forget Cole completely. The big scars on his body were not as bad as the ones inside. They in so many ways were and always would be more painful. They held the worst of the nightmares, the worst of the memories.

His scars inside and out would never leave but they would fade, they would fade just like the terrifying memory. Never completely gone but never the same as when they were first inflected.

"Well Sam" Doctor Evan said "your injures have really healed well" he offered a smile but it came out half hearted "of course you'll always have scars but they will be faint, some might be more noticeable though."

"Chicks dig scars" Dean said with a grin "right Sam" Dean fought of the urge to say Sammy; it was hard not to let it slip. It was something he always said but now saying it seemed wrong. How could he say it when it had been used in such a disgusting manner?

"Right" Sam mumbled, looking away from Dean.

"Um" Evan cleared his throat "I would also like the forms back please" he said eyeing Dean.

"I haven't signed them" Dean said nonchalantly "thought there could be another way."

"Dean there is no other way!" Evan said sullenly, "I get it! I do. You want to save Sam's hand but you can't" he took a deep breath and composed himself "you can't make everything better Dean no matter how hard you try."

"Wanna bet?" Dean asked with a grin and Sam looked up.

"Dean please" Evan pleaded.

"Dean what are you thinking?" Sam asked ignoring the Doctor.

"I was thinking we could try something different, something supernatural."

"Supernatural?" Evan repeated.

"Yeah a spell" he said looking up at the doc "you do remember me telling you about the supernatural right?"

"You said a ghost hurt Sam last year" he said avoiding any harsher words "you didn't say anymore then that."

"Oh sorry" he looked away from the doc "whatcha say Sam?"

Sam swallowed hard "I don't know."

"C'mon Sam" Dean said slapping him playfully on the leg, he was trying to keep this light "I got Missouri looking up spells and when she finds one she's gonna tell us" he reached out and placed his hand on Sam's "wouldn't you like that huh? To be able to use your hand, to be able to do things again?"

"I would" he said dryly "But its not that simple… spells can go wrong."

"We will make sure it can't" Dean said firmly "Sam I wanna fix your hand, let me fix it?" he gave Sam his best shot at puppy dog eyes.

"Ok" Sam said with a sigh "I'll let you try" he let out a sigh "but if it fails-"

"-It won't"

"Let me finish" Sam said, "If it fails you have to promise me that you will sign the form."

"Sam" Dean's shoulders dropped "I… I promise" he swallowed hard. _He couldn't_.

"Thank you."

"Where are you going to do this little spell anyway?" Evan chimed in.

"Well Doc I was hoping you could give Sam permission to leave the hospital."

"Dean I can't-"

"-Just for the night" he interrupted "though I would like to be able to take Sam home soon."

Evan sighed "I will let you take Sam home for the afternoon but he has to be back here at six on the dot ok."

"Done deal," Dean grinned.

"And I will see about getting Sam home" he said, these boys had already spent so much time in here and they didn't need anymore. "I will talk with Ross about it."

"Great" Dean grinned.

Evan sighed again "you boys are going to get me in big trouble one day."

"Sorry" Sam said "But we really appreciate what you've done for us, what you've done for me," Sam offered Evan a smile, a genuine smile "I can't thank you enough."

Evan blinked his eyes feverishly "thank you Sam" he gave a smile, mirroring Sam's "oh one more thing, your STD has cleared up."

"Really?" Sam asked and his face lit up.

"Really" he said nodding with a smile "but you will have to have check ups every now and then."

"Can do Doc" Dean said with a beaming smile. Today was the best day in a long time.

"Well I will let you guys be and I'll see about getting you out for the afternoon."

"Thanks Doc" Sam and Dean said in unison.

SNSNSNSN

The rumble of the Impala was a welcoming feel for Sam. The sound of Metallica was soothing; the purr of the engine made Sam relax, giving him the chance to let his walls down. He felt completely safe. The Impala in a way was his and Dean's only home, they only security they had ever really known. It was nice to be back in her, to feel the soft familiar seats, to hear the familiar music. Sam for the moment felt like himself again, he felt safe. Ready to face the world, ready to hunt but the feeling disappeared once he was outside again.

He stood in Bobby's front yard and he felt so small. The world around him felt so big, so huge and he was so small and weak. He felt his hands trembling and he bit his tongue to force back a sob. He tried to tell himself that he was safe but now that he was out in the open he felt afraid. Anyone, anything, could be waiting for him, waiting to hurt him, waiting to tear apart his life.

Piece by piece.

Bit by bit.

He felt Dean's hand in his, his fingers twining with Sam's. He turned his head and faced his brother, who wore a reassuring smile, he squeezed Sam's hand for emphasis. Sam smiled back and they walked up the stairs together. Sam knew he was safe here but he couldn't help the fear that swelled within him but having Dean with him made it easier.

They walked into the lounge room, Dean's fingers still entwined with Sam's. Missouri had a small table set out in the middle of the room; four white candles made a circle and in the middle was a gold bowl. She gestured for Sam and Dean to take a seat, as she lit each candle. She then sat herself down on the seat opposite Sam and Dean. She lent in, her elbow resting on her knee.

"So what do we do?" Dean asked before she could speak.

"I have all the right herbs in the bowl now all I need is something to focus the spell on" she pulled out a small athame, Sam winced at the sight of the blade and tightened his grip on Dean's hand. "Relax Sam" Missouri said softly "you're safe but I need some of your blood and flesh to make the spell work."

"O… Ok" he choked out.

"You're safe Sam" Dean assured and the words coming from him held more meaning. Because Dean wouldn't say Sam was safe unless he was.

"Now unfortunately I need the blood and flesh to come from your wounded hand," she said apologetic.

"Why?" Dean demanded.

"Because it has to have more to concentrate on," she said steadily "I'm sorry Sam but it's important."

"Its fine" he mumbled, not meaning what he said.

"Sam you don't-"

"-I said its fine Dean!" Sam interrupted sullenly.

"Ok" Dean backed down.

Sam tentatively unwrapped the bandage from his burnt hand. His fingers shook so bad that Dean had to do it for him, though Dean's own fingers trembled. Once the bandage was removed Dean let out a gasp of horror, he hadn't seen Sam's hand since he first rescued him and it looked terrible. His fingers seemed to bend in different directions, the bones looked so fragile beneath the burnt flesh. The burns themselves had been treated and replaced with skin grafts but it still looked hideous, not that Dean would say anything. The burns went from Sam's fingers to his wrist; the bones underneath seemed to be visible through the thin layer of skin.

"He burnt all the skin from my hand" Sam sobbed "after breaking my fingers."

Dean automatically wrapped his arm around Sam's shoulder and pulled him closer to him, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. "We're going to fix this Sam, you're going to be fine."

Sam only nodded, not trusting his voice right now.

"Lets get this done" Dean said reaching for the knife. He nervously took the blade into his hand and turned to face Sam, his ruined hand resting on his knee. "Sam look at me" Sam obeyed and looked up at Dean "This gonna hurt so try and think of something else, ok" he nodded while forcing back tears. Dean's hand trembled and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself. _Just do it Dean _he told himself _the quicker the better. _He tentatively placed the blade to Sam's skin and with a quick movement of the wrist he had slid the blade across, taking skin and flesh with it.

Dean handed the knife to Missouri the moment he'd finished, waiting to discard the object that hurt his brother. He saw the tears running down Sam's face and he pulled him onto his lap, letting Sam sob softly into his chest. Dean caressed Sam's hair while offering the soothing and comforting words that he repeated every day.

"Does he need to do anymore?" Dean asked gradually.

"I need for him to bleed into the bowl while I say the spell" she said tossing the flesh into the bowl.

"I can do that," Sam mumbled.

"You sure?" Dean asked, looking down at his baby brother, he looked pale.

"I'm sure," he said getting up, his body swayed slightly so Dean jumped up after him, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Together they moved towards the table, holding each other up. Sam placed his hand above the bowl and let the blood run down over his mangled fingers. When the blood hit the bowl Missouri started chanting in Latin but the words were just a distant echo to the brothers.

Sam closed his eyes as a strange tingling feeling took over his hand, taking away the pain that never really faded. Soon the tingles turned to pain, he could feel the hot poker against his skin, hear _him_ laugh. He felt a sob escape his mouth followed by a whimper, the pain was dreadful. He tried to block it out but it was no use, the pain wasn't leaving. He could hear Cole talking to him, saying how he deserved it, deserved to be punished.

When he opened his eyes again he saw the concerned face of his big brother. He had tears in his eyes and he looked frightened which was a rare sight for Dean Winchester. Sam knew he was talking to him but the words seemed far away, to far away to hear. It was like he was underwater and Dean was hovering above the surface and Sam was unable to reach him. He was sinking, sinking because of what Cole had done.

And in that moment Sam decided that he wouldn't sink, he would swim. He would break through the surface and find himself in his brother's arms, find himself in a safe place. Cole would not ruin his life, he would not drain Sam in fear and he would not shadow him in fear. He threw his arms around his brother and the light spilled in, chasing away the darkness. As he breathed in his brothers scent he felt a new beginning, a new dawn was on the horizon.

He pulled back from Dean and smiled at him, his eyes lighting up for the first time in long time "I'm gonna be ok" he breathed then took a quick glance at his hand, the scars were gone, the skin completely healed. He looked back up, a beaming smile on his face "we're gonna be ok."

Dean smiled back and pulled Sam back into his arms, "I know," he whispered into his ear "I always knew."

SNSNSNSN

The late afternoon sun flittered through the tacky curtains that hung in Bobby's lounge room. Dean lay on the couch with Sam half lying on top of him. Dean's fingers whispered over the faint scars on Sam's wrists. He traced the line with his fingers, remembering last year, remembering that it could have gone a whole different way. If he hadn't gone to find Sam he wouldn't be here right now. The sad thing was that if Sam died that day he would have avoided a whole world of pain. If Sam had died then none of this would have happened and despite all odds Dean was glad Sam hadn't died.

It seemed a selfish thought. But if Sam had died that day so would have Dean, he couldn't live without Sam, he couldn't even bear the thought. A life without Sam would be meaningless. _Pointless. _So even though Sam had suffered pain beyond belief Dean was still glad he was here, he was so proud that Sam had fought his way through the darkness. He'd found the light and now the healing could begin.

Dean smiled down at Sam as he scooted closer to him throwing his arm over Dean's chest. Dean stared at Sam's know healed hand; he felt pride in knowing that he had managed to fix at least something. Though Sam still couldn't move his fingers properly Dean knew he would be able to soon. The spell had helped Sam's hand heal faster. It healed months of surgery in a matter of seconds. Now time would have to do the rest.

"Dean?" Sam asked groggily.

"Right here kiddo" he replied while brushing a stray hair away from Sam's eye, he really needed a haircut.

"I don't want to go back," he whispered.

"I know" Dean sighed; he didn't want Sam to have to go back to the hospital either. He'd seen those stark white walls far too much for his liking. "But you have too."

"I won't hurt myself again," he whispered again.

"I know" Dean said repeating himself.

"Then lets just leave" Sam eye's opened and he stared up at Dean with a pleading look.

"Where do you wanna go?" Dean asked, thinking over Sam's plea.

"Doesn't matter" he murmured "jus' as long as you come."

"Always gonna be by your side."

"Please don't make me go back."

"Sam" Dean chewed at the inside of his lip.

"I think you should go."

Both brothers looked up to see Evan standing in the doorway, Missouri beside him. He crossed the threshold and took a seat on the opposite seat; he held a duffle in his right hand. "Missouri called me" he explained "said you guys were better and that it was time to hit the road" he grinned at the last part but it faded quickly.

"Do you think Sam's ready?" Dean asked.

"I don't know" he sighed "do you?"

Dean looked at Sam who smiled, a true genuine smile. The life had returned to his eyes, he had a glow to his skin that hadn't been there since he found him beaten and broken. "Yeah I do."

"Then you may go" Evan said clearing his throat "but if you need me don't be afraid to call. Ok!"

"No worries doc" Dean grinned up at him.

"Well then" he stood, blinking away tears "guess this is goodbye."

Dean and Sam both sat up, then embraced the doctor in a group hug "Goodbye and thank you" Dean and Sam whispered in unison.

Evan stepped back and gave a firm nod.

"Hope I never see ya again" Dean smirked.

"Back at ya" he said, "be safe" he the departed from the room.

As Sam and Dean watched the doctor leave they felt like a part of this nightmare left with him. The worst part was now over. The ending was here and the beginning was just around the corner.

"You sure your gonna be ok Sam?" Dean asked.

"Yeah I'm sure" he smiled.

"Good" Dean grinned, "cause I knew it."

And he had always known it. It may have not always been clear to Dean but he knew it was there. He knew that the new beginning would come and the light would flood in and they would no longer be cloaked in darkness.

He'd always known they'd be ok…

**The End**

**I'd like to thank everyone who read and reviewed this story :) I love you all and your reviews kept me going, I loved knowing how you felt about this emotional story. It was a challenge to write but it was worth it. Thank you all again and I can't thank you enough for those amazing reviews :) Goodbye, 'til next time.**


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